Buying extra gift for my daughter(20 Posts)
Bit of background - when OH and I got together I had a daughter, he had 3 kids with ex and over the years we've had 2 together and the 3 kids with ex now live with us.
Ex gets access to kids once per week,OH drops them at her house & picks them back up.
Anyway - I've always treated 3 SC as my own as they are all young and the circumstances surrounding them coming to live with us were messy and they were pretty traumatised kids - basically mum couldnt look after them right and SW removed them from her care
So lately after a good few years the contact is going ok and kids go to her house.
The kids all get on well with each other. There's the usual sibling rivalry but there are 6 of the and thats bound to happen.
They look out for each other and you would never know it was 2 families thrown together.
We treat all the kids the same, and they all get equal amount of gifts, one to one time, treats, etc etc and our little (big) family works great.
The only time there is some resentment though is when SC visit their mum and come back with gifts. I don't mind this myself as she is their mum and is perfectly entitled to buy her children gifts. Just like I am my daughters mum and buy her little treats on those days to equal it out.
But Xmas is approaching and this is the first year that the SC will spend with her for some years. before they had supervised visits and it would happen over the space of a few hours. This year if all goes well they will spend the whole of boxing day with her. Doesn't sound like much, but its a big step for all of us.
Thing is - they will have their Xmas day, and get all our presents, xmas dinner etc on that day and the next day will get the same all over again.
My youngest 2 wont know any different but I feel my daughter will be feeling a little left out when they come back laden with xmas presents and stories of how good their day was.
The ex never makes any point of realising we're all a big family unit. And always singles her 3 children out and ignores the other 3. So I know there's no chance of a little token gesture gift. Even though I sent a little thing when she had her new baby because her having a new baby was a big thing to my 3 SC (her own kids).
So I thought maybe I could get my daughter a few extra gifts to open on boxing day. OH is working that day and the stepchildren will be at their mums so it will be just me, her and the youngest 2 who don't know any better anyway.
But OH and my parents think this is a silly idea!! They think it is like spoiling her when in fact I just want to give her a few extra LITTLE things - to take the blow off her step-siblings coming home laden with lots of extra presents.
I don't want her to feel left out because to be honest it used to be just me and her, and she's been through a lot of change the last couple of years with the extra siblings etc. So why shouldn't I soften the blow a little?
AIBU to want to have a few extra xmas presents for her to have on boxing day so she doesn't feel left out or resentful at her step-siblings getting lots of extra?
No, I'd thik this is fine if it's something small -- maybe a cheap DVD to watch together first with you, and then she could let the others see it when they're back home?
Or how about a short trip out (if anywhere's open) for cake and hot chocolate?
YANBU. I think in the cicumstances i would probably do the same thing.Just get her a few little things and im sure she will be happy enough.Is there any chance that the other mum will be sending your dd a gift ??
I have no experience of step-families but think that sounds like an excellent idea.
Sounds fine to me (speaking as someone who was once a step-child).
I don't think that is unreasonable at all.
YANBU, as long as it doesn't become big and out of proportion.
The meal out sounds a nice idea, though it would probably have to be a pub lunch to find somewhere open, and I don't know how you'd feel about that. And of course you would have to include the two youngest so that you don't have four children getting "extra" and two who don't.
That way, they all get the same, it's just that three are getting it from your DP's ex.
Maybe if you phrased it that way, your DP would understand.
I think it sounds lovely
you could all go to the panto as well
Thanks, my youngest two are 3 and 1 so they don't really notice at all.
NO chance of the ex getting my daughter a gift.
She doesn't see her biological dad at all, hasn't done since she was about 18 months old - his choice not mine. And she sees my OH as her dad. She knows biologically he isn't her real dad but she says (and she's only 7 btw) that hes the best dad she'll ever have and the only dad she'll ever want
How about you ask the 3 SC to buy (i.e. ypi get, they give) her a special present that they can give her on Boxing Day as they go out, to make her Boxing Day special even thoughthey ren't with her?
Not at all I would for sure nothing big just something to balance it all out. Mind you all 3 out for lunch on your own you are brave even thinking of it - I would go for the DVD and maybe some special mum time ..if you can fit it in.
I dont think thats unreasonable at all, it will be lovely for her to have something new to show the other 3 when they come back with extra presents, though I do think if you can afford it the younger 2 should get something too, I just know if I were to give my eldest an extra present, my 3 and 1 yr olds would be upset if they didnt get one too (especially the 3 yr old)
What about making a little boxing day hamper for you to share?
A new drinking mug with a sachet of hot chocolate, marshmellows & a candy cane to stir it with.
A cheap dvd to watch togeather with some popcorn.
A bath bomb, new flannel.
a jigsaw - that type of thing.
I do similar fr my dc's on xmas eve with reindeer food & new pj's in.
I utterly agree with homeboys. Focus on activities that you and your DD can do together, not stuff you can buy.
thanks homeboys - that makes more sense when you look at it that way...
thank you for the idea
My DH has a half-brother and as a result when they were growing up they would both get 'uneven' presents at some time or another.
We were discussing present etiquette for my cousin's kids (she is in a remarkably similar situation to the OP) and whether to get presents for her partner's kids who we barely know, because it seemed mean just to buy for my cousin's kids.
His take on it was that when he was a kid he understood only too well that his bro's circumstances were different to his and consequently the present score was also different, and that was just the way life was. We just got the cousin's kids presents and she was fine with that- she and her partner work out a thing to balance up the uneven presents by matching up the two sides, IYSWIM.
Having said that I think homeboys' post gives you a good compromise between all or nothing, and is more in the spirit of Christmas, as well.
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