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to be annoyed that mil takes over

(16 Posts)
NigellasLoveBuns Mon 20-Dec-10 13:49:51

I would just like to know if there is anybody out there with a similar mil to mine.
We don't live in the same country so visits are always at least a week spent living either in their house or in our house.
Mil completely takes over to the point of informing me that DS is hungry/tired etc etc and sending me out while she is feeding him as he misbehaves and doesn't eat when he sees me!!!!!
Suggestions I can take, but this is more than that, as she actually does things such as putting him to bed at ridiculous times and this throws his routine completely out.
I am also sick to death of hearing "Oh he doesn't do that when we are looking after him"
Trying to reason with her doesn't work as she is always right (in her mind!) I now resort to subtle tactics, one example being where she told me it was too busy to let him out of his pram while we were shopping, so I just let him out anyway and pretended not to hear. This is too subtle though and I fear that it is only going to get worse as DS gets older.
I don't want to appear ungrateful as she does do a lot, but I feel that there is a line being crossed here.
Anyone got any advice on how to deal with a similar mil?

bubbleOseven Mon 20-Dec-10 13:51:51

Don't go to her house, have her to you. The matriach in your house is you my dear.

MadamDeathstare Mon 20-Dec-10 13:59:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarniesMummy Mon 20-Dec-10 14:01:33

Yes and no. By turns my MIL either takes over or is unbothered/unaware/negligent. e.g. She'd demand to hold DD's hand (DD was 3) when we got out of the car. Then DD would run off and she wouldn't be bothered to chase her to hold her hand again despite the act that we were in the middle of an active car park!

I wised up as though sometimes it was just annoying for me, sometimes it was dangerous. At the end of the day, the buck stops with me. I'm DD's mother so I call the shots from bedtime and mealtime, to acceptable behaviour, whether DD or MIL like it or not!
I do try to be reasonable and don't make life dificult needlessly, so I try to explain as I go. So I may say something like "No, it's 9 o'clock, way past you're bed time. You're off to bed now as you'll be grumpy tomorrow" despite pleas to the contrary from Granny or DD. Or I might say "Granny will read you a bedtime story, but it's bedtime now please".

ULtimately, it'll unsettle (i.e. his behaviour will end up being bad) your DS to not know where the boundaries are. He needs to know that you are in charge (and so does your MIL), be firm, try to explain your reasons for certain things not being open to negotiation and good luck!

AMumInScotland Mon 20-Dec-10 14:01:54

Um, how about saying to her "Thanks, but I'll do it this way", or "No he's fine thanks" if she decides he's tired or hungry when you think not. As far as "sending you out" goes, well why do you go? He's your child, not hers, so you don't get sent away from him by anyone against your will.

Basically, grow a pair!

MarniesMummy Mon 20-Dec-10 14:03:01

Sorry my F key works reluctantly.

So act=fact

etc etc.

MarniesMummy Mon 20-Dec-10 14:04:52

shock My grammar is horrific!! Sorry! And me a pedant too!

I can only apologise.

NigellasLoveBuns Mon 20-Dec-10 14:05:16

The main problem is that she thinks that she is in charge and nothing either of us does or says can convince her that we are the ones in charge of DS and not her!!
We have tried to reason with her in a nice way but she either steamrollers over us or gets offended and goes into a sulk.
It is slightly better when they are at my house though but it is getting pretty annoying.
I feel like she thinks that I am doing everything wrongly and that she needs to step in to put it all right and do it her way!

MadamDeathstare Mon 20-Dec-10 14:05:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Mon 20-Dec-10 14:08:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland Mon 20-Dec-10 14:10:18

How about letting her sulk? Certainly don't let her steamroller you - the more she gets away with it, the more she will do it. Agree with your DH that you are going to be firm, and stick with it through everything she throws at you. If she complains, tell her that you are this child's mother, and you look after him every day while she is elsewhere so you are going to do things your way and not hers. And stick to that tune no matter how she sulks or tries to insist.

Cakesandale Mon 20-Dec-10 14:12:24

I do sympathise, but I can't feel that the prospect of her sulking should put you off doing what you think is right. Let her sulk, she's only being manipulative and trying to get her own way. It sounds like she hasn't progressed far past the toddler stage herself. Unfortunately, you may have to have some hard words over this - you really are in charge, and you need to get a bit of a backbone.

My MIL is a bit like this so I do know how hard it is. Yours sounds awful.

TheCrackFox Mon 20-Dec-10 14:14:18

Let her sulk or get grumpy - you are the boss. just treat her like the overgrown toddler she is.

Firawla Mon 20-Dec-10 14:20:56

If you put your foot down and stick up for yourself eventually they do back off. I have succeeded in that pretty much with my own mil who previously felt she knows everything more than me but nowadays not too bad at all. Sometimes you may even need to escalate it properly into an argument to get your point across if she will not take the hint, but just make your point and don't keep back down with her, unless its just small things you can overlook but this overall attitude does not seem good. She should realise and accept that you are the mother of this child and you do know what you are doing and you make the decisions for your child, but you do need to stick up for yourself. Not rudely but just be firm

FakePlasticTrees Mon 20-Dec-10 14:21:19

Agree with others, repeat after me "No, you're wrong." And "It's DS's bedtime now." and "I think I know my son a bit better than you, but don't worry, there'll be lots of time for you to learn our routine."

MadamDeathstare Mon 20-Dec-10 14:32:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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