Where do we go from here

[sadsod]

The back story. Married early 90's. House was mine, DH professional with prospects. Agreed we wanted two children. As soon as married lots of rows about this and DH v. reluctant. Had DS after 2.5 years - not enthusiasm during pg. After that argued and argued about having 2nd but did in spite of many miscarriages.

Thought all was well and that were reasonably happy when the children about 8 and 6. At that stage I had gone back to work p/t and had inherited some money which paid of some of the mortgage and done up the house a bit (new one - bigger). DH has always been very mean with money - salting away into secret savings. He comes from a v. mean glass 1/2 empty sort of family who pinch every penny possible.

At that point found out that when the children were tiny, DH had been going to prostitutes. He blurted it out in bed one night. Was absolutely devastated but were transferring ds to independent school and didn't want to jeopardise it. I have always paid exactly half the fees so have fulfilled my side of the bargain.

Had a terrible year 2008 for a variety of reasons and during this year DH's father died very suddenly. At beginning of 2009 DH, an intelligent man supposedly, jacked his job in without any consultation. A good job 67k a year and he had been there for nearly 20 years. He was fed up and couldn't see the end. Did it in a deep, deep recession.

Had an absolutely terrible year - DH out of work, naturally spending his (our) savings which of course are exhausted. We had row after row mainly me ranting because I was so let down and thought he should get off his backside.

Eventually he got a couple of locum jobs and now has a permanent job in his native county with brilliant prospects. Lives with his mother Mon-Fri and commutes back for weekends. Problem may be mother in that she's a whinging, mean, cheapskate who knocked all the confidence out of her children and made them all feel they were poor. The PIL left 650k!!

Last night had another huge row DH feels teh riots are understandable and doesn't think our dcs shoudl go to uni and that we have absolultely no means to support them.

House worth 750k, mortgage 29k, endowmensts due in next 18 months of about total of 45k. DH earning 65k with prospects of much more. I earn 30k.

I don't actually know whether he wants me to chuck him out because he doesn't have the balls. He also says he wants to relocate to home county and I am not supporting this. The children are Y10 and Y8!! This cannot happen right now. Actually I would love to relocate because our standard of living would be better but I feel I have to put the children first.

AIBU to feel totally let down and WWYD. I feel the marriage is more or less dead but I don't want the children to suffer and they would be devastated if we divorce.

[HelenRosie]

What kind of father is he? My parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and made each other miserable for years, leaving us children feeling guilty. Divorce would have been a better option.

[sadsod]

Fairly hands off. But involved with DS's sport and DS adores him.

[sadsod]

I have tried to persuade him to do relate counselling but he thinks it's a waste of time.

[HelenRosie]

If your only concern is the children may suffer I think you should divorce. They will suffer just as much seeing their parents unhappy.

[Rannaldini]

this should be in relationships