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To feel as though I am beginning to really resent my 'difficult' child?

(13 Posts)
Somethingwicked Thu 09-Dec-10 15:12:39

She is only 16 months old, and she has a twin brother and an older 2 year old sister. She has no ailments, no special needs that I am aware of, no profound emotional scars, and 50% of the time she is lovely. But the other 50% of the time she is a howling banshee. I hate leaving children to cry, but with my circumstances of 3 at home and being a full time mum, I often don't have the choice.

I just get really angry with her for making what would otherwise be a peaceful, happy, life at home of mother and three children into a high stress, high decibel cryathon day in and day out. Clearly, she wants more attention, but I have tried so many things to calmly get her to seek it in other ways. All to no avail.

I know it is completely irrational and wrong to get angry with a 1 year old, but in the irrational world that so much shrieking and crying draws me into, I just can't help it. I never take it out on her but I often have to shut myself into rooms away from the children and throw cushions around and cry until I feel a bit of the adrenalin leave my body...

Is this normal to feel this way, I suppose I am asking? Or is it me that is the problem not her?

reikizen Thu 09-Dec-10 15:16:55

of course it's normal! I used to feel a bit like that about dd1. Her moods would set the tone for the whole family and I would feel so cross when I thought what a lovely life she had compared to some children. This was from the age fo 3 until about 6 months ago. She's 6 now and loads more even tempered but you have my sympathy! My mum said I was the same and she used to go out of the room for a fag (it was the 70s) and return a better person!

SheWillBeLoved Thu 09-Dec-10 15:17:55

Completely normal I'd say. My daughter is the same age, I only have her, and feel the same way at some point most days. It's a bloody demanding age. Is she bored perhaps? Do you do things during the day/get out of the house at some point?

[hands you a cuppa]

WilfShelf Thu 09-Dec-10 15:19:40

I think it is normal, but it is probably a sign that you need a bit more support? You have three kids under 3 which is enough to drive anyone nuts!

I would suggest - for now - two main things. 1. Make sure you have some sort of break, time to yourself, night out, whatever, to look forward to. Beg a babysitter, persuade (if there is one) your other half, and go out on your own if you have to. Once a week, twice a month, even once a month or AT ALL, may make the most enormous difference to your ability to cope.

And 2. can you work out what is making your daughter cry? Is she tired? Coudl tackling something like overtiredness or hunger help? We found with our screaming third child that disrupted sleep was at the heart of lots of his unhappiness. Once we tackled that, everything else got a LOT more pleasant...

Good luck.

autodidact Thu 09-Dec-10 15:28:49

Poor you. You have a lot on your plate with 3 under 3 and are stressed. It's not her fault- she's just a baby at 16 months, really. She sounds at the lively, hectic, emotional whirlwind end of normal and that will be lovely as she gets older and life calms down a bit. Can/do you get any help with childcare at all? Sounds like you could do with a break now and then and/or a chance to spend some quality time with each child. Homestart might be useful?

Somethingwicked Thu 09-Dec-10 15:39:26

Thank you. I am surprised that it seems to be normal. But glad. You just get into such a dark place after a lot of crying that you think the world has turned upside down.

petelly Thu 09-Dec-10 18:01:54

DD1 was really difficult and demanding. It was very intense at that age - and we only had her then! She's still very determined and stubborn but now she's 7 you can reason with her and she understands what's reasonable behaviour (mostly grin). And her determination when she sets her mind to something has become a positive personality trait.

But I remember how hard it was with her as a toddler (we tried controlled crying as a last resort but she had far more willpower than we did!!!) and comparing her to other much more laidback and easygoing children so I really sympathise with you. She was so terrible family and friends refused point-blank to babysit for her!

You do get into a dark place with the crying and the all-consuming intensity of a difficult toddler. And you also have another two very young children to take care of as well, so YADNBU. I think you've had good advice in trying to get support - you definitely deserve some.

SummerRain Thu 09-Dec-10 18:07:46

I'll post properly later as i'm about to serve dinner but my eldest has been like that since she was born... high maintenance, high decibel and extremely stressful to be around.

It doesn't make you a bad parent to feel worn out and frustrated by it. I find the worst aspect is that it can be hard to feel the same towards the difficult child as you do towards the easier ones and the guilt that causes is horrendous sad

mamatomany Thu 09-Dec-10 18:22:47

Nursery 2 days a week, saved DD2's life.

CaptainHaddock Thu 09-Dec-10 18:41:22

My youngest DD is also high maintenance and extremely stubborn. I sing a little tune queitly to myself "I am calm I am patient" when she's at her worst - it stops me throttling her as she shrieks and wails for no apparent reason (usually just wants undivided attention).

CaptainHaddock Thu 09-Dec-10 18:41:48

quietly

PressureDrop Thu 09-Dec-10 18:44:58

I felt like this with just my DS shock. he was a really demanding baby and toddler and it was all just such hard work. I actually find two kids (my DD is a reasonable little girl, and now my DS is older, he is slightly more reasonable, too) easier than I found just having him as a baby.

So...you are NOT alone. I had many 'lock self in bathroom and count to twenty' moments, and I didn't have three under three!

I agree with other posters - you could do with more support, if possible. wCould you put your oldest in nursery for a couple of days, even? So you just have the twins and can concentrate on them?

SummerRain Thu 09-Dec-10 18:49:16

totally agree with mamatomany... creche 3 half days a week from 2 made me a lot more able to deal with dd when she was there. And I was unemployed and broke and the creche was expensive, so you can imagine how far I had been pushed to spend a small fortune on a creche!

I find I get so frustrated with dd as she makes otherwise simple situations so difficult and fraught... often i'll wake up in the morning specifically saying to myself 'Today I'll try harder to be patient with her, it's not fair on her always being given out to' and before breakfast is over she's pushed me to my limit sad

It's like she can't ever just take the easy route... she has to shriek and yell and have hysterics and whine and wail and all that over every tiny little thing, if one of the boys so much as touches something she was playing with she'll scream like a banshee being disemboweled! The thing is... half the time it would be an easy situation to resolve but due to her reaction she ends up in trouble as well sad

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