To be annoyed with my family?(35 Posts)
My mother turned 60 last week and I organised a surprise party in my home for her.Just my immediate family, 11 people in total including my 2 dc. I am also 16 weeks pregnant. The party involved my family traveling and staying with me for the weekend, it was agreed beforehand that it was a party for my mother and not a holiday forth rest " we'll help out, you will not have to do all the work" etc. My two sis did nothing to help out, one in particular just drank for the weekend and didn't lift a plate. I provided a three course dinner on Friday night, dh and myself had to clean up by ourselves, a full English breakfast on Saturday morning, again we had to clean up and wash up ourselves. We provide all the booze and food god the weekend 30 bottles of wine and about 40 cans of beer plus brandies and cocktails and champagne. Nobody was asked to put their hand in their pocket as it wad my gift to my mother for her birthday. By Sunday morning I was exhausted, I was in the kitchen scrubbing pots when my sis came into the kitchen, she helped herself to some cereal ( I hadn't yet eaten) and watched me work, I would have helped her if the situation was reversed. I just felt so angry that I couldn't bite my tongue any longer and told her I was very annoyed that she hadn't lifted a finger to help etc well then my parents arrived into the kitchen and said that I had spoiled the weekend and that I should apologize to my sister. The work I had put into the party and accommodating 7 extra adults in my home was huge. I didn't want any thanks just some help would have a gone along way. Everyone was full of praise for me until I asked for some help. Was I wrong to say anything? My parents have always taken my taken this sis side, cause they feel ( unjustified ) sorry for her. My husband tried to speak to them yesterday also just trying to explain that we needed a bit of help and that I was right telling my sister that I was disappointed. I feel so let down. Thanks for listening.
umm personally i would say yanbu but i am sure plenty will come along to say that you are.
I would have thought it was common courtesy to offer to help, wash up tidy up etc, and if i'm going to a party i bring alcohol with me and offer to bring food.
I don;t think your pregnancy has anything to do with the question tbh, but it is a lot of work to expect one person to do alone.
YANBU was very nice of you too do this but lesson learnt, dont bother again.
Well, you should have set the ground rules at the start and been VERY CLEAR about what your expectations were. This passive agressive nonsense with a flare up at the end is the worst way to handle things.
Yous siblings sound lazy and spoiled and I would have lost the rag too, YANBU, BUT I would have said to them on Friday night-"You clear the table, and I start washing up, and you other sister can dry and put away" then I would have said- "Breakfast things are all in the fridge, who is doing that then?"
Tell your parents, you are sorry you made a scene and say to your sister you are sorry that you shouted at her, but you are tired and it has been alot of work, alot of work that you thought would have been shared.
allluckedout why do you think plenty of people will think OP is BU? her family should have helped out as arranged?
Of course YANBU - but if you knew what your family was like, you should have doled out chores for them as soon as they arrived. Next time make sure everyone has a list of jobs that they are responsible for. If they act like kids, treat them like kids!!!!
Did you ask people for help? "could you wash up, please" etc. I would have rather than seethe quietly. They were all very rude, but you could have asked them.
My mum has asked for help for xmas day, and she will get it.
Thanks for the replies, the only reason I included me being pregnant was because everyone knew I was more tired than usual. When myself and DH were starting to clear the table on Friday night one of my sisters said " god I feel so bad for you doing all the work" and I said that there was nothing stopping her from helping us. Others said they would help too but they got carried away drinking. We did go out for dinner on the Saturday night and for a few drinks and you'll probably think I'm being petty but not one person offered to buy us a drink.
YANBU to feel let down But I am with the post you need to specifically say " can you do do the dishes please" rather than seething quietly.
I really understand the tiredness. During early pregnancy I was unbeleivably tired. It really can be very ott exhausting!
When I said this to my sisters on Sunday, one took it on board, said she was sorry that they didn't help more etc. The only reason there was a scene was the other sister started to cry in front of my parents. I didn't expect my parents to help out. Also we were the only ones with children so we up first on both mornings so really you can't leave the tidying up until 11am when everyone else appeared. One offered to make breakfast on Sunday morning, we told her we were delighted but she didn't get up so that when I found myself frustrated cleaning pots in the kitchen about to cooking brekkie for everyone again. I have truly learnt my lesson. I realise it was my house so we would have to do the bulk of the work. I did as much of the preparation in advance as was possible but a little bit of help would have gone a long way.
were you buying the others drinks in the pub?
Do your family percieve your family unit to bbe wealthy?
No we all contibuted fairly to the bills when we had drinks outside of the home, but we provided all the booze at home. No they do not think we are wealthy, fairly comfortable but not wealthy.
Can I be nosy and ask how old your sister is who started crying? She sounds like a child to be honest.
My sister is 33.
I wish I had not said a word. Just privately learnt my lesson a move on. I'm just so thankful I will be spending Christmas with my inlaws, where I will pull my weight like I always do. When there are a lot of people together something always has to be done and I don't have to be asked. I also think when it's family you shouldn't have to stand on ceremony.
Well it's clear they have acted very selfishly and your sis who turned on the tears for your parents clearly needs to grow up.
Look on the bright side, you have learnt something from this, and at least your DH sound like he pulled his weight so at least you and your immediate family know how to treat people.
YANBU to be upset at your sister for acting like a baby and your parents for not supporting you.
YAB a bit U about when things got done. E.g. if sister offers to make breakfast then you should have just waited until she got up to make breakfast. There was absolutely no reason to step in and diy. If anyone had passed comment you simply had to say "Emma offered to do brekkie this morning, but if you can't wait until she is up feel free to start yourself"
I think that your family have taken you for granted. I think that your parents should not have interfeared when you were having words with your sister. You are both grown women and this conversation took place in your house, not theirs, therefore you are at liberty to say what you want. I feel that your parents should have recognised all the work you and your DH were doing and should not have taken your sisters part over yours.
In future I would not go to so much trouble for people who don't appreciate it. I think it's very bad manners to stay with someone all weekend and make no financial contribution to the alcohol and to make no attempt to help out with chores.
I certainly wouldn't apologise and would go so far as to tell my parents precisely why I was so unhappy and that they ought not to have interfeared.
Yes you are totally right. I should have waited for the breakfast, I would have been better off having a bath.
My parents have always been like this. They are quite immature and can't handle conflict in any positive way. I am very disappointed in them too which is why I will not apologise for what they view as a scene. They were not asked to get involved.
I feel all the good was taken out of the weekend and for that I'm really sorry. I wish I had just bought a regular birthday present and saved myself all the drama.
I cant believe how lazy they were!!! I would never have done that if i was in ur sis posistion. I would have offered to of helped and so would my OH. I personally would have also of brought a few bottles of wine or a crate of beer, and that is something i would of done going to anyones house for dinner, never mind the weekend!! lol
Why on earth would ur 33 y/o sister cry? She does sound like a bit of a child! lol
But why did you cook breakfast for everybody?
We have guests frequently, usually couples and children, and I always tell people to feel like home and help themselves to breakfast when they feel like it. That way they clear up too.
I dont cook lunches either. But I am happy to cook dinners.
Yes my sister did behave like a child for the whole weekend. She is in a relationship for the last 3 months and could talk about nothing else for the weekend. She was ringing him constantly especially when she was drunk which was a lot of the time. Also she kept insisting people spoke to him on the phone which I find uncomfortable when you have never met the person.
QuintessentialShadows, we are also used to a lot of guests. I usually would cook one breakfast over the weekend and go out for another. On Saturday night though my father made a fuss when every bill arrived, complaining it was expensive extra ( it really wasn't I chose very carefully where we went) and its not like they cannot afford it so it took the enjoyment out of eating out resulting in my brother, other sister and myself deciding it was less hassle to eat in. In the end my mother cooked pancakes which I couldn't eat from the stress.
This is exactly the dynamic in my family. YANBU.
Your sisters were being really lazy, but if it was me, when your sister said 'I feel bad about not helping' I'd have chucked a tea towel in her direction and ushered her in the direction of the kitchen
And I would've said upfront for people to bring booze, I would never expect to provide alcohol for everyone as well as food, they should've offered or just turned up with bottles if they were expecting to drink all weekend, that's really selfish of them all.
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