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AIBU to feel upset at this?

(29 Posts)
ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 14:29:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkieminx Tue 07-Dec-10 14:40:38

YANBU - everyone deserves to be shown how much they're loved. It's not the gift or the amount it costs, it's the thought that goes into it. Especially if DH has time & money to go out on the piss. I would be doubley hurt by the 'waste of money' comment. It is not a waste to say 'thanks for being a great support to me' via a xmas present- he's missing the point and being selfish.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Tue 07-Dec-10 14:44:45

He is using have little money as an excuse to be thoughtless. Instead set a twenty quid limit each but must be a few fun gifts. That will force him to go to a few shops and be thoughtful.

My first dh and I did this fifteen years ago, our budget back then was ten quid, I had six presents and one was a pair of slippers!

knitpicker Tue 07-Dec-10 14:46:01

I think most men genuinely find shopping very stressful and will find any excuse not to do it. I can't believe you equate him not buying you a present with him neglecting you.

Pinkieminx Tue 07-Dec-10 14:47:48

Just put this to DH who said 'he should get her a present - it's not nice'

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 14:49:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 14:53:17

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Pinkieminx Tue 07-Dec-10 14:53:21

It's all a bit me, me, me for him isn't it. I know stress is a killer - literally, but he should see that he needs to take the time to appreciate what he's got too. Divorce is very stressful too grin

gingernutlover Tue 07-Dec-10 14:54:09

YANBU, he is being lazy and taking you for granted

It is not the amount of money, it is the thought, that someone spends time going to a shop and thinking about what someone else mgiht like - or even writing them a letter, making a card, baking a cake - thought and time, not necessarily money.

defineme Tue 07-Dec-10 14:55:46

He doesn't care about presents. He doesn't see this as the way he shows you he loves you. He probably sees earning money or sex or whatever as how he expresses his love for you.

Why don't you compromise and arrange a special night out for after Christmas that will be your present for each other?

I know a few people for whom this is a big issue. It can eat away at you.

You need a compromise.

I have an Amazon wish list-means I get what I like, a lot of the stuff is £5 sdo no need to overspend and dh doesn't jhave to panic buy some stuff I won't use.

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 14:59:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglesrock Tue 07-Dec-10 15:02:41

YABNU - you're his wife ffs. We have very little money, but I'd be raging if Mr Wiggles didn't get me a Christmas present, we have been together for almost 20 years and never had much money but I always get a Christmas present, one he has picked and yes sometimes it has been books or a silly box he thought I might like to keep something in.

By the way this notion men find it stressful to shop etc, its nonsense mine loves to shop on i-tunes so he can feckin' well get off his arse and go to Next!! Rant on your behalf over grin

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 15:03:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkieminx Tue 07-Dec-10 15:04:35

Read that back to yourself - it made me feel really sad for you. Sorry to say that - hope it doesn't sound patronising. He is making choices and you have to lump it and expect nothing in return (except financial support - which is great but again his choice to be the 'breadwinner' and to do it in such a stressful way) What if you 'decided' to work long hours in a stess filled job which meant you had no time for him - I'm sure he'd have much to say.

Def say to him that all you want is his time and thought - that suggestion of a joint night out is a good one.

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 15:08:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuntyPenfold Tue 07-Dec-10 15:10:21

£100 on a curry, drinks and a taxi!!!!!!

Not my idea of hard up.

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 15:14:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Tue 07-Dec-10 15:23:46

TBH, husband & I haven´t really bought each other presents since we had the children.

We really don´t know what to get each other & I´d rather have a lovely card/day out breakfast in bed that a present bought for the sake of it-especially if that person couldn´t be bothered.

And Iguess that´s the problem-if my husband thought that it was important to me then he would bother.

"And I do think that he uses sex to show me he cares." sorry but can´t help thinkinghmm

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 16:03:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkieminx Tue 07-Dec-10 16:15:32

Sorry but this would make me feel worthless - can't ever be arsed to do anything just for you or even spend one day together - pants shock

Spidermama Tue 07-Dec-10 16:16:38

DH and I only get token presents for each other if any. I think it's a bit of a waste of time and money so I can understand where he's coming from.

I think that it's not so much the present neglect which is bothering you but rather everything else and the present issue has pushed you over the edge.

You say "Even though I feel lonely and neglected by him, I rarely complain, and just accept that this is how it has to be in order for us to get through this recession".

I think perhaps you SHOULD complain. It seems ou're bottling up quite a bit of upset and you need to have a proper long chat with him about this preferably before Christmas.

Also I would ask him to pick ONE Christmas party to go to because it sounds excessive.

notmyproblem Tue 07-Dec-10 16:17:34

First thing you need to do is recognise that your problem isn't with a Christmas gift but with your relationship in general. Put aside your gift woes and look deeper at your relationship and what has changed and how you want it to change back to what it used to be (presuming it used to be better).

With this in mind, you need to find a way to communicate with each other without all the passive-aggressiveness (you) and dismissive powertripping (him). Be clear with each other about what you need and how you are curently not getting that. Explain to him that it's not that you don't appreciate him, but that you feel your priorities as a family need to shift slightly.

Find out what he feels needs to change, too. Be ready to compromise, as there may be things that bother him that you've never even considered. But don't regress into "you never do this" "I always do that" "why can't you ever" type talk or you'll get nowhere.

I know it's hard but it needs to be done. Pining about gifts, sighing about a day out that you want that you insist you'll never get, stoically pretending things are good the other 364 days of the year then breaking into tears over Christmas isn't going to solve your problem. It's just leading the two of further apart down the road of resentment.

diddl Tue 07-Dec-10 16:18:58

Well tbh I do have to drop a pretty heavy hint about "It´s my birthday soon & such & such would be nice"

Fortunately, mobile isn´t a problem.

NestaFiesta Tue 07-Dec-10 16:28:11

YANBU. You obviously support him through thick and thin and he needs to show you that he doesn't take that for granted. It does sound like you are in the background to him. He'd be really stuck if you weren't by the sound of it!

He should be taking you out for drinks, not pissing the family cash against the wall. Point out to him that some thought from him at Christmas makes it so special and tell him how much it matters to you if you haven't already. Don't let him take you for granted- it sounds like you make a huge contribution.

ignooored Tue 07-Dec-10 16:33:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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