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To think dh could have tidied up a bit tonight?

(19 Posts)
lecce Wed 22-Dec-10 20:20:14

He is sahd to 2 ds aged 3.9 and 17 months. I work ft as a teacher. It was my last day today and dh has a rare gig tonight (playing, not watching). I came in to a complete shit-hole: toys everywhere, kitchen and bathroom dirty - the whole place looks foul.

Dh was also expecting me to cook for the dc because I was home early for a change, I couldn't because ds2 wanted a longish bf but I just know that if I had dh would've gone on fb,so my early finish would've been a break for him and work of another sort for me.

Dh then spent 45mins getting ready for his gig, part-cooked me a meal for later, then went out. I have put the dc to bed feeling shattered and depressed by the fact that everywhere I look is chaos and mess.

Ds2 is still bf to sleep (what I'm doing now) and is often awake throughout the evening and night wanting to be held or/and bf. I don't know how long I'll be up here and when I do go down it's to a dump and a half-cooked meal. Ds could then be awake before I've managed to eat, especially if I do a bit of tidying first.

So AIBU to think dh could have don a bit more for me before going out - either tidying or cooking. And yes I know there'd be an outcry if a working man came on here complaing about his SAH wife going out without cooking him a meal or cleaning first, but I'm guessing not many working men bf throughout the night, or indeed deal with many night wakings at all, and then work the amount of hours I do. Or maybe they do, (not the bf obviously grin

I am so tempted to send a shitty text, which I know would be the wrong thing to do whether or not IBU. What really annoys me is that if I were to speak to him about it, even in a calm way tomorrow, he would say, "Wh ycan't you be happy, you've broken up now..." He just doesn't realsise how much there is to do before Christmas and how much the state of the house impacts on my mood. I spend a lot of time with the dc at weekends and in the holidays, I know what it's like but I do think it would be a good idea to start encouraging ds1 to put stuff away before getting the next toy out, rather then just chucking more and more stuff all over the floor, which is what seems to have gone on today.

For information, dh does pretty much all the cooking but I do a fair bit of housework at weekends and I take over the dc when I'm here.

NotANaturalGeordie Wed 22-Dec-10 20:24:43

I feel for you but as a SAHM I am often on your DH's side of the problem - some days I just can't get anything done and DH comes home to a tip. So I guess I have to sit on the fence, sorry.

BringOnTheGoat Wed 22-Dec-10 20:28:03

YANBU but he may have had a shitty day as us SAH'ers do sometimes. It's unfair if you take over all the time when you are home - each of you needs some time that is your own!

jester68 Wed 22-Dec-10 20:30:37

Um a bit of both lol.

I am a sahm and like natural geordie there are days when the kids have been playing up or to be honest I just can't be assed!

My partner finished work today for the xmas holidays and tomorrow morning will be spent tidying up etc as I have not done much today. But to be fair I have wrapped all his family gifts so that we can deliver tomorrow plus looked after my 4 year old and my 6 month old.

I also cooked tea, and bathed and put the girls to bed

FabbyChic Wed 22-Dec-10 20:37:55

Sorry but how do you know what kind of day he had with the children? Have you even asked if they were requiring more attention than usual today. If the place is usually tidy surely it is not today because he was busy?

lecce Wed 22-Dec-10 20:45:20

I take your points and I do know how hard a day with the dc can be, I have done it! What riles me is that my responsibilities are never-ending. His decrease sharply as soon as I get home, though he does offer to help with ds2 in the evenings.

Place is not usually tidy when I get home but normally dh would push it all in a corner tidy up while I put dc to bed.

BringOnTheGoat Wed 22-Dec-10 20:49:08

I don't think it's about the tiduing up really, more about the fact you take over all the time. Like he's just holding the fort while you work. Kinda means you're always working.

Same for SAHers who are expected to do ALL for DC and ALL for house, when is their day off. I would ask your DH the following - 'when is my day off? when is my night off? as soon as I finish work I take over and do the weekends too, it's hard and I deserve a break'

MumNWLondon Wed 22-Dec-10 21:00:40

I have some sympathy with your DH. I am off work this week as my nanny is away and its hard work looking after small children.

I would be fuming if DH came home and complained about the mess.

PartialToACupOfMilo Wed 22-Dec-10 23:33:04

I'm just shocked that you only broke up today - thought everyone had finished last Friday shock

Are you in Powys?

onceamai Wed 22-Dec-10 23:50:58

Appreciate how you feel but had a 1/2 day today. DH should be home tomorrow night and frankly the whole house is a tip. Had a few drinks at a neighbours do and have thought, manyana. But I will get it sorted before he gets home.

defineme Thu 23-Dec-10 00:05:45

Tidy the room you're in,make yourself a sandwich. Deal with the shit tomorrow as a team.

My dh is a teacher,I was sahp up to kids at school. If he wasn't at home when we ate (at 530/6) then I might leave him a bit or I might expect him to make himself cheese on toast.Either way he'd be fine about it.

If I was going out I'd need to go upstairs at 6 to start getting ready.

If I'd had a shit day and Dh was home I might just block out the kids and go on mnet when he got home-in full knowledge that he'd had 30 minutes car journey/10 minutes tea break in peace at some point.

All the woh dads I know do the bath/bedtime cos that's their chance to see kids. If you feel abandoned then just divide kids up- say'you do dc1 teeth I'll do dc2 pjs...

My dh always did at least his fair share of night wakings other than breastfeeding and as he's a light sleeper and I sleep like the dead then he did more to be honest.

It's a tip in the house. But just say 'right I'll do ..... you do ..... whilst kids are making mayhem in other room-that's what we'll do tomorrow. Then we'll take dibs on who gets the bliss of frantic supermarket whilst other does 3 kids snow bound in house!

Remember you're a team and the kids are meant to be his priority.

Does he always leave the cleaning? I know sahms with cleaners.....

FabbyChic Thu 23-Dec-10 00:27:42

He couldnt tidy up tonight because he had to get ready to go out.

When I worked 12 hour days and the ex was a SAHH he did not do anything in the evening, and to be honest I would not have wanted him to, why should he he had done all the hard work during the day.

FabbyChic Thu 23-Dec-10 00:28:14

I'd rather work than be a sahm, its far easier to work than be a full time parent.

Blackletterday Thu 23-Dec-10 01:18:10

I think YABU, since having our 3rd, my house has gone massively downhill. I literally can't leave ds2 as he is such a menace. It's ok if ds2 has a long nap, or the older 2 are at school/morning nursery but most days I get nowt done.

Dp was looking after them one day, popped into the kitchen for a minute, ds2 managed to break his leg falling off the sofa hmm.

I think my dp is a saint compared to you, he has never once moaned that the house is a mess, he does his fair share of night wakings, getting up a bit earlier when on earlies etc. We do the housework together when we get a god damn picking minute, or one of us will take them out and the other have a blitz. Yes standards have fallen, it does make me a bit depressed, but meh it won't be like this forever.

Give him a break, once little ones are less likely to climb/hurl themselves from the nearest precipice it will get easier.

Suck it up I would say, he is having a rare night out don't spoil it.

Blackletterday Thu 23-Dec-10 01:24:37

Otoh I do fall into the trap of thinking of dp's work as a "break" well it is from the kids obviously, but not from responsibility. Although his 2 hours a day parked comfy on a bus, and tales of sitting around for hours with no work (sometimes) don't help. It's a grass is greener situation.

At least for me when ds1 goes full time next year work will be a possibility (I'll probably hate it when I'm there lol).

I often spend days and days not speaking to another adult, (dp falls asleep as soon as kids in bed) It's very very depressing.

porcamiseria Thu 23-Dec-10 08:24:28

i feel your pain, i hate messy house too, dont we all. but i agree that childcare of two is hard work, office work easier, agree let him have his fun, and tidy as a team tomorrow. dont let domestic admin get you down. i also work FT and my DP is SAHD, I have decided fuck the money i am getting a cleaning lady for this very reason! as I do know where you are coming from

monkeyflippers Thu 23-Dec-10 09:58:57

I can understand him wanting to go on the computer when you get home. I feel as though my partner gets breaks that I can only dream of whilst travelling to and from work and while eating his lunch. As a SAHM i NEVER get a break.

lecce Thu 23-Dec-10 19:45:04

Thanks for replies. House is much better today and I'm glad I didn't say anything yesterday - we've tackled it together.

It's a bit late now but I haven't had a chance to come back on here until now and a couple of things I really want to reply to even if no one reads it!

Blackletter, I really don't see how your dp is a saint compared to me - I do everything you say he does except I do all the night-wakings as am bf. I did not mention moaning at dh last night, I can't help how I feel but I said nothing to him. And fwiw it was not a rare night out, it was rare gig. He goes out every Friday, I don't begrudge him that as, as others mentioned, he gets little adult company, but I've had two nights out this year! So why is your dp so far above me, is it because he does all this and is, shock, horror, a man?!

Of course I want to put the dc to bed, I feel guilty enoough about working as it is, I just wish I didn't have to then do school work most of the evening most nights, then be awake half the night with ds2. Hard to see where I could fit more housework in.

None of that is dh's fault, obviously, and he is always telling me to go out more and is supportive of helping out while we deal with ds2's night-wakings. I just felt a bit overwhelmed last night, is all.

monkeyflippers Fri 24-Dec-10 10:43:11

Aaaah OP - We all get the overwelmed feeling! Glad you're feeling better.

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