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aibu with partner

(19 Posts)
LilQueenie Thu 09-Dec-10 00:09:31

arrghh. Probably not the correct category Im posting in so please forgive me. A few questions. aibu to be upset when my partner who does not live with me expects me to give him half of any chiild benefit I recieve so he can put it into a trust fund for said child? He works part time but says he will take the money from anywhere he can get it and I am being a bad mother for not wanting my child to be well off! He also wants to know if I will give him back any csa money I get if he needs it for bills. Ive tried to leave and he threatens me with all sorts. He makes snide remarks each day and holds the fact that I wouldnt have a child without him against me. He has paid thousands to bail me out of trouble and £8000 on ivf but I dont think its fair that I have to put up with his attitude.

He also wont go anywhere with me because he says I flirt and look at other men FFS he is seeing things I swear but its always my fault.Im 11wks pregnant and apparantly its my fault if anything happens cause of stress. My worry is that he will ruin my birth by accusing me of looking at a doctor or something and Im afraid of postnatal depression. He says I had better not get postnatal deprssion. My parents are no good they wont get involved.

LilQueenie Thu 09-Dec-10 00:11:22

I dont want to keep his child from him but he treats me so badly at times i feel so sad inside and dont really think being with him is the right thing but I would want a clean break meaning no contact for him with the child.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit Thu 09-Dec-10 00:22:11

Stop giving the money.

the CTF are worth less money now than when they go in anyway. Are you sure he's depositing the money?

Long story short?

You DON'T have to put up with any of this.

Make a break now and get rid. Sounds like he's done his job, and the rest of the parenting business would be better done with you.

What is he threatening you with out of interest? A quick trip to the CAB will put you straight if he's trying to trick you.

Do I take it that you are not yet a mother? that this 11wk pg is the baby in question?

If he is like this now, I dread to think what he will turn into when you have had the baby... <shudders>

This man is vile, you need to tell him to sling his hook, and that you will take it from here...

LilQueenie Thu 09-Dec-10 00:28:06

yes its the child im 11wks with.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit Thu 09-Dec-10 00:39:02

Get out. Now.

he is a psycho.

LilQueenie Thu 09-Dec-10 00:43:24

Im not sure how. We dont live together but we have keys to each others houses. He refuses to give it back. I have no support from anyone and he is always going on about how no one can be trusted because you dont know who might be out to get you as walk down the street. He is also really big on violent stuff. I care for him but also want away from this part of him. I have zero support. He keeps loads of his stuff here but no longer stays. If I explained this to the HV would she be able to provide me with some support.

nextchapter Thu 09-Dec-10 00:43:28

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Leave this vile man now.

LilQueenie Thu 09-Dec-10 00:44:28

oh and he isnt even supposed to be here to begin with! so he holds that agaisnt me by saying my house will be taken off me. I honestly dont know what to do.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit Thu 09-Dec-10 01:01:40

#1 change the locks

#2 Get his stuff in bags and dump it on his step

#3 ignore everything he says.

He has manipulated and abused you for long enough that you are isolated and alone. Who on earth is 'going to get you'? FFS he has done a number on you hasn't he?

If he doesn't stay there, is not on any documentation to say he is, then how can your house be taken? You are not doing anything wrong.

WHY do you not have any RL support? Is that HIS doing?

TALK to your HV, let her help find you people to help you.

chipmonkey Thu 09-Dec-10 01:01:53

He is vile. Get out now. Really.

colditz Thu 09-Dec-10 01:02:57

Get OUT

Ring womensaid. they can help you. You aARE being appallingly treated.

LilQueenie Thu 09-Dec-10 01:06:15

I mean anyone around junkie or not he thinks can hurt people. I say he is paranoid he says its common sense. He doesnt live with me but he did stay over in the beginning which I wasnt happy with as he didnt ask and I was in la la land at that point! He still wont remove his stuff. My mum and stepdad wont get involved because I always end up back with him but thats because I dont have any support to get away. My dad is totally oblivious to anything he doesnt want to believe is happening.

colditz Thu 09-Dec-10 01:09:43

Women's aid.

colditz Thu 09-Dec-10 01:10:14

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Tolalola Thu 09-Dec-10 01:14:04

Call Women's Aid. They can help you and support you.

Laurtopsy Thu 09-Dec-10 01:40:49

First things first, call Women's Aid.

Secondly, change the locks on your house and send his key back to him in the post if you feel safe doing that.

Completely cut him out of your life. YANBU. This man is vile and abusive and will be no good for you or your unborn child. He may be a sperm donor but it takes a lot more to be a father. Would you honestly trust your child with him?

If he isn't on the birth certificate then he isn't legally recognised as the father. Sure, he can go to court to obtain a paternity test and put himself on the birth certificate and gain access that way but you can build a case against him. I am not saying you should cut your child's contact with him if he is going to be a good father or if the courts allow it at all. I think YWBU to do that for the child's sake more than anything else but if you have a safety concern for that child, your fears are warranted and you need to make your clean break.

If he says anything about anything legal, CAB should be able to sort things out and iron out the legal things you don't know but need to know.

It is completely unreasonable for him to expect half of the child benefit and for him to have money back for bills from his child support. The money taken out of his wages would be calculated by the CSA and he would have to be able to afford to pay his bills and live with the income lost in maintenance. If he can't live on the amount he'll have left over then he needs to manage his money better, you shouldn't have to bail him out with money he should legally pay for his child. This won't matter if he isn't legally the baby's father since you won't get child support.

The child benefit is allocated to you, as the primary carer and mother. He is not entitled to the money nor half of it and legally he has no grounds.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit Thu 09-Dec-10 09:30:20

How Old are you LilQ?

Have you got any friends that could help?

You said junkie, is he involved in drugs?

You are going to have to take a big decision here and stick to it.

your decision is to find some love for yourself, protect your unborn child, and commit yourself to clearing this crap from your life. Does your mum know you are PG? Is there any other family you can ask to help you, even if it's just holding your hand.

Your child will not benefit from having him in their life, you are suffering only knowing him, he is a bully and a vile little man.

you say you weren't happy about him staying over at your house. How did that happen then? did he just barge in? Did you even consent to the sex that got you pg?

I'd advise that you get legal advice to try and keep this vile specimen away from you and your child, and run like the wind from him.

RedHeels Thu 09-Dec-10 09:43:37

If he's still (hopefully not for long) your partner, then how come he assumes you will be going through the CSA for the maintenance? Why not a private agreement? Obviously the way he is the CSA is the way to go, but I don't get why that was the assumption from the go taking that you two are still a couple?

matildarosepink Thu 09-Dec-10 09:58:10

So much good advice on here. It can be v scary to think of going it alone when pg, but really, you know this man isn't any good for you. You can't take the bits of him you like, and shut out the bits you don't. In an adult relationship, it's all or nothing. All people in relationships see things about their partner that are irritating (human nature), but if the other person is dangerous and/or deluded, then you must think again - as much for the children as yourself.

I like the advice that says, 'change the locks'. Very good first step. Get his stuff out of your house. Don't go round there. Give his key back (I suggest posting it). Take some steps to create separation, even if it's hard. I'm quite sure you'll feel a lot less vulnerable when you've done that. You may want to consider moving later on if you want a fresh start.. and get someone with objective input(eg Citizens Advice, etc) to help you create a budget to take the heat out of the money argument. If you have the DCs the majority of the time, then it's you who makes the financial decisions on providing for their future, as well as most other things. He can make his own arrangements, just like any other relative. The CSA can be helpful, even just for providing guidelines..

You do not need to justify yourself to him. It's exhausting, and doesn't signify that there is true partnership going on at all.

Try, try, try to stand back and see that he doesn't do anything to make you feel protected or loved. Being subject to constant, aggressive and/or critical review (esp while pregnant AND parenting) is extremely undermining, and it sounds like you've tried to discuss things with him til you're blue in the face. That's enough, really - you aren't responsible for him, you've got enough on your plate. Find supportive love where it's available, and practical help with the rest to remind you that YANBU.

Good luck!!! You can do it..

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