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...for being upset about DH's behaviour?

(26 Posts)
sadandnamechanged Sat 11-Dec-10 13:42:14

DH and I have been married for less than a year, and are about to start TTC.

In the last year or so, he has made friends with some younger, single guys, who go out a lot until very late, and have a lot of disposable income. Our mutual friends are mostly settling down, starting families etc, and our evenings with them tend to be a dinner party or meal out and in bed by midnight, which I like. However, DH seems to be less and less keen on spending time with mutual friends and more and more desperate to spend all his free time with these younger guys. We're talking nights out (often until the early hours of the morning), all-day weekend "boys shopping trips" which seem to always involve spending hundreds of pounds on clothes, often spending all day togther at the weekend, and constant calls and texts. DH can afford the nights out and expensive clothes, but it comes at the expense of saving for starting a family and over-paying the mortgage which we had agreed we would do. Even when we do see mutual friends (almost all couples), he insists on inviting at least one of these new friends, which I find weird.

Last night he didn't come home until 4am (when I had been off work ill), and this morning has gone straight out for brunch with one of these new friends. Ton be fair, they did ask if I wanted to come for brunch but I'm not well enough.

I feel really neglected in favour of these new friends - DH works very long hours, and we often barely see each other in the week. Now his weekends seem to be spent almost entirely with these friends, and when they're not there and I've managed to persuade him to spend some time with me, there are constant texts with "the boys".

Am I being unreasonable for feeling sad and neglected?

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Sat 11-Dec-10 13:45:01

Age of you both?

If he's under 30 then I think it's perfectly usual for men to be like this.

Don't try to conceive until you are really sure that you both want the same things.

nextchapter Sat 11-Dec-10 13:46:41

YANBU he is not a single young man anymore. He has responsibilties and he has made promises. There is nothing wrong with spending time with the boys but not all of the time. Explain to him how you feel

overmydeadbody Sat 11-Dec-10 13:50:05

YANBU to feel sad and neglected.

You need to talk to your DH about your feelings, as he is probably not a mind reader.

It is fine for him to have these close friendships with other men (regardless of age), but he should make sure you don't feel neglected, but you shouldn't put unreasonably demands on him (it doesn't sound mike you do btw, just saying)

prettywhiteguitar Sat 11-Dec-10 13:52:09

YANBU but DO NOT under these circumstances have unprotected sex with him if you get pregnant while he is doing this you will find it very hard, he prob will not just stop just because you are pregnant

speaking from experience

overmydeadbody Sat 11-Dec-10 13:52:12

He may be freaking oiut a bit about the ttc thing.

Are you sure you are both ready to start that?

Maybe he needs longer being a child free man?

overmydeadbody Sat 11-Dec-10 13:53:21

Talk to him.

PressureDrop Sat 11-Dec-10 13:53:43

Doesn't sound like he is remotely ready to start a family. How old is he?

Rindercella Sat 11-Dec-10 14:00:11

How often does he go out with these new friends? Do the two of you go out just as a couple ever?

I would be wary of starting a family just yet tbh.

Talk to him, find out why he's doing this when you had previously agreed saving money.

sadandnamechanged Sat 11-Dec-10 14:01:12

I'm just 30, he's 30 very soon. He says he is ready and keen to have a baby. I will talk to him about the amount of time he spends with these friends. The worst thing is that I end up feeling resentful about the time he spends with them, so when he does spend time with me, I know I can sometimes be sulky and end up thinking it's no wonder he would rather spend time with them.

You're all right, I need to talk to him properly about this.

PressureDrop Sat 11-Dec-10 14:04:23

sadandnamechanged, I'm sorry if I come across as a bit harsh, but watch his actions before as well as listen to his words.

A man who wants to be out until all hours playing with the boys doesn't seem ready for fatherhood to me.

PressureDrop Sat 11-Dec-10 14:04:45

excuse random 'before', wasnt meant to be in there.

merrycompo Sat 11-Dec-10 14:04:49

This would sound warning bells for me
how long have you been married? Why doesn't he want to spend more time with you?
Could he be playing away? sad

ISNT Sat 11-Dec-10 14:10:26

Just talk to him smile

spidookly Sat 11-Dec-10 14:15:27

Is he gay?

sadandnamechanged Sat 11-Dec-10 14:26:01

Think will go with having a discussion with him before deciding he is gay and/or having an affair (although thanks very much for all input - all useful). I suspect he doesn't realise how upsetting this all is for me. He can also be lovely - I was upset earlier because I'm not feeling well enough to go to a party this afternoon to welcome some friends' new baby, so he's promised to try to organise something with them tomorrow when I'm feeling better. Perhaps we could agree some limitation on the amount of time he spends with these guys, and perhaps some "Blackberry off" time at weekends to give us some privacy and respite from the constant texts and calls.

ChippingIn Sat 11-Dec-10 14:59:41

Sadandnamechanged - be careful. Agreeing to limit his time with these friends will not change what he wants to be doing, all it will do is make him resentful. You need to get to the bottom of why this is what he wants to be doing all the time.

It does sound like, despite what he is saying, that he isn't in fact ready to be settled down, let alone having a baby.

If I were you, I would forget TTC for now, go out, enjoy spending time with your friends, don't ask him to spend time with you etc just do other things that make you happy and see what happens. When he sees that you aren't always there when it suits him he might start to make the effort of arranging things with you and enjoying/appreciating the time you spend together - then you can say to him 'Sure I'll go out with you/stay in but not if you re going to spend all night on your BB so it's me or it'. I am not suggesting this as a 'game playing' technique, I am suggesting you actually enjoy your life in a way that isn't dependant on him.

IF you go along the road of limiting his time with friends (even if he agress) he will 'rebel' at some stage and this will all get much worse if you are at home with a baby...

ChippingIn Sat 11-Dec-10 15:01:38

Gay did spring to mind - I don't know any straight man that goes clothes shopping with his mates & needs to be in constant contact with them like a young teenage girl! Make sure you aren't a 'front' for him

Desiderata Sat 11-Dec-10 15:08:15

umm, it sounds to me like he's done his duty by marrying you, and is now pursuing his natural course.

Are you from a culture where marriage is expected, or was it a purely consensual idea?

xkittyx Sat 11-Dec-10 16:05:01

It's certainly not a situation that would make me happy, even leaving aside ttc. What is the point of the relationship if all his energy goes into this group of friends with nothing left over for you?

pink4ever Sat 11-Dec-10 17:41:15

No YANBY but I would be more worried about the fact that he is going on shopping trips/brunches(wtf!) with other men. I have never heard of any straight man behaving like that. Yeah men have mates who they go to the pub with or to footie etc but this just strikes me as very odd.I would be questioning closely why exactly he wants to go out with these men and also constantly be in contact with them.

JingleBelleDameSansMerci Sat 11-Dec-10 17:49:02

I used to live with someone who behaved like this. He simply was not ready to settle down or even consider having a family. He's not gay but he and his friends were in almost constant contact, etc.

That aside, I think it's his age. He's not 30 yet and I don't think it's that unusual for men of this age to want to behave this way. Not all of them, of course, but I suspect this is something he will grow out of. The point is, though, that having a child together before this phase is past is not something I'd want to do. I think you're right to talk to him but be careful that he's not just saying what he thinks you want to hear...

hairyfairylights Sat 11-Dec-10 17:51:06

YANBU. and I think you'd be crazy to TTC until you have sorted things out with him and he's realised he's being a dickhead.

spidookly Sat 11-Dec-10 19:49:38

There again at 29 my life was all brunches, late nights, and incredibly intense grad school.

No way would I have wanted to spend all my time with "other couples". But I wasn't married or interested in ttc (or claiming to be).

RevoltingPeasant Sat 11-Dec-10 21:46:50

It is a very difficult situation, sad.

I am not quite in the same boat but not far off -- same age and my DP has said he maybe hmm wants DC. I want to start ttc like you but he keeps hedging. Recently I had to move for work, so we're living apart for a bit, and suddenly he is socialising all the time. Like, going out drinking till the early hours 3 nights a week - and not just during the Xmas season, either.

I suddenly feel like, am I too boring? Am I stifling him -- was I before? But then I don't want to put him off by being all clingy.

So right now not saying anything beyond teasing him occasionally, but we'll see what he's like in a few months. Sorry to hijack blush but I do feel for you.

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