to over-think DH going up for interview just before I give birth?(30 Posts)
I really want to know - AIBU? (Or is DH?) Because I can't really get a sense of proportion on this. I am 36+4 wks pregnant and DH has an important job interview in Scotland on the 15th and 16th Dec. I am due 26th Dec (!) and since the baby is resolutely still breech, there is a good chance we will have to opt for a planned c-section. (Have an ECV appt next tuesday and am really hoping it will work.)
So when this interview takes place, I will be between 38 and 39 weeks. That's the optimum time for a planned section. In fact, we did think that if we had to have one, we might as well make it work for us and try for the 15th, 16th or 17th, which fits in well with DH's end of term and therefore maximises the time he can work from home (he's a lecturer). I mean, if you're going to be all godlike and plan the date of your child's birth (which I am not keen on) you may as well do it so it works for you, right?
Anyway, now we have this interview to contend with. (Which I am already very ambivalent about because we literally just moved house a month ago and I do NOT want to face moving again, so soon, with a toddler and new baby, to the other end of the UK.) I am not at all comfortable with having a section the day after DH is due back from two nights away, for emotional, as well as practical reasons (what if he's delayed or snowed up there?). If we leave it until the start of the next week, we risk buggering up Christmas too (not that this is a major priority and I'd try to be grown-up about it, but DS would definitely be upset if I and the new baby were still in hospital). Would also bugger up Christmas for whichever family members were helping with DS.
The interview means a lot to DH and it was a good ego-boost just to be shortlisted. He is having a miserable time at his current place of work and is trying either to get a better work deal there if he gets a job offer elsewhere, or to accept a job offer elsewhere. Nowhere is hiring at the moment, so it makes this even more of a chance to be grabbed. I'm just terrified I'll go into labour while he's not there (whether or not the baby turns round!), or that we're not going to be able to opt for a c-section when recommended. I know women in labour tend to hang on until everything is fine and safe, but not sure I could hang on that long!
Plus, though I know this is important to DH, I'm finding it very hard not to resent him for throwing this spanner in the works. I mean, he'd support me if I were in that position. So I'm really trying hard to support him, but all I can think is that I want to nest and prepare for our baby, however he comes to us, not fret about DH being stuck in Scotland or have to angst about what to do if he does get the job. (I know, he probably won't. There is quite a long shortlist, apparently.)
Sorry, I've sort of posted about this before, a different aspect. I'm finding it all v hard to get my head around.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
He's already tried. The interviews have to be on those days - they have a panel assembled full of Important People (hmmph) who can only be there at those times. He's already told them I might need a secion on one of those days, but basically, it's an employer's market - they will just shrug and say 'ok then, plenty of other people to interview'.
He's looking into teleconferencing at the moment, but understandably, his current institution might not be keen to host him doing an interview for somewhere else! And it'd put him at a real disadvantage compared with the others, and given he's doing this in order to get something out of it, it seems a bit daft to get this far and then not give it his best. sigh
Sorry I think you are being unreasonable.
He's miserable, and rather than just festering, he is doing something proactive to improve his quality of life, which will no doubt have a positive impact on the family in the long run.
My experience of babies are that they have this way of coming at the most inconvenient times, be this early, on time or late. Or is this in actual fact that so many people have such busy lives, that no time is 100% convenient?
If you weren't having elective it would not be in the realms of possibility that the baby could easily come any time between 36 weeks and 42 weeks, and the medical world would not see this as particularly early or particularly late. Do you think that life should be on hold for 6 weeks?
You mention that you have family on hand to help with the toddler, how about looking at having the baby on the 10/11 December, and then he has a week at home with new born, then goes away for a couple of days, family could help with toddler in those couple of days. Then you have the long christmas break to enjoy the new addition, and hopefully, he can relax in the knowledge that he has a fantastic new job offer.
Well, neither of you are being unreasonable, it's just all bad timing really.
Can you plan your section for Monday 20th?
You could be out of hosp on 22nd/3rd (hopefully)
Be supportive of your husband.
Call on another close family member to be your stand-in person.
Does he appreciate your concerns? Would not letting him go to Scotland cause resentment?
I know you want him nearby, but sometimes you just have to fly by the seat of your pants
I do agree that you need to think about the long term here in regards to his job. Although being pregnant myself I do understand that the ability to be as rational and sensible as you would be normally isn't always easy.
Agree that planning the section for the 20th would probably be the better option. If you're still in hospital at christmas you can have it a day or two later but the job opportunity won't wait. Also with your due date it was highly likely that christmas was going to be disrupted in someway.
No, I don't think life should be on total hold for 6 weeks, but the baby is far more likely to come 10 days before due date than at 36 weeks! I'm feeling impossibly hormonal about it all, and trying hard to be adult and see the larger picture, but after the house move and everything, it just feels like the last straw.
Of course, if the baby weren't breech, it could still come at any time, so I'd have to accept that too. Am not prepared to have an elective section as early as 10th Dec though - hate the idea of yanking him out before he's ready (after all, there's no medical reason to get him out before he's cooked) and that's why we'd already thought those dates were best, or the week after.
Thanks, FurryOne - I do keep on forgetting that Christmas may well be a non-event or delayed anyway, with the EDD of 26th Dec! I just need to accept this, but - argh!!! I'm not really angry at DH - I know I said I resented it but it's not him really, it's just The Universe. /throws dummy out of pram.
Assuming he can just fly up and fly back on the same day, this may just be a vague (acute?) worry rather than something will actually happen. On balance, the chances are that he will flit up and flit back and you will still be pregnant., To be on the safe side, best arrange for someone else to be with you when he's away just in case. He has to go really, you know that? Unless you're actually giving birth when he should be on the plane.
He can't though, duchesse. They have job talks on the first day and the interviews on the second day, and because of train and available flight timings, he's probably going to have to go up on the 14th, do his talk and interview on the next two days and then come back late into the evening.
I know, I know, he does have to go. I did point out that if he went when I was actually in labour, he could go as long as he didn't mind leaving his balls behind! But obviously if I were actually having the baby, he wouldn't go.
Have to say though that my DH was due to give a talk at a conference in flipping Vancouver 2 weeks after DD2 was due (conference booked before we knew about the baby). She held on and held and held on. On the Sunday he was due to leave, DH got up and cancelled his flight. She was born that evening, the day before I was due to in to be induced.
Also I have known of people's babies flipping from breech even at this late stage, if that's in any way reassuring.
Wow. Good for your DH. Mine would blow a conference out if it clashed with a EDD (in fact, he did have to, for DS's birth, which was a shame). But interviews are different.
Ah, he was giving the keynote speech, so kind of felt a little pressure to be there...
38 weeks my friend's baby flipped.
My sister's 9 lber flipped to breech during the sodding labour.
It's surprising how much leeway they have even very late. As long as his bottom's not engaged there's hope. And even if his bottom does engage there's still things you can do. Have you investigated optimal foetal positioning and how to help a breech flip?
Try reflexology for your breech baby.
And don't worry. My husband got offered a job when he was in the car park after I'd just delivered DD2. Good job that hadn't phoned a little while earlier... It was a double-celebration.
Oh, and he missed DD1 completely. Was on the motorway at the time.
But she's his favourite now!!
Support DH. It's not even a problem yet - baby may turn, you may go into labour on the 12th, the planned section may be dated 18th -can you get your mum close by for a bit of support on those days. If you say no now and it all works out right date wise then DH will feel very hard done by.
If it's any consolation had a failed ecv with dd, planned section arranged - had check up Friday - dd turned over the weekend - didn't go through with section and she was born at 41.5 weeks!!
Eek! Fair enough. (your DH obv more Important than my DH! )
Glad to hear positive stories about breeches flipping late. Mine has been bum-down for at least a couple of months now, I think. Pretty sure his bottom isn't engaged yet. I've been doing breech flip poses but find them very uncomfortable to the point of feeling sick, can't do them for more than a couple of mins. Crawling about a bit, and doing moxa on toes. ECV on tues. That's about it!
Nonomum, a friend has tried a bit of reflexology while doing moxa, and is doing a full relaxation massage next week, before ECV, which might happen.
onceamai thanks for that! Good to know that babies can flip even after an ECV has failed! Not sure they'd want to schedule an elective section on the 18th, as it's the weekend and presumably they like to keep whatever bods are on duty for the emergency ones. But if they could, I'd do it.
YANBU - to what to have a whinge about it
What will you do if he does get the job? Will you go ahead with the move or tell him 'Over my dead body are we moving again!!'
I think if there's not a cat in hell chance of you moving again, then you should tell him that now and he might as well drop the interview.
If you think it will be good for your family (esp DH) and would move (even grudgingly!) then you should just wish him luck and tell him what will be will be and not to worry about it.
It's not the end of the world if he's not there - you will cope and he will have the rest of the baby's life to make it up to him/her
Just book the date that is best for the baby and let life take its course!
PS reshape - your DH might cope well with birth - mine was useless - not a criticism and still love him to bits after 20 years - but he might not actually be much help. Also, I kind of found it a bit difficult with him there at some points - had to chuck him out when they wanted to examine me.
I recommended around the 10th only because I found myself in your position - but was more concerned of having a speedy birth, and just felt it was going to be early.
DC was due New Year's Eve, I was sure he was going to come Christmas day. My other child was away at boarding school, with concerts and plays that I wanted to visit.
3/12 baby sat on my blood supply and I had a stroke.
10/12 I went into labour, full on contractions 8cm dilated.....................
finally gave birth naturally on 17/12!!!!!!!!! [knackered]
Time frame works out at same time as yours, and I know from medical POV, they were not in the least bit concerned (even when I went in on the 10th. 3 hours after he was born we were home.
"your DH obv more Important than my DH!"
Only in a very very tiny field, Reshape... Also he was standing for his boss who couldn't be arsed had another commitment, so was uncharacteristically keen to make a mark. Anyway, his speech was read out by someone else and they all congratulated him on the birth of DD2, and he's had the chance to go back to Vancouver since then, so all's well.
Bloody hell quality, that sounds like more than a marathon. Why did they not do a CS if you were 8cm for a week??
It sounds as though you could book the section for the 17th and DH will be able to do teh interview, then be there for the birth and also fit in with the optimum timing for him to be off work with you and for xmas etc.
All you need to get your head around is the 'dont want to have it the day after he gets back for emotional reasons' and see if you can start to feel happier about it.
Its the only real solution apart from him not going and that would be a much bigger thing to ask of him than for you to back down I think.
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