Advanced search

to feel completely differently about my best friend after finding out...

(114 Posts)
SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 14:54:36

...that she had an affair with a married man?

<have namechanged just in case>

She never told me, even though it was with a man we both worked with, even though we've been really close and (I thought) told each other everything.

I think it's affecting me because
a) I hold strong views about people that have affairs with someone who is married.
b)she didn't tell me (maybe because of point a)

She doesn't know, but I feel like I don't know her anymore, she's not the person I thought she was, and I'm not sure if I friendship can carry on the same.

Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this?

SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 14:55:10

*our friendship

BooBooGlass Fri 03-Dec-10 14:55:51

How do you know it's true though?

SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 14:58:53

It is most definatley true... her DH confided in my DH. (The affair was before she was married, or even with her DH)

AgentZigzag Fri 03-Dec-10 14:58:56

How long ago was it?

I've done things in the past I'm ashamed of and would never consider doing now.

If she regretted it would that make a difference to you?

SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 14:59:43

My DH mentioned it in passing, because he assumed I would have known about it.

MaudOHara Fri 03-Dec-10 14:59:48

Agree with agentzigzag

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube Fri 03-Dec-10 15:01:04

Huh? I assume this was years ago!

People make mistakes - a real friend would understand this.


SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 15:01:04

I don't want to go into too much detail on here but I'm quite sure she doesn't regret it, going by the context it come up in coversation with her DH.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Fri 03-Dec-10 15:01:06

It's not unreasonable to feel differently, you can't help that - but if she is your best friend then you need to talk to her.

She may be really ashamed and desperate to tell you.

mummytoatribe Fri 03-Dec-10 15:02:00

I think you AB a bit U

THis was obviously a long time ago and people change. She wouldnt be the first to get sucked in the by the old "My marriage has been over for years, we are only together for the kids, we dont have sex, she is mad so I cant leave the kids with her etc etc".

Let it go, she isnt that person anymore.

SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 15:02:03

About 4 years ago. We were as close as we are now then.

cumbria81 Fri 03-Dec-10 15:02:44

I think yuo're being extremely judgemental. I doubt your friend is proud of what she did, but she is human and everyone makes mistakes.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Fri 03-Dec-10 15:02:59

No, there is no way you are quite sure even if she said to her dh that the most amazing acrobatic sex she ever had was with that guy. That could still be true and she could feel like shit about it. Just an example.

Besides until you talk to her it's like Chinese whispers - people never pass on the exact context

LadyLapsang Fri 03-Dec-10 15:03:10

Well if you feel this is a dealbreaker, you'd better tell her. Maybe she'll think having a DH that breaks her confidence isn't the greatest thing either (especially when it was before they were even in a relationship).

SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 15:04:12

I couldn't ever bring it up without her knowing how I found out, which Would Not Be Good.

From what DH said, it is something that she would do again and doesn't regret it.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-Dec-10 15:04:43

You can regret something but not regret it at the same time.

People are full of contradictions, which is pretty normal in my experience.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Fri 03-Dec-10 15:06:25

Well it has already come between you then - cos you won't even be able to have a normal conversation about affairs and the issues around that without you feeling uncomfortable - and her knowing she's not telling you something.

Maybe you're not as close as you think sad - maybe that's whats bothering you

LadyLapsang Fri 03-Dec-10 15:07:09

Hmm, what's her DH's motivation for saying this about his wife?

SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 15:08:19

LadyLapsang, out DH's are friends and talk to each other alot. DH mentioned it in conversation with me because he just assumed I would know, he was horrified when he realised I didn't.

Ok...the context is this: Her and her DH were on the rocks and she'd moved out. They had talks and she confessed she'd been in touch with this guy and was close meeting (starting the affair again basically)

Obviously I spent alot of time with her during this period (they are back together now) but she never once mentioned this.

SantaFlaus Fri 03-Dec-10 15:09:20

That's what I thought Laurie sad perhaps she doesn't view our relationship in the same way I do.

electra Fri 03-Dec-10 15:09:53

yabu - it's in the past.

Thingumy Fri 03-Dec-10 15:10:33

she's human and humans tend to make mistakes.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-Dec-10 15:10:38

She was right not to mention it to you though wasn't she OP?

MrManager Fri 03-Dec-10 15:11:20

She hasn't changed at all; she is the same person that she was then and now. You have changed.

It just proves that having dogmatic rules about what people should/n't do is unworkable.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: