Am I being too sensitive?(38 Posts)
Or is my MIL BU?
First of all I apologise that this is ANOTHER MIL thread. And I want to prefix this with saying that while I am overweight, I am not of elephant porportions. I am a about a size 20(may sound huge to some people but I don't look THAT bad) and am 5'8" so I don't look completely like a tellytubby. I have a very healthy diet, its just that I eat too much of it!
My issue lies, as I said, with my MIL. She is a very overbearing woman with strong opinions and a tendancy to tell people what to do, how to do it etc. This is why I ask this as I feel my judgement may be clouded.
On several occasions she has made comments about my weight - like all the rest of her comments they are not straight out insults, more like little digs. One evening we were eating chinese (which is a treat in this house) and she walked in. First words out of her mouth "Its not a bit wonder you're fat". When I was pregnant she said "XXX asked me were you starting to show and I said I didn't know because you are big anyway". I gave her an almost new coat that I didn't want. She said "You must have been an awful lot smaller when you bought this" (it didn't button on her either). And the most recent she said to my DD when we visited the other day "Me and your mother are going on a diet after Christmas". (First I heard of it). There is a lot more than that but I can't think of it at the moment.
Now she is about 16 stone and can't really afford to comment on my appearance. As I said she makes these comments in a way that if I answered back it would make me look petty and foolish. AIB too sensitive? I laugh them off but it is getting to the stage that I am starting to bite my tongue.
I don't think there is any need to bite your tongue. Your MIL is being very rude and disrespectful to you.
Perhaps just ask her why she feels the need to comment on your weight?
Questions like that usually flummox people.
Continue in the same vein until she stops.
I'd be so upset. YANBU.
There is no way I would comment on anyone's weight.
I might think it but I wouldn't say it. Come to think of it I'm not sure that's much better.
She's a bitch. And I would 100 percent say something if she comments about yours or her weight in front of your daughter again! I grew up with a woman with weight issues. It made me fat and my sister bulemic. Don't let her go there.
Thats awful. tell her now its none of her business. rude cow!
Your MIL is being extremely rude.
My MIL, who has managed to maintain the same size 10/12 weight all her life , makes very very subtle comments/digs about my weight (I am have been a size 14/16/18 in the time I have known her) and I am pretty sensitive about them!
She will do things like comment on slim girls wearing those baggy tops one day and it being a shame they don't show off their figures. The next day (when I am wearning one) she will comment that it suits me. Very subtle but I am still sensitive (probably because I am sensitive about my weight anyway - I was a size 10-14 before marrying DH, usually a 12). The lastest is looking me up and down and then saying nothing.
Anyway, if my MIL was as outwardly rude as your MIL I would definitely say something to her. If she is 16 st then surely she is bigger than you (assuming average height)?
Blank her completely. She sounds a horrible horrible woman.
If that fails, tell her to fuck off. Worked for me <other reasons mainly concentrated on her divine son, my DH>
I would be very upset. She's so disrespectful! What does your husband think? Can he put her in her place and say something on your behalf?
YANBU - she is being very rude & as she's hardly tiny herself it seems she is projecting her own weight anxiety/issues onto you.
I'm 5'8" and size 18-20. If my MIL (or anyone I spent time with) talked to me like that consistently I'd take a deep breath, pull them to one side & tell them just how bloody rude they were being & if they didn't sort it out & STOP immediately I would no longer spend any time with them.
Hmmmmmmmmmm I am liking the idea to tell her to fuck off. Have often felt like it but never had the guts.
Yeah she would be "rounder" than me IYKWIM - I a good 4 inches taller than her so my fat is spaced out a bit better! I am going to have to let her know I am getting fed up of the little jibes. My problem is that I always think of the good retort about 2 hours later like when she said "Its no wonder you're fat" I am beating myself up that I didn't say "whats your excuse". Looks like I am going to have her for Christmas dinner - I should serve up slim fast and salad. Wouldn't be long shutting her up.
And when I say "have her for Christmas dinner" I mean "have her over" - not eat her. I am not that fat yet
she's totally rude - why would you want to make someone feel bad even if you do think they look like an elephant. You have every right to tell her she's rude and not to mention your weight again. My sister has put on a lot of weight for different reasons and hope I would never say anything to make her feel bad - we only talk about it if she brings it up. Seems I did hurt her one year by getting her an keep fit video for her birthday (I had the same one and really liked it) but I really didn't mean it in a you must lose weight kind of way.
"they are not straight out insults"
Don't stand for this - you sound lovely. Just tell her that you can diet if you choose, but she will always be a bitter, moaning harpy!
On other mumsnet threads like these (about rude, tactless people) I have seen posters suggest saying things like:
"Do you realise how rude that sounds?"
"Why would you say something so unpleasant?"
"Did you really just say that??"
I cant see how your mil is much slimmer than you, she too is over weight.
mabee is not being rude but voicing out loude the things she telling her self inside. It must make her feel better to say them aloude to you.
unlike you she is not confident and happy in her own skin.
I would turn this around in a very sensitive way and suggest if she wants support with her weight she only needs to ask and you will support her. she may then stop putting you down.
Im not suggesting you should loose weight that is your choice but if you did want to maybe you could together change your eating eand exersise habbits and use your self confidence to support her.
My Dad is OBSESSED with peoples weight: I've no idea why but am sure it says more about him than anyone else. He will regularly comment on how "fat" I'm getting - I'm 6ft, and size 10 / 12 (I know, I'm a total bitch). He is also incredibly bitchy about other peoples weight - his freinds, comnplete strangers, whoever - it's not just me, fortunately.
What I'm trying to suggest is that some people just ARE incredibly obsessive about other peoples weight, and really it has little to do with anyone other than their own hang-ups. It sounds like your MIL is firmly in this category. If you do find a way to get her to "behave" then please tell me so i can try it on Dad!
I don't think you need to think of a 'good retort' - don't let that put you off saying something.
It would be more constructive anyway if you didn't make a jibe back at her but simply stated how you felt and set your boundary: i.e. Please don't speak to me like that, I don't appreciate you making comments about my weight and I don't want you doing it again as it upsets me." You don't even have to say the 'as it upsets me'. You don't have to justify why you don't like it as she is clearly being offensive!
"It's no wonder you're fat" is incredibly rude. It's not subtle, it's not a "hint", it's out-and-out in-your-face insulting.
"And when I say "have her for Christmas dinner" I mean "have her over" - not eat her. I am not that fat yet" - that's funny!
StayingFatherChristmasGirl - they're good things to say, i'll have to remember them.
OP - Don't know if you are thinking of losing weight or not (realise that's not why you posted) but I recently lost weight on Weight Watchers and it's brillaint. You can still have all your treats and the odd chinese! Anyway my reason for mentioning it is because if you do decide to lose weight I think you should do it without telling her (none of her business etc) and then you can call her fat!
My father makes comments about this ALL the time so i know how you feel. I'm 5ft 9 and 16-18 so i know you really must look ok, tallies can get away with carrying a bit extra! Put on some skinny jeans/black leggings and some heeled boots and you'll create a long tall silhouette- that's the beauty of height!You know you can't win with some people. She would moan and bitch if you were skinny. (My father was the same when i lost loads... yet never fails to point out i wasted time/money by regaining)
This lady is rude, immature and tactless. It's karma that she's gained weight.She hates how she looks so she puts you down to make herself feel better. She wants you to share her misery. Don't let her win. You sound soooo much better than her!!!
I agree with StayingFatherChristmasGirl and DiscoTex - be the better, higher person and ask her politely but straightforwardly something along the lines of why does she feel the need to comment on your weight.
I suspect it is to draw attention away from herself and make herself feel better, she sounds like she has low self confidence. Don't let is affect your dd or yourslef, you sound lovely and very level headed!
Don't let her suggest to your DD that people should "diet" or that Mummy needs to lose weight, that's going one step beyond being rude to you.
It's very rude and inappropriate for her to comment on your weight. It sounds like she's not really any slimmer than you (unless she's very tall), so I agree it's coming from her self-hating. It's no excuse for making nasty comments to you though.
YANBU anhd she sounds horrendous. I would use the MN classic response to rude people:
"That sounded really rude. Did you mean it to be?"
Sounds to me like she thinks its ok to comment on your weight because she's overweight as well. She's insecure about her weight and is trying to drag your self esteem down to the level of her's.
YANBU though- she's being extremely rude.
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