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What a horrible person I am!

(30 Posts)
DrSeuss Sat 04-Dec-10 19:15:47

Just had number 3 million in a long standing run of arguments with tosser I am unaccountably married to. Yet again I was found guilty before I had done or said anything.
For the record, I have long standing issues with his parents. I have been welcoming and friendly to them since long before we were married. They, particularly my FIL, take great delight in seeing if they can get a rise from me. That is not just my opinion, that is the tosser's opinion. He thinks I should just ignore FIL or he'll do it all the more. I will not be ignoring the use of the words "nigger" and "paki" in my home anytime before Hell freezes over! Not once in nearly twenty years has he stood up for me or told his father to get lost.
MIL manages to combine hysteria(this was the woman who genuinely believed that I was about to feed prunes to a constipated three week old baby!) with an inablity to let her 42 year old baby go. (During the same visit as the prunes incident, she told me husband seemed very stressed and I must talk to the MW about this! I pointed out that maybe I felt a little stressed having just given birth but she couldn't really see my point)
Anyway, enough venting! DC was meant to take dance exams tomorrow but it has been cancelled due to the weather. Having talked to the dance teacher, I was given the option of 19/12 or April. I chose April as DC and Tosser are visiting parents that weekend and it's a five hour drive away. On walking back into the kitchen, I was greeted with, "So, I suppose you chose the 19th just so we can't visit my family?" Where did that come from?
Tosser ALWAYS assumes that I will choose the worst possible thing to do or have the nastiest possible motives and I have no idea why. I really, truly am not that person. I honestly am not. Ask my friends, ask my colleagues and they will say that isn't me. So why does the person who is supposed to love me most always think the worst of me? It is so hurtful and he just doesn't see it. Am I being unreasonable? Be honest, I can take it!

peeringintothevoid Sat 04-Dec-10 19:29:14

Um, it sounds like you and DH have got into a horrible rut where the trust has gone, and neither of you feel that the other will put you first. I'm sorry it's so crap. sad

Do you think counselling might help?

Your FIL sounds like an offensive twat, but I can understand that your DH thinks the best bet may be to ignore it - he presumbly still loves his dad despite the fact that he's a racist, offensive twat, and wishes there was a way for everyone to get along. I'm really fond of my MIL, but there are many many of her views that I really don't agree with. Someone earlier today used the inspired phrase DM quotamatic grin - that's my MIL. The amount of venom directed at immigrants is only made hilarious by the fact that she is one!

I guess my point is that you know you're right about his family, he knows you're right about his family. But is there any way you can find to do the minimum to keep everyone happy? On the other hand, we once went out for an extended family meal and (thankfully very distant) GUncle said he thought the Nazis had had the right idea with gas ovens. shock shock If you're talking that level of offensiveness, then no; I wouldn't have him in my house either!

peeringintothevoid Sat 04-Dec-10 19:30:17

YANBU, btw, I'm just wishing you and DH could repair the damage and feel a bit more nurtured by each other.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit Sat 04-Dec-10 19:32:54

Jesus christ, are you sharing a man with me?

'H' does this, jumps down my throat, then when I am explaining what is actually happening, he starts to interrupt, talk over the top of me an level more accusations.

It's not you, it IS him.

He is looking at everything with a black cloud. My 'H' does this, or rather did, I think I threw him out today.

Sorry to say, but I fail to see that he has any respect for you. He sounds contemptuous even.

YANBU, I don't know what to suggest though.

DrSeuss Sun 05-Dec-10 13:50:06

No, Peering, counselling will not help. Tosser growing a backbone would help, Tosser stopping taking me for granted would help. Running the bugger over would help.
His father has been emotionally abusive to his mother for nearly fifty years. She has coped by refusing to ever put up a fight and going to enormous lengths to ensure that he is never inconvenienced. Tosser has learned to never confront, never raise objections to father's behaviour for fear of what might follow. He seems to expect me to do the same, both with regard to FIL and to himself. Not happening. I am not going to be walked on then told to shut up about it.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 05-Dec-10 14:00:20

XH used to do that, and I wasn't that kind of person either. Note the X. He also said the same thing as peering's great-uncle, but probably only to wind me up... I hope.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 05-Dec-10 14:02:44

ps *DrSeuss, divorce also works, but a frying pan to the back of the head is cheaper and re-usable and makes a satisfying "doiiinggg!"

DrSeuss Sun 05-Dec-10 14:04:49

I do have a very nice cast iron steak pan....
But where would I hide the body? No room in the freezer!

thumbplumpuddingwitch Sun 05-Dec-10 14:06:54

Sweetheart - it's called measuring you by his known standards. It's what his family would do, he still hasn't got used to the fact that you are not his blood family (although you are obviously are his family now!).

Explain to him AGAIN that you are DIFFERENT from them and him and you are NOT going to put up with the shite that he has been conditioned to expect.

werewolf Sun 05-Dec-10 14:07:35

Sorry, <scratching head here>, but I don't get why you chose April for rearranging the dance exams. Apart from anything else, surely dc are ready to take the exams now and can have moved on by April?

thumbplumpuddingwitch Sun 05-Dec-10 14:08:31

<<LMHF - did you really do it today? Good on you!>>

blackeyedsusan Sun 05-Dec-10 14:13:11

He is being unfair. It is good for your dcs to see that you don't have to put up with fils behaviour.

It is really hard when you get judged to be someone you are not/ trying not to be. (probably added that for my own benefit not yours)

I hate it when people think that Dh is wonderful and I know that he(we) both do things that other people would not be impressed with.

It helps if you have someone who knows the truth and can support you. Hope you have someone like that in rl.

cakewench Sun 05-Dec-10 14:17:43

of course YANBU. However, he's grown up to be his father, and you've been with him for 20 years (!) so you know he's not going to change. The options appear to be to either become your MIL (not going to happen of course), leave him, or just continue to put up with things the way they are.

I appreciate your need to vent about it, though. sad

LittleMissHoHoHoFit Sun 05-Dec-10 14:31:25

Weeeellll, I did chuck stuff at him and tell him to get out. I did try and pack his stuff into bin bags, but then had to go out myself.

I got back and he was gone, but his stuff is still here. His shaver is here and plugged in, so I am anticipating he will return tonight. I think he's working today to make up the time he lost on Thursday's snow day.

I feel stupidly guilty though, I behaved badly, lost my temper and DS was scared. I can't wait till this person is gone from our lives. He has no positive effect at all. HE is flying back to Egypt in early Feb. Until then I will ask that he spend as little time here as poss.

I feel I want to put in writing to him all the ways he has been verbally, emotionally over the years, as I know, from what he says that he has re-written history to airbrush it all out.

DrSeuss Sun 05-Dec-10 14:39:10

April is the next available slot for the examiner, unless we go with 19/12, which, as previously stated, I never even considered, contrary to what some might think.

RunawayChristmasTree Sun 05-Dec-10 14:56:39

Your husband is his fathers son, it will only get worse.
I think you would be better off if you were well away from them all

LittleMissHoHoHoFit Sun 05-Dec-10 15:34:09

Apologies for earlier hijack..

DrSeuss, you KNOW that you have done the right thing, in picking the date that you know does not clash.

Don't let this twonk get to you. Don't make him second guess you. You are right he is wrong.

Of course not that any of that actually does you any good or improves the situation, but at least your own sanity remains intact.

Sadly it could be that he IS turning into his father.

I think, from your tone, you must admit to yourself that it's looking pretty much like a terminally ill relationship. If he has no skill to know what a real, healthy relationship is, there is not a chance in hell he'll suddenly wake up and be a normal supportive, helpful and loving husband.

I have the book, have not read it yet, but perhaps others can help out here to say if it's relevant. Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft...

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly Sun 05-Dec-10 15:37:24

what did he say when you said actually no, I booked the date in april. ?

earwicga Sun 05-Dec-10 15:44:09

Um, I'm confused. You say in the OP you chose April because your husband is visiting his parents that weekend. What's wrong with December exams?

Lucky the abusive bigot and his wife live 5 hours away really

thumbplumpuddingwitch Sun 05-Dec-10 15:51:47

earwicga - no, she said she was choosing April because her DH is visiting his parents on the 19th Dec. So she deliberately didn't sabotage that plan but got accused of doing so anyway.

TyraG Sun 05-Dec-10 16:04:21

Personally I wouldn't put up with any SOB talking to me like that and not standing up to his mom/dad for me. He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat, but then I don't have problems with MIL, love her to death, she's fantastic!

My mother, whom I love very much, tends to be a bit overbearing in certain instances and I've had to set her right when she's said something to my DH, once when I wasn't there to defend him so he just took it and told me when he got home. I called her and told her to NEVER do that again.

earwicga Sun 05-Dec-10 16:08:14

Cheers thumb - sorry OP, having a confused day right here.

Like the first comment says, seems there is a rut thing going on here. You neither have any respect for each other. Sad.

DrSeuss Sun 05-Dec-10 18:11:41

What did he say? Nothing much.

Beamur Sun 05-Dec-10 18:20:37

You are not being unreasonable.
Having explained his misunderstanding - I would have then asked for an apology. My DP misheard me yesterday and was really rude and snappy, I calmly pointed out his mistake and asked for an apology. He did sheepishly say sorry.
It sounds like your DP has some twisted perceptions of what is ok behaviour, based on his parents, but from what you say, it is out of order how he is treating you - but he has seen his mother 'take it' for years...not sure how easy it will be to re-educate him on this if he can't see that it is wrong.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly Sun 05-Dec-10 18:24:09

No apology? nothing? come on that's not right.

Does he want you to be a doormat like his mother so he can step into the role of abusive bastard husband and replay his parents' marriage?

Cos I'd be voting with my bloody feet!

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