To think only the child who is celebrating their birthday should get presents?(21 Posts)
YANBU. Furthest I'd go is the giving out sweets thing at school, as most kids seem to do on their birthday.
And as for the rest of the issues, OMG! Why do you see them at all?
YANBU. "Not fair to give to one and not the others", WTF? It's a birthday, the others will have their turn on their own birthdays! And YADNBU if it's something you've already asked them to do and they've gone ahead anyway.
Understand your irritation with the presents for all. More than that though, this fil is a scary guy. Bloody Hell!!
What I think tey should have done maybe (as they do seem to see your Dcs very seldomly) is take a bigger present for the birthday grandchild and some chocolates/sweet/little attention for all of them so as to have a birthday present and just something nice to show the othere they were not forgotten.
If seing them regularely just a present for the birthday boy would be ok.
I have never understood this. My nan would sometimes buy for other siblings as it "wasn't fair" but for some reason, she didn't do it with others.
It is a special day for the birthday child only. Each child gets their special day throughout the year.
Your FIL sounds horrific and I would be trying to keep him away at all costs (although I understand it is difficult given that he is your DH'd dad) but for your children to be exposed to a horrible person like this who speaks the way he does isn't great. Good on you for sticking to your guns!
Does he give the presents to the other children before you have chance to react or could you take them away before the other children see them and tell FIL that he has already been asked not to buy for the others?
DOG - The presents though are probebly the least of your problems though with FIL - how do you cope with his nasty character?
MMHHH maybe YANBU at all then. I was seeing it more as an attention to show that they have not forgotten your other Dcs even if they have not seen them in ages. Now if the issue is that they think it is unfair for the other not to have a present BECAUSE it is your Ds birthday yes they are wrong.
I agree, its the one day where you are special and being celebrated. Its the day you were born and to remember you over the years.
As as you've said this can cause more problems as the other children will start to feel like they should get pressies on DB/Sis birthday - creating problems if/ when they don't.
FIL sounds lovely btw
Just trying to give an example. My family is skattered over all continents. In particular I had an uncle working on an oilrig in Libia and another was a missionary in Madagascar. They were only able to visit every other year and when they happen to be there on a birthday they would get the birthday person a bigger gift and bring all of us a little something exotic from where they were coming from. Nonwe of the family that we used to see all the timwe did it as it would not have made any sense. It is different when not seeing them for a very long time though.
But as I said your situation is different and YANBU
I agree but - my lovely mum always buys a token present for the other two dcs when the third has a birthday.
It drives me mad but I accept it as a grandparents' decision (OK to spoil dcs if you are granny!).
However, your FIL sounds appalling but tbh I think unbirthday presents are the least awful example of his dreadful behaviour.
I would gently explain to your DD1 that she will get her presents when it is her birthday when her siblings won't and when FIL turns up, take them away and tell him firmly he won't be giving them out and you will save the presents for the others birthdays. Perhaps have some chocolates/sweets on standby for other siblings, especially if they know FIL is bringing something for them.
OP your FIL sounds horrendous, your poor DP having to grow up with him. You do right to avoid him as much as possible.
YANBU wrt birthday presents. I think it's so silly that all DCs get a present when it's only one's birthday. I think it's just pandering tbh, 'ooh we can't upset darling X because little Y is getting all the presents. He might feel left out.' Just explain they each get a special day throughout the year.
It's not fair of FIL to do this against your wishes.
Well, at least if they seem to only be showing an interest suddenly now Because of the wedding thing, when they realise you are not changing your mind they might get bored and bugger off again?
I'm not sure the presents themselves are an issue (my GM used to do the same for us kids, birthday child would get a big-ish present, siblings would get smaller ones), it's more the attitude that accompanies everything FIL seems to do in your life.
I really wouldn't have him in your lives tbh, much less allow him access to your DCs. Sometimes the admirable desire to provide a large family for children is overridden by the fact that the family in question are batshit crazy and as toxic as they come.
Dear me, he sounds dreadful. All this stuff about presents for everyone on someones birthday is just plain daft.
On the other hand do you think they might be trying to make up for the lack of attention in the past, maybe trying to build bridges or something...
Your in-laws sound horrid I have to say, and based on that then anything they do against your wishes obviously has layers of deliberate arsey-ness behind it, so YANBU.
I should say though that my MIL does this - big gift for the birthday girl/boy and little ones for the siblings and I gave up protesting years ago. DCs definitely do not expect it from anyone else, they just know it's one of MILs peculiarities. Children can understand that different houses/people have different rules, so on the basis that you won't be able to get your in-laws to stop I would honestly tell you not to worry so much about it from that respect. Save your energy for the battles that are more important to win
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