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to feel overjoyed for my friend but so hurt I'm not sure if I want her in my life anymore..

(48 Posts)
Ladyanonymous Fri 03-Dec-10 18:22:48

She is one of my best friends and I have known her since I was about 2 (so over 30 yrs) we went to school together, she moved away in her teens but we always kept in touch by letter. I also moved away and when I had my first child in my early 20's we met up again with my partner and her husband.

She told me she was unable to ever have a child of her own. Something she rarely confided in anyone. A few months later I said when my family was complete I would be their host surrogate. We moved abroad and they came to visit and lived near us. I became pregant with my second child and returned to the UK - they also returned.

A year after the birth of DC2 she and I went through the process of fertitlity treatment which was unsuccessful. Two years later we tried again and I became pregannt with my own DC accidently - which was difficult for me and devastating for them. We managed to resolve this and they adore my DS3.

I got married and shortly after we tried again and became pregant. I lost the baby which was devastaing for us all. I decided I had reached the end of the road with the surrogacy and needed to focus on my own life and family.

We remained really good friends seeing each other regually and she continued to confide in me each stage of their journey throughout successful and unsuccessful attempts with several other surrogates one of whom became a really good friend to her and who I also am fond of. One new year they lost a baby and I cancelled my plans and drove straight there to be there for them - and they were there for me through various traumas including the breakdown of my marriage.

This year I have seem them 5 or 6 times for weekends (we don't live near) and asked how its all going to which she has told me various things and spoken frequently about the other surrogate who is the good friend and things they have done and shown me pictures - and I looked after their dog for a few weeks while they went away.

A few days ago I recieved a text telling me their baby had arrived safely a few days ago.

I was very shock but at the same time delighted for them after 15 yrs of trying.

I sent a short text back congratulating them.

I feel so hurt she didn't confide in me but understand after so many things going wrong they may not have told anyone and that is their business not any elses but AIBU after spending 3 years of my life trying to have their baby and being a confidant of and being a constant support and at times defending them to those who said "they should just accept its not going to happen" to have wanted to be phoned and told of this wonderful news not told in a text a few days later. When I didn't even know about the pregnancy.

I feel so shocked and hurt I cannot even bring myself to phone them which makes me feel like a complete bitch.

Sorry for long post - needed to get it out.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree Fri 03-Dec-10 18:25:23

Sorry - did you know she was even pregnant?

Ladyanonymous Fri 03-Dec-10 18:25:59

No.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Fri 03-Dec-10 18:29:37

Did they use a surrogate? So wouldn't have known it was definitely theirs til birth?

ItalianLady Fri 03-Dec-10 18:30:05

I totally get why you are upset but don't throw away a great friendship.

I texted my oldest friend when my ds was born and got a "you kept that quiet" text back but that was because I had had a miscarriage and it was awful having to tell everyone I had lost the baby so decided this time I would only tell people I saw/had regular contact with. It wasn't personal.

I get you are upset, shocked, hurt, etc but this friend has longed for a baby and now they have one and you can share in the joy. Bye a lovely card and gift and if you need/want to ask why they didn't tell you ask in a non critical way.

Ladyanonymous Fri 03-Dec-10 18:30:07

Yes - they would have known.

AuntyJ Fri 03-Dec-10 18:31:25

yabu - 15yrs of trying, I wouldnt tell a soul until the baby was safe in my arms. Your best friend of 30yrs needs your love, support and advice in what you know is an emotional rollercoaster.
yanbu in being upset, you are in shock, but please get on the phone she needs you.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree Fri 03-Dec-10 18:32:45

Gosh well I can see why you are hurt.

I don't really know what to say only that I am sure they must have had very personal reasons for keeping it so quiet.

Don't let it ruin what is clearly a very close friendship which has got over far greater hurdles in its time.

conkertree Fri 03-Dec-10 18:33:55

But auntyj the op was very heavily involved in trying to achieve her friends dream of a baby so I can totally understand why she would have thought her friend might have confided in her.

I think yanbu but if you want to have her in your life in the future, you will have to give yourself some time to get past this and then go and see her.

hamisheena Fri 03-Dec-10 18:34:55

I understand how you feel but this really isn't about you at all. x

Bluebell99 Fri 03-Dec-10 18:35:22

YABU. It is not about you. Can you not just be happy for them? I can imagine that they are pretty busy atm, and although you have been a good friend to her, that doesn't mean you own her.

Ladyanonymous Fri 03-Dec-10 18:36:10

I know it isn't about me - thats why I haven't said anything to her and posted here.

I don't want to piss all over their joy - but I can't get involved genuinely either right now today.

A phone call would have been better.

ChippingIn Fri 03-Dec-10 18:37:13

LA - I am really, really sorry for you, you must be feeling so incredibly hurt x You are amazing to have tried to carry for them - it takes an incredible friend to do that.

If I was you, I would get this thread moved out of AIBU - straight away, ask them to move it to relationships or one of the 'softer' areas - please!

It sounds like they have been through the mill trying to be parents - maybe this time they just didn't tell anyone at all, maybe they just felt it would jinx it to tell anyone and perhaphs the baby has been born sooner than expected and they are just so overwhelmed with it all they can't deal with talking to anyone yet (hence the text).

Please don't throw your relationship away without seeing them, speaking to them at the very least.

If you find out they'd told loads of people and not you - then maybe you are right to let it go.... but you need to find out more first.

activate Fri 03-Dec-10 18:37:26

you should get in your car and drive round with armfuls of celebratory presents

you should ignore your hurt (although it is understandable)

your friend probably didn't tell anyone at all - she probably couldn't stand to - she needs you now so get over your hurt

Limez Fri 03-Dec-10 18:37:46

Probably best not to phone while you're feeling the way you are.
She has far more important (and wonderful) things going on right now.
It's really not about you.

Ladyanonymous Fri 03-Dec-10 18:37:58

I put my life on hold for a long time trying to help. I don't own her no I just expected to be treated with the same amount of care and consideration I gave them.

perfumeditsawonderfullife Fri 03-Dec-10 18:38:13

I think I would feel as you do. But even so, it may be as others said, they perhaps feared tempting fate and after the birth are so wrapped up in the newness and not be ready to talk to anyone. I felt really annoyed at all the phone calles when ds was days old. I know it's lovely for people to want to congratulate you but i was so tired and stressed i would have preferred a text/card/flowers/voicemail.

Send something nice, then see how things are in a few weeks. It is a good friendship to have survived so much, maybe don't give up on it yet.

I think it was lovely what you tried to do for her.

Portofino Fri 03-Dec-10 18:40:30

Maybe she found it hard to talk about this with you, knowing how much you had gone through with her in the past.Maybe she didn't want to upset you. I would not throw the friendship away over it, though I totally understand you must feel hurt to have been shut out.

adrenalinejunkie Fri 03-Dec-10 18:40:31

I can see why you feel hurt after all you have gone through with her but I wouldn't take it personally , it's most likely she didn't dare beleive it herself until the baby was in her arms , say nothing for now she might tell you in the future why she didn't tell you or when the time is right gently ask her why she didn't

Reality Fri 03-Dec-10 18:40:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree Fri 03-Dec-10 18:43:53

LA I am going to say this as sensitively as possible as I have no idea of the circumstances so forgive me, but she got over the hurt of you falling pregnant with your own child whilst trying to fall for her. That must have been very difficult for her and tested your friendship to the absolute limit.

If she managed to move on from that I really think you need to make every effort not to ruin what has clearly been an incredible friendship.

FWIW I think it is strange that she didn't tell you about teh pregnancy. I don't think you should read anything into only receiving a text a few days after the birth. Just remember back to your DC's and how utterly wrapped up with them you are in the early days smile

I really hope you can get over this.

animula Fri 03-Dec-10 18:45:49

I think you are an amazing woman and an amazing friend.

I can see why you're hurt. I would be, too.

But I am almost as certain as it's possible to be without actually being you or our friend that she just couldn't tell you - tempting fate, landing another emotional bomb (potentially) in your lap, etc., etc.

I'll bet she kept quiet at first, and then it just became harder and harder to say anything at all. I'll bet she doesn't even know what to say now.

I also reckon that she's feeling guilt, for all sorts, now, too. and that could build up and damage your friendship, too.

Could you decide to just "sit" on your response for a bit? Go along with the presents and congratulations as if all is halcyon, and see how that goes/how you're feeling after a bit?

hairyfairylights Fri 03-Dec-10 18:47:32

You 'put your life on hold' with your own free goodwill, to help a friend. I don't think friendship is about bargaining and making deals eg: I will do abc as long as you xyz'.

Unless you have had fertility problems yourself, or suffered miscarriage or loss of that nature, you will thankfully not know how she has felt - how very, very afraid she's been all through this surrogate pregnancy... that something could go wrong at any stage.. that the surrogate could change her mind.

And since the birth, she and her partner will have been in a lovely cocoon of caring for their wonderful newborn as well as most likely experiencing a bit of stress.

It's not about you, or even how she feels about you, at least she did text you.

Don't throw away this friendship over this issue - she is going through the most wonderful, private, family time at the moment.

MangoTango Fri 03-Dec-10 18:48:39

They've been through so much trauma trying to have a baby that they probably either worried that they would jinx things by telling people, or just didn't believe after all they had been through that they were really going to get a baby. Please send your friend some flowers and congratulate her and be delighted for her. I'm sure she had good reasons for not telling people. Try to be understanding.

booyhohoho Fri 03-Dec-10 18:49:09

lady, i am so sorry you feel understandably hurt, but i have to say, i agree with others and i think this is far bigger than how you feel. this is a huge thing for them. they have wanted this for 15 years and i am sure that they didn't even feel the baby was theirs until they had it in their arms. i think you should put your hurt to the side for a moment and celebrate with your friend something that you know means the absoloute earth moon and stars for her.

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