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to still be upset about my parents' divorce after 25 years

(7 Posts)
cai7weekstogo Sat 04-Dec-10 21:43:50

I'm 33 weeks pg with first LO. OH and I recently went to dad's house (3 hour drive away) for what we thought was going to be a quiet weekend. Stepmum went behind my dad's back and invited no fewer than ten of her relatives for lunch (which my dad had to pay for). When everyone was there my dad was proudly saying that my baby is a little girl and he's excited to be having a granddaughter (his first grandchild). Stepmum's nephew (who is about 50 btw) said, 'ugh, girls are awful, better luck next time' then stepmum's brother and his wife joined in telling me how terrible girls are, then the nephew said 'well of course they abort them in China'. Well I knew I was going to cry so I went upstairs to have a cry by myself to not make a fuss as didn't want to create tension for my dad. OH was working in another room so didn't know all this was going on until he came down for lunch. Stepmum had a massive go at her nephew in front of everyone for upsetting me, I really didn't want her to say anything as didn't want to cause tension. She then shouted at my husband when he asked her where I was saying 'oh for gods sake she's in the bedroom'. My poor dad came up and said it's always like this, she invites people without telling him, then he has to pay for extra food and then gets sidelined by her awful family. They've been married for 25 years so it's not like it's a new thing.
I feel torn between wanting to see my dad and not wanting to see my stepmum and her horrible family. Particularly sensitive as about to have my little baby and obviously want family around me but feel I can't ask my dad to come visit because if he comes on his own she's on the phone every five minutes whingeing that he's not at home and if she does come she upsets my husband or me. Mum also lives 3 hours away and my stepdad is 80 so she doesn't like to leave him. Husband works away a lot and my good friends live a long way away. Can't believe I'm 33 years old still this upset about my parents' divorce Very lonely and sad...

Lonnie Sat 04-Dec-10 21:52:52

Invite dad and step mum to yours?

YANBU no but sometimes we do stuff for our loved ones we wouldnt usually do for others..

cai7weekstogo Sat 04-Dec-10 21:56:22

Thanks Lonnie, you're right, it is better when she's on my territory but we are very limited on space and will be even more so with a little one... guess I just have to resign myself to not seeing much of either of my parents anymore...

EminentlyImminent Sat 04-Dec-10 21:57:45

What a repulsive man! Stepmum's nephew that is - and downright rude. I know you said your SM phones your dad all the time but I think you have to put your foot down and when you invite your dad to see your DD when she's born ask him to turn his phone off and just enjoy his time with you and his new GD. Perhaps you can explain that you need him to be strong for you and your GD at this time when you are feeling particularly vulnerable and in need of his love and support? It sounds like your Dad knows how awful her family are and you really don't have to see them or her with your DD until you are ready.

Can your mum get a friend to come over to be with your SD? Is he infirm or vulnerable in any way that he needs constant supervision/company.

I know it's hard but I think you need to ask your parents to step up - yes, they should be doing it without asking, but they may also feel they don't want to interfere and unless you ask they won't know how much you need them right now.

And don't be lonely...you'll have lots of new mummy friends soon. Have you done antenatal classes in your area? Looked at MN Local meet ups, or [shhhhh] the netmums local meet ups pages. Have you checked out any baby groups you might like to attend? Is there a local gym with a creche you can join?

I remember feeling very low at 33 weeks (and was pregnant with my DS this time last year so due around a similar time to you) but this will change and your new DD arriving will be just so awesome. But ask for your parents' support now and be specific in what you want them to do - tell them it makes you sad that they divorced and although that's all in the past it is brought back to you by the fact that you feel that their partners are of more priority than you, and that just for the moment, over the next few months, you would like them to make you and GD a priority so they might have to make some practical arrangements to allow them to be around and visiting much more than usual. Do you think you can ask that? Lots of hugs

AgentZigzag Sat 04-Dec-10 21:57:48

Blimey, that sounds like a visit and a half!

What horrible things to say, but at least your stepmum had a go at her nephew and noticed you were upset.

As you well know (smile) you can't choose your family, so she can't choose hers either.

You sound like you'd like a 'happy' family where it's warm and secure, and most importantly, not stressful.

You'll have to get in the queue and wait your turn I'm afraid grin

seanbonbon Sat 04-Dec-10 22:05:35

Hi, sorry youre going through this atwhat should be such a happy time. My parents separated when i was ten and i found my first pregnancy a very stange time re my parents split as it really makes you focus on your family iyswim?

However- I dont think that youre upset about your parents divorce as much as your stepmum being a total cow!

cai7weekstogo Sat 04-Dec-10 22:19:46

Seanbonbon yes being pg really does make you focus on your family doesn't it!

Agentzigzag you're right on the plus side she did notice I was upset but I really think she had a go at him in front of everyone else to make herself the centre of attention - I suppose you'd have to meet her to get the full picture! Her heart's in the right place most of the time but her brain unfortunately does not contain a filter so she doesn't think before she opens her mouth.

Eminently imminent - thanks for your lovely post, yes I've joined local NCT and preg yoga and made some new friends but feel a bit awkward about reaching out, hopefully this will get better once I've had my baby. Don't want people to get sick of my wwhingeing! I've had my mum on the phone complaining that she doesn't know how to use my oven (stepdad does all cooking for her) and can I cook some food ready for when I come out of hospital - well I think that's hardly going to be top of my priority list as I'm giving birth!! Stepdad is usually fine but actually fell over on the ice today, he's fine but I know mum worries about him. I think she must feel torn between us but I'm sick of feeling like I'm the one who runs around after my parents all the time when I really need their support at the mo.

Rereading my initial post I cannot actually believe that day happened it sounds like a soap opera.

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