Right so urgent judgment mumsnet jury I need your help please...AIBU or are they ????

[prettypinkchristmastree]

Ok ladies, and gents if there any of you about. I really would like some honest opinions here please.

I'll give you soke background here. I am a single parent here working with 4 little ones. I love them all to bits but its hard work obviously and I have no help at all.


Christmas almost here as we all know and apart from being slightly disorganised with my pressie wrapping etc I am really excited as I want christmas to be really special for my children as we all do but I want it to be magical.

Now the problem is my mum and my stepdad to be honest.

Things are not great with them really. He was abusive when I was a child and he has a lot of control issues. My mum just agrees with him on everything. Now I do see them but well basically i have to make a bloody appointment and cant pop round there if i fancy a chat or a cuppa or have had a bad day and want a chat. I do have a problem with this but I think its shitty of them...basically because it not like i round there every day or even every week as i not allowed.. i have 2 ring abd pre book an hour time slot ( i am not kidding) and me and my kids may be allocated a time slot to do something or go round once a fortnight.

Now I invited them to mine this xmas and 4 months i have been asking 4 confirmation of this. On sunday i rang ( as wasnt authorised to go 4 a visit lol)because I was going shopping for food and wanted to stock up know what to get etc.

I was told they are not coming but we could all go for a meal on xmas eve together which sounds like a lovely idea. But when I asked if they were still coming for xmas day to see the kids after lunch my mum sturnly said they wouldnt be and hung up?? what?

Well I left it at that. I then rang up Monday and they were off with me. I asked about the meal cost menu etc. They told me it 30 pound for me and fifteen each for the kids i said well i would like to come but would have to check my finances and would we please be able to come round on xmas morn or late aft to see them 4 a bit (would be nice but also save me getting cabin fever with the kids all day at home as they all under 9). They have basically said in so many words no that we cant and basically they not arsed bowt seeing them imo


So do you think iabu or them.??

TBH i think they are selfish * and they should think of the kids.

But your oppinions please.???

I may sound ok bowt this but this has really uset me soplease go easy . thanksxx

[prettypinkchristmastree]

anyone any thoughts please.??

[newwave]

Go easy, ok, but as your dad was abusive and your mother let him get on with it I would not want them near my family, they are still "abusing" you. This is controlling behavior.

If it was me I would tell Step Dad to "go and fuck himself"

[OnEdge]

Yes they are being VU. Just don't have any expectations of them in future and then they can't let you down.

[NonnoMum]

Don't know.

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with.

My first question would be about even WANTING to be with your Stepdad. Did you ever report the abuse? Does your mum know? And, could it be that he is controlling/abusing your mother (i.e she put the phone down on you - did he come into the room?)

Sounds like you are trying the best for your kids. Someone else will be along soon with better advice...

[prettypinkchristmastree]

Thanks for replying new wave. I do feel close to telling him that but to be honest but just thinking of the kids and xmas. I glad it not just me though because i also think they are still controlling me even though they dont do anything for s in a way. Oh and sorry i went a bit overboard with my go easies there. And appologies for my typos.xx

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

I wonder if your mum would be like this if she wasn't with this controlling abusive man? I think not, she probably feels she has to go along with him to keep the peace. YANBU, but you may have to realise that this is one battle that could make your mum's life miserable and possibly scary.

[Snorbs]

Yes, they are being selfish. Yes, they should think more of their grandchildren.

But you know what? They're not going to change. Which leaves you with some choices. You can carry on like this, being regularly frustrated and hurt by their selfishness and general weirdness (hour slots? FFS!).

Or you can go all out to try to make them see that they're being horribly unreasonable which will require a huge amount of emotional energy and time from you and get you nowhere.

Or, you can realise that this is just how they are. It's no reflection on you, they're not like this because of anything you've done, it's just that they're selfish weirdos and that's what they're going to carry on being.

Now that's sad and all but I think that if you can accept that it's pointless having any real expectations of them then it will free you from a lot of this angst. If you have no expectations from someone then when they let you down it's no big deal as you'd know they were likely to anyway so would've had a Plan B in place. The problems come when you're in the position where you are right now when you expect them to behave like normal, rational people and they simply don't. Only you can change that.

[newwave]

Prettypink. Four kids is very hard work I have two and a partner and when they were young that was hard enough.

Can you not have a private chat with your mum and find out what is really going on ?.

As for SD, he dosent seem worth the bother to me and no a nice role model for your kids either.

[prettypinkchristmastree]

well this what i wandering nonno mum if i do actually now want to spend time with them if they don't with us but its a catch 22 really.

He was not sexually abusive. Physical. And my mum was well aware of it.

She blamed me at the time.

I am having counselling for this but still dont get her.

If any man came in to my kids lives and touched a hair on their head in the wrong way they would be out. i think she is scared of being on her own but still think she should make an effort for my kids at christmas.

[goplayout]

Have you asked your mum straight why she put the phone down on you, and why she was"off" with you? In a calm way.

Maybe something has happened that you are not aware of.

If she won't discuss it with you, there's not much of a relationship. Sorry you are going through this.

[curlymama]

Your kids will have a better time with one adult that is interseted in tham than one who is on edge and two that don't want to be there. I can understand that you want some adult interaction too though, but I guess you have no other family?

I think I get where you are coming from with your step dad, mine bullied me when I was a child, but he's a much nicer person now he's hit his fifties, and I'm happy to spend time with him so that we all get the family thing.

The bottom line is that thay are adults, and they are free tochoose how they spend their time, and their Christmas. It's not nice for you, and of course it would be lovely if they wanted to be more involved with your children, but if they don't want to there is not really much you can do about it. It does sound rude how you were spoken to on the phone, completely uncalled for.

I think you and your children would be better off if you focused your energy into your own little family, and stop expecting anything from them. for you.

[prettypinkchristmastree]

cross posted. Snorbs thank you. I totally agree with you its just hard to take that step of cutting them out i guess as I dont think they wilol do any running after us or miss us. Just don't understand why they are this way. I think it reALLY STRANGE AND ABNORMAL also. But like you say i cant change it. Crap for us though especially at this time of year their being strange is making me feel strange too as christmas is about families coming together.

I just don't want to spend christmas day feeling upset and seeing all the neighbours with their families and feeling like an odd bod because i on my own with the kids.

Sorry to go on but i just want them to have normal lives. But their behaviour is making my kids lives abnormal. I just feel cheated like they are making my kids lives abnormal by doing this to me. I.e they wont have normal grandparents and normal christmasses like their friends.

By the way they will see their father xmas eve he not having them xmas day.

[ShanahansRevenge]

I agree that your lovely kids and you will have afar better time without them. YANBU at all! They sound shocking!

To expect you t pay fr your meals and not even offer to help out is awful and if they could not afford to help you then they should have offered to host you and yours for a meal over Christmas.

Bugger them. Is it possile that it's HIM o blame for it? Is he controlling her?

[ShanahansRevenge]

Not having extended family isn't odd at all..many families with kids...lone parent or not...are in the same situation either because their grandparents are dead or not very good.

You must feel the weight of it all...but know that you are giving them abulous memories..they dont kow any different.

Are they still small?

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Believe me there are plenty of children who don't have normal grandparents and normal Christmases!

My Christmas is dh, dd and me. We go to see dh's lovely sister and our niece just after Christmas - they live a long way away. Dh's parents have both passed away and mine are like yours but more so but I think that there would be child protection issues if I ever let my parents near dd for any length of time.

However I can spend my Christmas with the family who love me, and who I love in return.

And you are spot on, they are being weird, arsey, selfish and twattish. I suspect your stepdad a) wants your mum all to himself, with all attention / control for himself, and b) seeing you will remind him of what a bastard he was to you, and this is unpleasant for him, even though your mum will be letting him off the hook, saying oh but she wound you up, or whatever.

I have a similar thing with mine. It's their problem, not my problem.

[FellatioNelson]

The Xmas Eve meal sounds like an expensive trip out for you on your own with 4 children -surely they know this? Not a very sensible suggestion under the circumstances. I'm always loathe to jump to make judgements about people in these situations because there may be all sorts of hjistory you haven't told us, but so far I'd say they are being VVU. So, will it be just you, and the children at home asll day on your own at Christmas?

[cubbie]

Aww I am so sorry to read this. I think what the OP's have said is true so can't really offer any more advice.

You sound like a fab, wonderful loving Mum and your children will NOT be missing out if they spend the day with YOU! They will have a lovely time, i'm sure you will do everything you can to make it really special.

one of my fondest memories of Christmas is my brother, Mum and I watching an old movie in the afternoon, with the curtains closed, and me playing with some gaudy golden reindeer decoration my mum had bought with us that afternoon.

I also remember making Christmas bells with egg cups, golden glue and silver glitter; I can still remember going to a distant shop trying to track down the glue and glitter.

I should add that we had a very very happy childhood, our dad was there too, still is, but these memories really stick out for me.

It seemed like such a special thing to do with my Mum. Ditto watching children's programmes with her during the summer holidays.

I know you feel upset at the thought of other families and how your children will iss out on those relationships, but they are VERY lucky to have such a caring mum.

Expect nothing from your Mum and Sd,then you won't be disappointed. Sounds like she is terrified of him, she'd probably love to see more of you all.

YADNBU Hope you have a lovely day with your lovely children.

[prettypinkchristmastree]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Shanahans they could afford it. But haven't offered ANd IF THEY DID I would have ith thrown back in my face thAT THEY PAID FOR DINNER blah balh.

I think it is him to blame and that why i havent cut them out sooner as i think he trying to cut everyone out of her life. ( he made her cut out her brother my uncle completely) and she only sees one friend once or twice a year.

To be honest though she is just as nasty putting the phone down on me if she cant be arsed to speak to me etc but it aolmost like she is brainwashed and sees things only in one point of view...his.

thing is i think now that they want to mess things up for my kids and they wouold love for me to crack under the pressure which i nbearly have before and when i have turned to them for support on matters they just be nasty etc etc. So i think i strong enough now. i not going to let their behaviour get me down. just want my kids to have a nomal lives so wil try be strobng 4 theuir sakes.

[ShanahansRevenge]

Do you have a friend who you could have over one day over the Xmas period? You could invite them over for a special lunch or dinner and have another mini-chrstmas.

My friend does that with her mate...her mate is on her own with just her DS and my friend has no kids yet...so she works over christmas and goes over fr a lunch on the day after Boxing day. They like the fact that it's their own tradition.

[ShanahansRevenge]

You don't need negative people in your life...I know it's hard when you're on your own with DC....but at Christmas you create your own celebration and as they get older it will nly get to be more and more fun.

Don't be susprised though...if in a coupleof years your Mum isn't begging to be part of your lives again. As you grow in srength you will be the one THEY turn to.

I hope you can shove them out of the season and have a great time.

[prettypinkchristmastree]

strong for their sakes i mean.

[atswimtwolengths]

Could you take the kids to the park on Christmas Day afternoon? I used to do that (didn't like being in the house all day) and there were usually quite a few people there.

There is no way I'd be paying £90 for a meal. That's a ridiculous price at an expensive time of year.

I'd just say they were welcome to call around, but that you won't be going out for a meal. You could do a week's shop with that money!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

They are rude, offensive and controlling. Oh yeah and very unreasonable. You are jumping through hoops and still it is not enough. This year, enjoy Christmas with you and your kids. You will not be lonely. Your DCs will have a great time.

I have one DC and this year we are going to my mums, but only because we had a bereavement in the family and she wants us all around. Last year it was just me and DS and I can honestly say it was the best, most relaxed Christmas I had in a long time. So much so that I'm already looking forward to next Christmas so it's just us two again.

You and your DCs will have a lovely time as long as you relax and get into it with them. Put your parents out of your head, even if it's just for the one day. Them and their ishoos can wait.

[prettypinkchristmastree]

Thank you. It reasuring that you also think they bu.Was starting to think i going mad but it is them (him).I say him but i do try m best to get on with hm and keep the peace but he tries harder to cause rows. Never mind. I will try make xmas special 4 them

[Binfullofgibletsonthe45]

They aren't interested at all - and the gaul of asking a single mum with 4 kids to shell out so much money for a meal - they were offering you something they knew you couldn't accept. Ninety pounds could put a lot under the Christmas tree.

If they cared and there was a genuine reason for not turning up they would have offered to take you out for dinner on Xmas eve or cooked for you to give you a break.

They don't give a stuff so why have them around making you and your lovely little family uncomfortable and stressy.

We have "lockdown" for our Crimbo DH, me and DS, no one else it's a private affair - then we open the doors a few days later, don't care how strange or unconventional it seems after 20 years of shitey family Christmasses I get the one I want.

Make it the one you want!

Make it stress free - stay in your pyjamas, buy food in foil you can bung in the oven without prepping, spend the ninety on some nice convenience food and eat a chocolate orange for breakfast if you want to! Forget baths and routines and stress. Have a friends day rather than family if you are comfortable with it.

Now is the time to be making happy traditions with your own lovely little family, not pleasing people who can't be arsed. Life is too bloody short, I am only learning at 40 so don't waste time on oxygen thieves like your stepdad.