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to be so upset that my Dad has said this to me?

(16 Posts)
mummytowillow Sat 11-Dec-10 21:42:30

I need to get this off my chest, so here goes!

I split up DH two years ago on Boxing Day (yes he left me on Boxing Day)! I moved 300 miles back to my home town, to be near my parents and friends for support.

So, my parents absolutely hate ex, they blame him for everything, he was a twunt, but I did contribute to the break up (PND). I'm not allowed to mention him, talk about him, if my daughter (3) mentions her Daddy, they look like their sucking a lemon! They constantly bad mouth him to their friends and family, all the neighbours know my business!

I have always done everything I can to make sure DD sees her Daddy, I invite him to anything she is in, her birthday etc. As I think she is the most important in all this, he was a shit husband, but a good Daddy.

My Dad refused to attend her birthday in August because her Dad would be there, how sad is that! Its her first ballet show on Saturday, parents have said they would go. I have found out her Dad has bought a ticket, anyone can go if they buy a ticket. I told my Dad yesterday and all hell has broke loose! sad

He was completely vile to me, he said he wouldn't go, they both said I was wrong and should stop him from going to everything she is in, and my Dad actually said that he thinks his own feelings are more important than watching his two grandaughters who adore him, dance in a show? sad He also told me 'not to bring my family problems' into his house and if I didn't like it 'to leave' so I did? There are going to over 100 people watching the show, its for an hour and he can't even do that for us?

Not once have my parents ever given me a hug or said they are sorry about my marriage break up. All they have done is bitch, pick, and constantly dig about him through me. Its awful, all I want is their support, the choice was taken out of hands when he left, yet they are still punishing me?

I'm the first person in their family/friends to get divorced and I think their embarrassed by me? I work full time, have a lovely house, a good mum, with a good job! And their still not happy??

How do I handle this?

MadamDeathstare Sat 11-Dec-10 21:47:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl Sat 11-Dec-10 21:50:02

sounds like a more extreme version of my parents. I no longer have much to do with my parents and I'm muchier happier. They are not capable of emotional support and I'm not able to play at happy families with them.

I generally get on okay with ex though.

AuraofDora Sat 11-Dec-10 21:50:14

They sound really immature, your parents and unsupporting
Most folks would love a chance to be involved in their grandchilds life, living locally etc
not cause problems at the party

He has form in this, not attending events because of your ex, I would let him explain to your dc why he will not attend

your ex will always be her dad and i think it great the way you have put your daughter's needs first, your dad could take a lesson out of your book smile

I dont have any great step by step advice,but I would cut down your expectations of them, visit when it suits you etc
you will have to be the adult in the relationships with them and your dc and ex..

RevoltingPeasant Sat 11-Dec-10 21:50:24

Not to bring your family problems into his house...?

shock

tbh, I'd be tempted to tell your dad that if he didn't ever want to be troubled with 'family problems', he shouldn't have had a family!!

Okay, not helpful, but sympathetic

bestdaysofmylife Sat 11-Dec-10 21:52:26

YANBU. You are doing a great job trying to let your dc stay in touchwith daddy. You have done nothing wrong & if your Dad can't appreciate that it is his problem, not yours. I think you just have to leave it to him go decide. E g you are welcome to come dad but xp will be there. Sorry you feel like you can't support me dad, but it is really important to me that dd gets the chance to love her dad like I love you. If he choses not to,ultimately there is nothing you can do. You are a fab mum & you will have done your best. Good luck. Hopefully he will come round if you stick to your guns, if not there's really nothing you can do & it's his problem.

mummytowillow Sat 11-Dec-10 21:53:22

Oh, I've left something really important out!!

They look after DD two days a week for me as I work full time!! Makes things even worse!! wink

saffy85 Sat 11-Dec-10 21:54:31

YANBU your parents have made your break up all about them, how they feel etc and are incredibly unreasonable. Not only are they making you miserable but this will definately have a knock on effect on your DC (I speak from experience). Don't let them bully you. You are a brilliant mum, not all parents can put aside their own feelings so their DC get to see both parents after a seperation. Your DC will thank you and their dad for doing this when they are older. As for their GPs, if the GPs make them choose, they might find they're the ones who lose out. And it'll be all their own fault.

I'd put some distance between yourself and your DC and them. They clearly aren't supportive of you. Can you email/write to them and tell them how you feel about their shitty behaviour? Get it all off your chest.

saffy85 Sat 11-Dec-10 21:57:28

Find someone else to have your DD while you work. Seriously. Do you want your DD to grow up afraid of upsetting her GPs (who are meant to love her no matter what) just by mentioning her daddy? I'd be worried if they're telling their friends and neighbours all your business what sort of crap are they telling your DD while you're not around.

fulltimeworkingmum Sat 11-Dec-10 21:58:10

Oh God, I know just how you feel. I was the first person in my entire family history who has EVER been divorced. I felt a bit unclean. Having said that, my lovely Granny, who is in her 90's said to me that my husband was not a good man and treated me badly and I was well shot of him.
My family never liked my first DH but supported us wholeheartedly while we were married and never let on that they thought my first DH would turn out to to be the Bad Guy (yup, my family were right!)
Your family, if they truly love you, should support you no matter what.
If not, then you are better off without them and you can find much better people who will be your family.
Good Luck xx

itsasmallworld Sat 11-Dec-10 22:00:32

My mother did similar to me many years ago. One day I snapped, I told her that if she couldn't stop the bad mouthing, nastiness and accept how life had turned out, there would be no involvement in mine or the kids life. I didn't hear from her for the longest 6 months of my life, then she phoned, nothing was ever mentioned of this conversation, and she has never made any comment on this again.

We don't have a great relationship, but we don't have a bad one.

mummytowillow Sat 11-Dec-10 22:01:51

FTWM - My nan is 91 and has got such an open mind, never once has she said anything unhelpful, she is pleasant to him when she sees him etc, shame GP can't be like that!!

I am seriously considering putting her in nursery full time, but if I do that there is no point in working?

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid Sat 11-Dec-10 22:06:23

Oh god how horrible - I really feel for you! Of course YANBU, and good on you for putting DD's feelings first and maintaining a good relationship with her dad. Your dad is being a complete ass. Can he not understand that whatever his feelings about the situation, the DGD that he presumably loves dearly needs to be free to love and interact with her daddy, whatever the rest of the family think of him?

I don't know what advice to offer, just sending you support and hoping you find a way of making him acknowledge the big and vital part DD's dad plays in her life, even when you or family members think he's being a fuckwit (I've certainly been there on numerous occasions.. grin ).

saffy85 Sat 11-Dec-10 22:08:43

See what your entitled too. If you explain (even some bullshit reason, if you don't want to tell him the real reason) to your ex would/could he help with costs?

Your dad sounds like he thinks he's a martyr. "look at all I do for you! Look at what we have been put through!" etc etc. Maybe the poor lamb needs some pressure lifted off him. Like being relieved of regular childcare duties? Your relationship with your ex broke up 2 years ago and your parents are still angry while you have moved on. This speaks volumes imo.

ChippingIn Sat 11-Dec-10 22:12:17

mummytowillow - I can't believe that your parents haven't hugged you or said how sorry they are that your marriage has ended like this...

You are doing the right thing for your DD - don't lose sight of that.

I would tell them that you don't want to hear one more bad word about your ex and that they are not to badmouth him in front of your DD - that if you hear they have been you will stop all contact with them.

If they don't want to go to things when your Ex is there - let it go, don't react, treat them like small children, if they don't get any attention over it, they'll soon see they are the ones missing out.

It does make it more difficult when they childmind for you, but if push comes to shove you'll just have to use a nursery/childminder/share care with friends - you would cope - in the same way you would cope if they moved away or something.

fedupofnamechanging Sat 11-Dec-10 23:21:05

I think your parents are treating you a bit like a child, and are getting cross that you are not obeying them.

I think you are doing a really good thing by encouraging your DD to have a see her father, and of course he has a right to go to her school plays/dances etc.

I think you have to be blunt with your dad. Tell him that you will be making the decisions for your child, not him. I agree that you should find alternative childcare. The less you depend on your dad, the better I think.

I like what RevoltingPeasant said earlier that you dad shouldn't have had a family if he doesn't want to be involved in their lives/problems. Your dad sounds a bit brattish tbh.

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