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to want DH to lose a bit of weight and get fit

(28 Posts)
naggingwife Thu 09-Dec-10 11:02:58

Prepared to be flamed for this... would appreciate the views of the mumsnet jury.

When I originally met DH (12 years ago) he was a fit and sporty type. As I think is common, things have started to slide over the years. He is 34 now, has a stressful corporate job and I think no longer has the inclination to make time for exercise. I am a SAHM and do most of the cooking, so make sure that what I make is fairly healthy - but for DH this is only supper (I suspect his eating habits through the day leave a bit to desired).

He is a brilliant husband and father and I have no other complaints, but I have been looking at him lately and noticing the beginnings of a beer gut etc. It's not as if he's huge, but he could probably do with losing a couple of stone. I think what worries me most is that this might be the start of a slippery slope - both of his parents are hugely overweight (obese) and unhealthy, and his older brother is clearly heading the same way.

I feel I work really hard to promote a healthy active lifestyle to the DCs, but am concerned that the example really needs to be set by both parents. I don't want the DCs growing up with an overweight and unfit dad. But on the other hand I know that as I am at home all day it's very easy for me to prioritise long walks, park trips, swimming etc.

I'm being awful arent't I blush. Partly I think that this is really none of my business, and that if DH was having similar thoughts about me I would be furious. But I always thought that we were on the same page with this, and it's just that for him things seem to have changed so much lately. I can't believe that he's really happy iwth himself, and he's only 34, that's a lifetime of sitting at a desk and after work beers in front of him!

MrManager Thu 09-Dec-10 11:04:04

Gasp! A 34y/o isn't as fit and sporty as a 22y/o?! DIVORCE!

InkyStamp Thu 09-Dec-10 11:11:20

Turn this around..How would you feel if your DH said you didnt look as it now as you did 10 yrs ago? You said you would be furious...

Is HE happy with how he looks? You say you cant believe he is, but have you asked him?

fedupwithdeployment Thu 09-Dec-10 11:14:06

Why don't you try and suggest that the whole family takes things seriously. Could you do a joint diet? Not sure you need to? Perhaps this could involve you both going for a jog / bike ride / stopping booze during the week?

I feel the pressure the other way round. DH is 43, but cycles to work most days (6 miles even when it was -4 degress hmm and is exactly the same shape he was (tall and skinny) when I met him 16 years ago. He is the one who wants to take the boys swimming / cycling at the weekens - I am happy to but there is always so much other stuff to do!

I think you are right to be a little concerned - so YANB totally U, but probably needs handling v gently.

minibmw2010 Thu 09-Dec-10 11:18:15

What kind of shape are you in? Are you in as good or better shape than when you originally met? If so, then you may be able to make an argument for him to "improve" himself, if not then I don't think you can frankly. Why don't you all buy some bikes and take them out and cycle as a family, it may trigger an idea in his head and he'll carry on with it. If not, you are supposed to love this man so I guess that means you'll have to accept his shape.

clairefromsteps Thu 09-Dec-10 11:23:33

Ooooh, tread carefully with this one! YANBU to want him to get fit, eat healthily etc, after all this is a commendable thing for everyone to do, but absolutely do not make it sound like you want him to do it for his looks, or you will be looking down the barrel of a cold Christmas with maybe an added dash of silent treatment (purely imagining what my DH would be facing if he pulled a stunt like that on me)

GrimmaTheNome Thu 09-Dec-10 11:35:03

As your concern seems to be for his health rather than his looks, YANBU at all.

My DH is prone to put on weight and appreciates help in keeping fit. When he worked full time I'd make sure that if he wanted to go to the gym in the evening we'd eat to fit in with that.

Are there any sports/activities he used to enjoy which have fallen by the wayside of late which you might encourage him back into? Now might be an appropriate time to see if he'd like any sort of membership/kit for christmas.

Also if you're planning next years hols see if there's something active you might all enjoy - it will depend on the ages of your DC too of course.

We will be 50 next year and are a lot more active than when we were 22 slobby students! Wider of girth but in many ways fitter.

marriednotmulled Thu 09-Dec-10 11:36:42

I understand the sentiment entirely but you're on a hiding to nothing IMO.

My DH has expanded considerably over the years and he hasn't got the height to carry it. I don't need to tell him he's overweight, he's not blind but he's not bothered embarrassed enough to make the effort to change. He has high blood pressure and is avoiding the GP's repeated requests for a blood test to check for other issues.

You can encourage your DH to join in with activities and set good examples to your DC's but ultimately, it's his body.

Luckily for DH, I'm a bit of a chubby chaser grin

Unwind Thu 09-Dec-10 11:38:48

I struggle with this too - no easy answers. Will watch in case anyone has good advice.

LemonDifficult Thu 09-Dec-10 11:42:09

I could have written your post, OP.

I've been wondering about this and what to do with my DH. He's actually overweight (the nurse told him so a month ago), and really should start to do something about it but what can I do? And I feel disloyal letting it bother me.

BUT... It does bother me. He can eat a tub of ice cream in a night and does a couple of times a week. He's been slim until his 30s and doesn't have any 'control' on his eating.

So basically YANBU to want him to get fit and lose weight. I just don't have a suggestion as to what to do about it!

Olifin Thu 09-Dec-10 11:44:31

I don't think YABU OP. I'm sure none of us are daft enough to expect our partners to look exactly the same for evermore but equally, we are entitled to feel a bit bewildered if a partner appears to be not really taking care of themselves.

As a SAHM, would you be prepared to 'allow' DH to have some time at weekends to go to the gym/take part in a sport? (Just 'cause I think it sounds like it's going to be difficult for him to fit it in around his work otherwise)

FanjolinaJolie Thu 09-Dec-10 11:52:06

I can see where you're coming from OP. YANBU.

Not sure how to 'sell' it to him somehow. Physical attraction is really important. I know I have stacked on the pounds since having the children and that DH sees me as less attractive (he hasn't said a word but I know) I am making a real effort to get healthy and tone up, I know he would do the same as me. Lucky bugger is always toned and fit due to his job.

I really want him to look at me and think 'oooo hottie'.

Unwind Thu 09-Dec-10 11:56:51

My DH is very active, takes part in sport, goes to the gym every day.

But he seems to have terrible self control when it comes to his eating, and I hate myself for feeling annoyed with him as he binges on junk.

traceybath Thu 09-Dec-10 12:00:54

I don't think yabu at all but not quite sure how you discuss it with him.

Mumcentreplus Thu 09-Dec-10 12:03:19


thx1138 Thu 09-Dec-10 12:07:02

You are not being awful if your main concern is his health.

He's heading towards 40 which is the point where you do need to concentrate more on taking care of yourself, particularly if there is a family history of stroke, heart disease and cancer.

Most of us can whip our bodies with bad food, booze, fags, drugs etc and bounce back for a limited number of years. After that it's a game of risk.

THe sell is this. If you don't lose some weight, eat a better diet, moderate the booze then there is a chance you won't be around to see your grandchildren.

I realise that sounds harsh and I will admit that it is based entirely on my experience of losing both my parents before they reached pensionable age - one to a massive stroke and one to cancer, both induced by bad diet and lifestyle choices.

thx1138 Thu 09-Dec-10 12:10:09

LemonDifficult - if your DH is sugar bingeing I suggest you/he do a bit of reading around the low GL diet. THis helped me to kick my addiction to refined sugar.

MumNWLondon Thu 09-Dec-10 12:14:02

I see your concerns OP, but before you discuss this with him - I think you need to think about what sort of shape you are in and how you would feel if he said it to you. If you would be furious then I suggest you do nothing.

FWIW, I am currently on a strict diet to loose my excess babyweight after DC3 - have now lost around half of it. I find myself less attractive being 2.5 stone overweight so don't doubt he does too. It wouldn't bother me if he said it provided done so tactfully.

Am using EA sports active for wii each evening and going to gym 3x a week (on days I don't work). Because I am taking this sort of priority in my own weight/fitness I have been able to discuss with DH - he is probably only a stone over what he was when he met and he is going to try and lose with me.

Perhaps say that you are going to loose 1/2 stone as new years resolution and do exercise and why not do it together? I agree slippery slope is his parents are obese.

Unwind Thu 09-Dec-10 12:27:20

How do you discuss it tactfully?

I don't think I'd mind him saying it to me, but I've never been in any way overweight, so maybe I lack insight. When we have discussed it, I've got his back up.

thx1138 Thu 09-Dec-10 12:40:43

If your partner is overweight and you think it is an issue in terms of health then why wouldn't you raise it and why would they be furious or vice versa?

GrimmaTheNome Thu 09-Dec-10 12:41:15

You don't discuss it in terms of weight or appearance at all, for starters!

Try thinking in terms of his quality of life. Is there something he would like to do which you could facilitate?

mayorquimby Thu 09-Dec-10 12:42:23

It's a tough one and you have my sympathies.
I haven't had to deal with it but I know that if my GF put on weight it'd bother me.

naggingwife Thu 09-Dec-10 13:10:40

Thanks for all of your responses. I really like the idea of trying to plan more active family time, and giving him a bit of time at the weekend to do something he might enjoy, maybe Sunday afternoons "off" to play squash or something. I think most have you have picked up on this but I would stress that it's really really not a looks thing, I just worry that he's storing up health problems (his family history is not good at all) and also that the DCs will think that this is an acceptable / normal lifestyle. I doubt I'll be able to raise it directly, but might try implementing a general family healthy eating plan for the new year. DCs are still little (5,2, one due in April) but I wonder if it might be easier with slightly older children to find family activities that would have real health benefits for adults too.

stickersarecurrency Thu 09-Dec-10 13:17:31

YANBU at all. Mine's the same, as he's got older physical activites have slid out of the picture. But he eats the same. Fortunately I'm a fat bird so I can moan at him about it and he can moan at me back grin

I would be honest with him about your concerns for his health. Why wouldn't you be?

GrimmaTheNome Thu 09-Dec-10 13:28:14

OP (don't think your nickname is apt, more like 'SupportiveWife)

- yes, it does get easier to find family activities as they get older.

When my DD reached 9 and got her 'big bike', that prompted us to start cycling together - DH had not been on a bike for about 40 years but really enjoys it now.

But you do see families out with various combinations of trailers, seats and towing to accommodate all ages.

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