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AIBU to be really dreading sisters wedding?

(38 Posts)
saffy85 Thu 02-Dec-10 15:32:53

My sister is getting married next year. We're all very happy for her etc etc but one small problem: she's quickly turning into the bride from hell. I'm meant to be bridesmaid along with our younger sister who will be 15 by then. I really dont mind doing this. I'm not terribly excited but weddings as a whole dont excite me. They just don't.

She's been engaged and planning this wedding for about month or so and so far has told me that the bridesmaids will be wearing a hideous colour dress that will suit neither of us (we have similar hair and skin colour). I can deal with this except I'd have given birth a few weeks before to DC2 so if past experience is anything to go by my tits will be huge, as will my bingo wings and my cankles. I will not be able to pull off a shocking pink prom dress. Little sister is not thrilled (she says she'd prefer black- I'm with her).

Bride has perfect solution to my weight issue: I should breastfeed! Not for baby's benefit, just to fit into the dress ok. Thing is I've already told bride why I'm not planning to BF. (PND last time, had to go on medication 3 weeks after the birth that I was told not to BF while taking). She knows this but thinks I could "hang in there, coz you know you will lose all your weight you know." Mind you she's also telling our mum she needs to lose weight before the wedding too. Mum is no Cheryl Cole but surely she should lose weight for her own health, not for a fucking wedding?

The wedding is about 500 miles away and me, DP, DD and newborn will have to find money for petrol, accomodation etc the same month we will be moving house. (We have to move that month as that is when tenency is up). DP says we might not have enough money to go at all. I've told him if it comes to that, he can tell my sister that, I'm too bloody terrified!

Basically, AIBU to really hope that Sister and BIL either change the location to somewhere more local (practically all the families on both sides live local to where I am, the bride and groom moved away 2 years ago). Or failing that, Dsis finally decides to not marry her chump of a DP at all? I know that's mean btw.

Also as a side note, is it really tradition for mother of the bride to coordinate with the bridesmaids? hmm

God that's long but I feel loads better! If you made it through, hope I made some sense!

ItalianLady Thu 02-Dec-10 15:36:04

You say you are happy for her but then hope she doesn't marry "her chump of a DP."confused

You need to tell her now if there is a good chance you won't be able to afford to go and also if you are not willing to wear that colour and style of dress.

Shocking pink is very unforgiving.

thefurryone Thu 02-Dec-10 15:37:19

Sounds like she's being a bit of a nightmare and YANBU to think that she is being totally inconsiderate about others involved.

Although it has only been a month, hopefully she'll calm down a bit, do you think your Mum could have a word, or perhaps her husband to be if you know him well enough to bring it up.

Filibear Thu 02-Dec-10 15:39:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

lowercase Thu 02-Dec-10 15:40:33

I agree with italian.

Dont go then!

thesecondcoming Thu 02-Dec-10 15:43:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffy85 Thu 02-Dec-10 15:43:22

I am happy for them I really am... except the week before they got engaged (for the third time- he pawned the other 2 rings) they had a rather nasty fight. Don't know what about but she slapped him round the chops. It's kind of hard to be enthusiastic when someone tells you they're getting married to the bloke they told you hated the sight of literally 5 days before. Ok I'm trying to be happy for them.

I have told her I don't like the style of dress. Or the colour. several times. She didn't seem to hear me. hmm I imagine little sister has mentioned it too.

My mum says she's worried she wont be able to afford it either. Oh fuck. My sister has the worst family in the world! Think I'll wait til after christmas. Spending christmas day with them and my mum. Dinner could result in an Eastenders style christmas if I tell I can't come to her wedding now.

dinosaurkisses Thu 02-Dec-10 15:43:53

If there's a chance you won't be able to afford it, please tell her soon. She'll be angry now, but can you imagine the wrath if you tell her the month before?

kitbit Thu 02-Dec-10 15:44:25

It is perfectly OK to say no, you know.
If there are tantrums and hysterics just smile and tell her as she wants it so differently from how you are ABLE to do it, it might be easier to not include you as part of the main plans.

A wise person once said to me that "no I can't" is open to negotiation whereas "no I don't want to" is fairly final and arguing with it makes you seem infantile and petty. I have used "no I don't want to" since then several times and it works brilliantly

MistressMaker Thu 02-Dec-10 15:46:12

Oh FGS, please don't do an AIBU by stealth.

If this is a thread all about how much you hate her DP then spit it out but don't confuse the issue.

It's pretty standard to wear what you're given as a bridesmaid so just get on with it.

Pheebe Thu 02-Dec-10 15:46:37

Your poor sister, she's only been planning the best fay of her life for a few weeks and she's already getting grief! sad Is she supposed to plan her day around everyone else's needs? Sorry that sounds harsh but your attitude is going to spoil her day and could create issues for years to come.

Can you not sit down with her with some positive alternative suggestions? Alternative dress styles that you'd be more comfortable in, use pink as an accent colour rather than the main colour, don't take kids and don't stay overnight but arrange to be there for the day for her.

Failing that you should stay away but be prepared for a family rift that will last years

ItalianLady Thu 02-Dec-10 15:46:57

You could say how flattered you are that she has asked you to be a bridesmaid but you can't accept.

Longtalljosie Thu 02-Dec-10 15:49:38

What exactly won't you be able to afford? You won't need to buy a new frock as you'll be decked out in a pink horror. The hotel? Travelodges are £60 for a family room. Save a tenner a month for six months. The gift? You'll be buying that whether you go or not.

saffy85 Thu 02-Dec-10 15:51:23

I don't expect her too relocate her whole wedding dont be daft... just wish she would grin I dont want to pick the colour scheme either but if I have to wear a hideous polyester dress on the day I would like it not be strapless and make my hips look huge. I dont think I'm asking much.

I am hoping she calms down a bit but as she's always been a drama queen I doubt that'll happen. Just being highly strung I guess. The money issue wouldnt even be an issue had DP not just had a motorbike accident that a, nearly killed him and could financially cripple us. That pregnancy makes me anxious in general.

minipie Thu 02-Dec-10 15:51:53

Several different issues here.

Bridesmaid dresses: if she's paying, you wear what she wants. If you're paying or contributing, you get to have a say.

Mum coordinating with bridesmaids: not tradition AFAIK, but if it's what she wants and mum is happy, why not.

Your weight, your mum's weight: none of her business whatsoever.

The distance and cost: it's a pain but it's her choice. Make a decision NOW as to whether you can afford it/be arsed or not and tell her. Not fair to pull out at the last minute.

You not liking her DP: biscuit

SirBoobAlot Thu 02-Dec-10 15:53:04

I'd be honest with her because she sounds like a nightmare she deserves the prior warning. She's behaved shockingly thus far - hopefully she'll calm down soon and realise what a PITA she's being.

Does she know money is an issue not only for you but for you mother?

Pink and prom-style is cruel, plain and simple. And what do you mean by co-ordinate with the bridesmaids? Has she asked your mother to wear the same colour?! I don't think its traditional, from all the weddings I've been at.

And having just done a 250 mile trip with a one year old, there is not a snowballs chance in hell I would be doing double that with a newborn.

You are totally not being unreasonable.

(Though as an aside, just so you know there are ADs you can BF on. Obviously if BFing isn't for you then fine, just wanted to make you aware of that, some doctors are woefully misinformed )

MistressMaker Thu 02-Dec-10 15:53:08

If she isn't providing them then you and sis get a couple of cover ups to wear to hide you arms, shoulders, boobs or whatever it is that makes you self conscious about it being strapless.

If it makes your hips look huge, they probably look huge in anything? And frankly, who really cares if your hips look big, there are worse things in life aren't there?

saffy85 Thu 02-Dec-10 15:57:24

I dont hate my BIL he isnt really awful tbh they are as bad as eachother. And she's hit him aleast that one time, he hasn't ever laid a finger on her.

Diesel. DP reckons it'll cost a fortune. I assume he knows what he's on about as he drives for a living. I've checked already for BandBs where they live. None of them seem that cheap. The cheaper ones have all said no children.

mummytoatribe Thu 02-Dec-10 16:01:26

If it was me, with having given birth and moved within a couple of months, I would thank her and say that you dont feel able to take on the role of BM aswell. Especially as you said that you arent bothered about weddings anyway. That way youdont have to worry about the hideous dress, and as guests you dont have as much pressure. If she is like this after a month she could go one of two ways, either calm down and get a grip or get much much worse and you really dont need that with everything else you will have on at the time.

Dont forget that as a BM you will have to attend dress fittings, rehearsal, planning meetings (if she is the type) and all this with a pregnancy/newborn and and house move to plan.

I would, in the nicest possible way, resign.

curlymama Thu 02-Dec-10 16:01:39

Completely agree with minipie.

saffy85 Thu 02-Dec-10 16:05:26

Yes sirboob (I LOVE your name btw) my mum suffers the wrost hot flushes known to man. Hot pink will look worse on her especially as in her own words "she aint no Twiggy". I have never been to a wedding where the MOTB wore the same as BM either.

She knows, she must do, that a woman in her 50's living solely on benefits will struggle to afford to attend. We have tried to point this out but she is not listening. She also knows that DP aren't flush (I will be though in shocking pink!) and that we wont have any spare cash, she is hardly rolling in it herself.

There are quite a few ADs that you can take while BF I know this, but GP says to stick with what I know especially as I other health issues to take into consideration. BF was such a disaster last time- I failed miserably- that I nearly topped myself (that would be the PND though) Dsis must have forgotten those tearful phone conversations to herself and our mum).

EricNorthpolesChristmas Thu 02-Dec-10 16:08:32

You need to bow out of the BM role. I was a BM 5 weeks after DS was born, the bride made sure to choose a dress that we all liked (in fact I think one of the other BMs had the job of choosing!) and one which I would be happy to wear, she even offered to buy it in two sizes in case i wasn't sure what size I would be! she also let me off all BM 'duties' apart from walking down the aisle, good thing as it was as much as I could manage to do my hair and put some slap on. If she's going to be a demanding bride then you are far better off being a guest/helper. I have to say I already felt like a heffalump next to the other 2 BMs (all 4 of us best friends so no jealousy issues) in my dress, and it was a lovely coast job which skimmed in all the right places. I would have cried if I had been made to wear a strapless prom dress!

trixie123 Thu 02-Dec-10 16:09:42

am also being asked to wear bright pink for my sister next year, 250 miles away, two weeks before my due date! You have my sympathies.. As far as the affording it goes, you do have a long time to save up and if you are close enough for her to ask you to be a bridesmaid is not going really an option? could your parents help out with the cost? PHeebe I actually a think a bride should take a fair account of everyone else's needs actually, especially if they are asking people to travel the length of the country and spend what will add up to several hundred pounds per couple. Hardly going to be a good wedding if everyone is a little bit pissed off with you. If you want to it to be all about you alone, elope. If you ant to share your day with loved ones, don't make it very expensive and awkward for them to attend.

SirBoobAlot Thu 02-Dec-10 16:10:19

God she sounds like one of these "I'll make everyone else look terrible so I look amazing!" type brides you read about shock grin Really really hope she changes her mind... Hopefully she is just so wrapped up in it right now she hasn't started actually thinking logically about everything.

Sorry you had such a rough time last time And you didn't fail. Don't beat yourself up! Totally agree that you should stick with something you know if you feel it is what you need, just wanted to make sure you hadn't been given any of the "ohhh you can't take anything whilst breastfeeding you know..." rubbish that some health professionals spout grin

WriterofDreams Thu 02-Dec-10 16:10:44

I can totally see how you feel but do please be understanding. Weddings are hugely stressful (as you know if you're married) and it's very hard not to come across as a bridezilla sometimes. When I got married I wanted my two sisters, who were my bridesmaids, to buy whatever dress they wanted, not necessarily matching. The idea was that they'd have an opportunity to buy a really nice dress at my expense and the dresses would get worn again. I thought I was being sensible and nice but my sister flipped at me and told me I was being a bridezilla! To be honest I couldn't give a shit about the bridesmaids dresses as there were so many details to think about so in the end I just washed my hands of it and let them do what they wanted. In the end my older sister made my younger sister buy a matching dress that neither of them have touched since the wedding. Waste of money in my view, but hey I was only the bride, I had no say, did I?

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