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to have been furious at pil for insisting on coming round mine for a dinner when ds1 is sooo poorly

(109 Posts)
springchik Sun 19-Dec-10 19:07:38

Loong story!We were supposed to be going round pil for dinner today and sil and her family were coming down from up north. Sil cancelled yesterday because of the snow. I would not have gone anyway because ds1 is really unwell. Mil knows this came round yesterday and ds barely stirred from the sofa or acknowledge her - very unlike ds1.

Anyway mil rang yesterday and said sil has cancelled so she'll come to us. I said ds is poorly and I have nothing in and she said dont worry we'll bring it all to you cooked it'll be like meals on wheels. Still I protested but she can be very intimidating

Anyway ds has been getting worse and worse. High temp lethargic not eating. During the night he was in agony with his ear and he had a high temp. This morning at 845 I insisted that dh rang mil and said she could not come as ds is too poorly. He suggested to her dh and ds2 came to them instead and cook the meal she has planned. He rang and suggested just that she wasnt too happy but dh said she agreed to it apparantly.

To cut along story short ds1 saw an oncall doctor at a dropin centre today he has an ear infection dr described it as red raw and said I'm not surprised he's been in such pain. Changed his prescription at noon when I got in and saw dh he said oh and by the way mum is insisting on bringing dinner to us! shock Tried to ring pil at their home no reply rang her on her mobile and asked what on earth is going on and she hung up.

They came round at about 1 producing a cooked turkey (a week early eh) unpeeled potatoes, carrots, cauliflour, peas etc and announced these are to be cooked. I was furious she said what is your problem. I was so sangry I said i have a poorly boy in there and its rude isnt it to insist on coming round someone elses house turning up with food. She said thats it I'm going I dont have to put up with this. Ds1 cried and said dont go so she said dont worry Im not ggoing anywhere and she stayed and I cooked dinner we ate in the dining room while ds1 was poorly in the living room! angry

Lulumaam Sun 19-Dec-10 19:09:21

well, on the surface, it sounds helpful, bringing round food to cook for you? and saving oyu the bother.. why could DS not come in with you when you ate ?

unless there is a big back story, YABU

activate Sun 19-Dec-10 19:10:10

yes I would be cross too

I wouldn't have cooked though I think that was a mistake

poor you - odd mil

springchik Sun 19-Dec-10 19:10:29

They didnt cook I did. Ds has barely moved from sofa all day.

moondog Sun 19-Dec-10 19:10:57

I can't understand why you are so upset.
They were bringing dinner to you and as dfamily I am sure they weren't expecting you to go all out entertaining them?

My kids would enjoy a visit and some fuss from grandpapretns when unwell.

activate Sun 19-Dec-10 19:11:04

mil didn't cook lulu she handed her raw unprepared veg

BitOfFun Sun 19-Dec-10 19:12:36

Did the cheeky cow bring presents as well?

FakePlasticTrees Sun 19-Dec-10 19:13:11

I'd be ripping DH's head off for not showing them the door. or cooking himself.

I assume he's currently grovelling to you? If not, make it perfectly clear his parent's behaviour was beyond unacceptable and you will always be 'busy' when his family want to organise anything, unless you get an apology from his mother ASAP.

princessparty Sun 19-Dec-10 19:13:38

You had no food in, she brought your some round and your poorly little boy was pleASED TO SEE HER.sTRUGGLING TO SEE THE PROBLEM HERE.

NinkyNonker Sun 19-Dec-10 19:14:43

The words: "kitchen is that way, I'll have mine on a tray thanks" spring to mind.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly Sun 19-Dec-10 19:15:06

Your mistake was cooking it. You should have been more assertive and shown her the kitchen.

DorisIsAPinkDragon Sun 19-Dec-10 19:16:36

I think in reality your are propably more cross at yourself - neither you or your dh had the balls to stand up to your MIL and tell her what was going to happen, you were both steam rollered and as a result YOU ended up cooking in the kitchen when you could have been settled with your DS (giving him time and comfort) eating a quick meal in front of the tv.

YANBU at being annoyed (turning up with uncooked spuds is NOT meals on wheels)

BUT UABU for not having it out with your DH and both of you growing some balls so you are not in the same postion in future.

coldtits Sun 19-Dec-10 19:19:18

You should have insisted she leave when she said "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere".

But hindsight is a treacherous state of being.

Next time, you will have the benefit of KNOWing how unbelievably fucking selfish she can be, and will not feel too bad when you simply don't answer the door.

AliBellandthe40jingles Sun 19-Dec-10 19:19:56

YABU I think. Clearly you've not communicated very well with MIL - either you or DH, and it sounds like she was trying to be helpful.

If your DS was happy to see her, then I really can't see the problem.

I'm wondering if you are using his illness as an excuse to not see MIL?

saffy85 Sun 19-Dec-10 19:22:02

YANBU This was last thing you needed especially as I'm presuming no one got much sleep last night.

As others said you made 2 big mistakes: first was answering the door, the second was COOKING THE BLOODY DINNER YOU WERE TOLD WOULD BE ALL BROUGHT READY PREPARED. Yes I know I had caps lock on but I don't get why you cooked it at all. I wouldn't have. You shoudl ahve stood your ground on that, if only to maintain a smidgen of control over the situation in your own home.

NonnoMum Sun 19-Dec-10 19:22:59

You sound like you have a very nice MiL who will come round, bring food and want to support you as a family.
No wonder she was upset when you threw a hissy fit and then insisted on cooking it yourself.
You should have taken up her kind offer and let her cook it whilst you looked after poorly son in the front room. No wonder she was upset by your preciousness!
And, as for you sly comment on it being turkey, I think you need to get over yourself.

Merry Christmas one and all!

OTTMummA Sun 19-Dec-10 19:23:58

YANBU when you told her straight that you didn't want her company!
No matter how nice the offer is, if someone says, no i don't want company, then you just wish them well and see them another time.

Thats why YANBU.
Not because she seemingly did a nice thing hmm
But because you asked her not to come and she did, she disregarded your decision,, very, very rude.

TheHoneydragonsInTheIvy Sun 19-Dec-10 19:25:41

If the ops dh had walked in with 3 supermarket bags of meat and veg and expected her to cook it, people would be up in arms about it.

Her MiL does the same and she is expected to be grateful?

MiL was asked not to come and a meal was declined. A nice gesture would have been to offer to come round and fuss ds and perhaps ask if the op needed anything from the shop on the way?

prettyfly1 Sun 19-Dec-10 19:25:48

How is turning up with the uncooked ingredients of a roast, for a mum dealing with a poorly child helpful. I would have freaked. You should have shown her the kitchen and told her to knock herself out.

coldtits Sun 19-Dec-10 19:26:56

If you are asked NOT to do something, then doing it anyway in the belief that it's helpful is self absorbed and rude.

ShanahansRevenge Sun 19-Dec-10 19:28:57

The OP never ssaid that the MIL told her to cook it.

"I have a poorly boy in here"

Yes...the MILS grandson! It's not a private affair!

SkyBluePearl Sun 19-Dec-10 19:29:36

You didn't want them tehre and they had no right to force themselves on you. next time maybe stay seated next to your son. They or DH can peel/prepare all the veg!

Baublepink Sun 19-Dec-10 19:34:57

YANBU. I think, your DS, your House, your call. You (or DH) clearly said for her not to come round. No matter what she thought of that she should have respected it. Your DH offered her a good alternative (that is, to have him and DS2 there and leave you to look after DS1 at home) so it wasn't as though she'd have to spend the day alone.

As for the dinner, seeing as she had broken the request of not coming today, she should definitely have arrived in the manner of "we're here now, I'll stick the kettle on and get these veg on the go, you go and see to DS1". i.e actually being some use!

Like me, I think that you don't want any confrontations so I have found the following technique useful. Say what you want to say but in the sweetest tones possible. And several times to drive the point home.

"Oh MIL, how kind of you to offer meals on wheels but DS is really poorly today and JUST NOT UP to any noise or bother or seeing anyone, so please don't come today, you don't mind do you, that's silly of course you won't mind! You know how it is when they're poorly, you just want to keep it all really quiet in the house, and to be honest seeing as we don't know what he's got yet it's best if you don't come in case it's catching. Thanks so much for offering though. I'll ring you later this afternoon and let you know how he is. But honestly, don't come today. It's really not going to work for anyone". Etc etc etc. Get her to agree here and there verbally ie "don't you think/don't you agree/you know how it is" etc because it is harder to go back on a "verbal agreement".

Once she has turned up like today though, I would have got her to cook or definitely been calling through "Marge!(or whoever) All these veg won't peel themselves! Can you give us a hand" then occupy her with loads of jobs. Then say smilingly "whoosh, I'm tired out with all this cooking and nursing, you don't mind finishing it do you" and leave the room, not waiting for her to agree grin

Lulumaam Sun 19-Dec-10 19:37:59

I would have said, thanks for bringing, pans are here etc etc

and what was your DH doing too? he could have boiled some veg

your child has an ear infection, your MIL brought round a cooked turkey, so what if it's a week early hmm and some veg that she or FIL or DH could have cooked, but you got furious, and she was cross in return

i still think on balance, YABU

TheHoneydragonsInTheIvy Sun 19-Dec-10 19:41:09

"we'll bring it all to you cooked it'll be like meals on wheels. Still I protested but she can be very intimidating"

MiL wanted dinner there

"dh he said oh and by the way mum is insisting on bringing dinner to us! Tried to ring pil at their home no reply rang her on her mobile and asked what on earth is going on and she hung up. "

She hung up on the op, that's not caring and sensitive.

"unpeeled potatoes, carrots, cauliflour, peas etc and announced these are to be cooked"

thats not helping, that means pots, pans and mess that the op could probably do without.

Why we are focusing on whether or not the op was asked to cook it is irrelevant. She had said she did not want any of it in her house. She did not say MiL could not see her grandchild, she asked that they do not bring a sit down dinner.

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