for constantly having to defend my job

[lololizzy]

Background is that i have been in my job for 7 years, but 6 months ago due to recession i lost my full time position. All they could offer me was every Sat/Sun. Gutted though i was, because i love the job i agreed to this and decided to find another part time job elsewhere to make up full time hours. ( after all, variety is the spice of life and all that..)
Anyway..hasn't entirely gone to plan as i've been battling depression and still haven't found that second job. That isn't the problem though. I still work weekends even though i have since moved two counties away. I have not regretted this as because it is a lovely job it's almost a kind of break for me! To save the petrol i stay with my parents on the Saturday night as they are ten miles from my work place. This kills two birds with one stone as means i can still regularly see my parents as they are ageing and my father was very ill last year. (whereas if i wasn't still working there i really wouldn't see them that often).
The issue is that the people i wish would be most supportive in my life..ie my parents and my fiance..constantly criticise me for staying in this job. They feel that my employers shat on me from a great height and so i shouldn't be a doormat to continue working for them. ( i honestly did not do this out of loyalty..i really do enjoy the job..also although it was poo, my employers did'nt really have much choice. It certainly wasn't personal).
My fiance thinks i show a weird sense of loyalty as it 'takes me away' from him at weeekends (especially as his son comes every second weekend ), for people that laid me off. He doesn't get that due to depression these two days a week really keep me going and make me feel 'human' . I would only be slightly worse off if went on benefits but i don't want to go on them. I want to keep working.
He doesn't see the point.
My parents present the same arguement and accuse me of wasting my time. They always bring the petrol cost into it even though it's only an hour a way (i mean...that's not ideal, but some people have far bigger commutes!)
I thought given the current economic climate i would be applauded for choosing to carry on working (even if part time and not amazingly paid) and not claiming benefits. It's not just about the money.
I'm sick of constantly having to defend that i want this job at least for the time being - it's like i'm being punished for working!

[BonniePrinceBilly]

Don't defend it. Tell them to fuck off and quit the judging.
I presume you are over 18 and of sound mind? Then fuck what they think.

[A1980]

Any job is better than no job.

But have you tried to find another job? That could be why they are unhappy with it. They may see it as you just taking it if you haven't put much effort into finding a better job.

[A1980]

Sorry any job is better than no job if you are happy there for the time being and it helps your low mood.

But it would perhaps make you feel loads better if you found another job without the sad history of your current job. That must have been upsetting for you.

But you are an adult and it's up to you if you want to stay for the time being.

[lololizzy]

The crazy thing is i am in my 30s!! All of it should be my choice. My business. I was gutted but i didn't whinge and moan i just felt 'life gives you lemons then make lemonade' - i get a lot out of working weekends there. I get some cash and meet some fantastic people. It doesn't feel like a job at weekends.
I guess it's their way of caring and there are some valid points however i wish they'd be more positive.

[werewolf]

Can you do the broken record technique and just repeat 'It suits me for the moment' or something, whenever they start criticising?

Or tell them it's always easier to find a job when you already have one.

[ccpccp]

They're asking you to find a new job that doesnt take you away at weekends, doesnt cost in petrol, and doesnt mean you impose on your parents every saturday night.

Until you find one, stay where you are. But by no stretch of the imagination is it worth travelling across two counties to do a part time role, unless you see a career growing there, or they are paying silly money each day.

I'm surprised your fiance has put up with it TBH. Its his saturday night too...

[ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers]

YANBU

Send you parents and fiancee a letter/email stating your reasons for why you're staying in the job. Then finish it by saying you don't wish to discuss it any further and can they please respect your wishes on that matter.

ccpccp I don't see what 'it's his Saturday too' has to do with anything. Presumably he sees the op every other night of the week. Saturday doesn't cease to exist just because the op isn't there. Besides it gives him the chance to spend some one on one time with his son.

[carriedaxmaspud]

mmm tricku=y one this, you are missing out on seeing your step son too, perhasp this is what pissees your df off.

i wouldnt be happy never seeing my dh at weekends

[lololizzy]

i do miss seeing my stepson to be but we have him a lot at other times...and it does give them one on one time. And i am with my partner five days and nights a week..it's nice to have a break as gives more to talk about!
I think it's more that he cannot understand why i am being loyal to my employers. I look on it as using them..i get to come back, see friends, get a bit of cash too. Not imposing on parents but they do question the petrol issue..which is a good point. However, an hour away is not exactly far..

[lololizzy]

My partner works from home...that is why we do have a lot of time together. I would understand it totally if he was working away from home as we'd have no days together..but that is not the case at all. I do appreciate all your responses on this so far, thankyou

[merrycompo]

So is your dp prepared to support you then and you stay at home?

[mammyshere]

Surely they can appreciate that as others have said any job is better than no job?

Unless they expect you to stay long term on benefits then working pt will put you in better stead when you are ready to look for full time work than having no job at all.

You are a more desirable employee a potential employer when you are working as this is a demonstration of your commitment to employment and your flexibility.

[lololizzy]

Today i have decided i am going to look for jobs in my area but i do feel a bit pressured so am not going to take just 'anything'. Merrycompo - it's not that he supports me financially while i go off at weekends and do my own thing. That would not be fair on him. I pay my way. Everything 50/50. (and he often borrows off me). I moved in with him when we got engaged and left family and friends behind for a town where i knew no one except him. I did not want to quit the job too until i was really ready to do so. I would admit it's probably not healthy to have 'one foot in the past' like that but i really do enjoy the weekends there, it's not a hardship to go back there.
Also...fiance and i moved in Oct from large flat to a small flat. Made worse that he is a clutterer/hoarder and it is v claustrophobic. The lounge is also his office (there is no other place to go to relax..well apart from the bath!) Therefore getting away to the rural setting of my workplace each weekend is quite literally a breathe of fresh air.

[discobeaver]

Sounds like you really need the time away. Have you explained to your fiance how you feel in the flat? Will prob be difficult to do without causing an argument, but I fully see your pov re having a break/your own space.

[merrycompo]

No I mean if he's happy for you to quit he will be paying all the bills?
Do your parents keep mentioning it because they'd rather not have a guest every weekend?

[lololizzy]

Parents do like me there as they don't have other family around. Have a better social life than me(!) so they like it if i'm there of a Saturday night to see to their pets etc! And my dad always wants help with his computer etc etc. They were merely being worried about my forking out for petrol..it didn't make sense to them, they had a good point but i had to weigh everything up and for me the pro's outweighed the cons.
Well if i quit and had nothing else my fiance would be shooting himself in the foot as then he'd have to pay all the bills yeah! good point!! he should stop moaning!
Yes Discobeaver he's frustrated too and trying to get a new business off the ground. He's angry with himself (we had a very very sudden move and he didnt take my advice to put stuff into storage first to give us a chance to sort it before moving it in once everything had a place - he has apologised for that)He's suffering some anxiety however i don't think he has the claustrophobic feeling i have. He can go and work on the computer and shut everything else out.( men seem good at that) I'm stuck looking at/ dealing with it all!
No one would blame me for wanting to get away if they saw it here. I do realise however that moving is always stressful. But he wasnt prepared to downsize on possessions like i was and he now feels overwhelmed.
He sees my point (about the place) yet is daunted and not doing enough to help us get straight.

[monkeyflippers]

I think you should do what ever helps with your depression really and at the moment that sounds like your job.

I have to ask though, you mentioned that you don't fancy going on benefits but would you get them anyway seeing as you live with your fiance (I assume he has a job)? I was out of work and tried to clain but wasn't entitled to anything as my fella has a full time job.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Lizzy, sometimes people have a way of expressing concern that makes you feel claustrophobic and criticised.

I love love, love my mum, but she does this too, and whilst it's mostly fine, when it's about something that matters to me, sometimes it just hits a nerve. For example, when I bought a 2nd-hand car off a relative recently and had to drive it from the North home to the Southwest, she kept on and ON about how it was dangerous to drive so far on my own, weather was bad, couldn't I just leave it a couple of months and do it in the spring, etc, etc. She was really expressing concern and even offered to look after the car up North for me!

But things like that, especially about something as big as a job you love, and especially when you are depressed, can start feeling like nagging instead of caring. Your parents sound like they care for you, so I'd suggest saying next time you are over,

'Look, I know it probably seems crazy to you, but you know I've felt really bad recently, and this job helps me feel sane, gives me my own space. Can you support whilst I keep working there for now? I will leave one day, but not read to yet.'

[RevoltingPeasant]

not ready to yet, argh.

[lololizzy]

monkeyflippers..i only 'considered' the benefits before i moved in with him. I don't suppose i would be entitled to Jobseekers now..i would have to look into that. Guess he should've considered too if was keen for me to quit! He can't afford the financial implications.
I didn't want gaps on CV either whilst jobhunting. I thought 2 days a week crap compared to my usual 5 (or more!) days, but certainly better than zero days.

[lololizzy]

RevoltingPeasant, absolutely true. An hour's drive is nothing to me...to her it would be like equiv of five hours! She finds anything more than 15 mins immensely stressful, bless her.
It hit a nerve but i guess it's her caring ie you don't earn much yet you're paying for petrol for a two day week. Well yes..but i happen to think it's worth it.

[lemonmuffin]

'can start feeling like nagging instead of caring'

Revolting Peasant - that's a really good expression, I'm going to use that next time I'm dealing with the in-laws!

[plupervert]

What about trying a new regime - every other weekend at your parents'? That way, everyone who is pressuring you will feel they are having some influence on you (and don't underestimate how rejection of "helpful suggestions" sours people), you will try the suggestions out for yourself, you will get some time with your DF and his son at the weekend...

You might even do 2 weeks on/2 weeks off, in order to have weekends with DF and without him (he gets his quality time with his son).

You sound a very interesting, hard-working, positive person, and it would be a shame for anyone to lose time with you - your parents, your DF, your work. I do agree with other posters about seeking another job. Yet what you are doing is exactly right, for finding another one.

Best wishes.

[lololizzy]

thanks Plupervert. I cannot afford to work every other weekend however i HAVE tried the coming home at weekends. But it does mean spending a lot more on petrol just to get home about 8pm on a saturday night, then up early Sunday morn and all the way back to work again (60 ish miles). Tried this for a while and too exhausting and costly.
So today i am filling in a form for a local job.
I do have one other point. Petlovers will probably get it but others won't i reckon!
I work in a lovely rural setting (in retail but not in a conventional type really) and have a cat. She's the 'shop cat' but to all intents. I never moved her with me as it would be too cruel. she has the run of woods and fields, def a country cat. She is well looked after when i am not there. I live in a flat on a horrendously busy road so moving her would never be an option. So part of me does want to see her at weekends lol 'cat access'! That's just part of it but is v valid to me.

[lololizzy]

sorry i meant 'mine to all intents'