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to wonder why people bother getting engaged if they don't even set a rough date to get married

(87 Posts)
RitaLynn Thu 02-Dec-10 13:43:42

This is prompted by a family thing more than anything, but I don't get why people bother getting engaged if they don't even have a rough date to get married (e.g. summer 2012, etc).

This is prompted partly by my brother who has been engaged to his fiancee for six years now with no plan to get married at all. It irritates me to see on FB that they're engaged. (They say the only thing stopping them is lack of money)

altinkum Thu 02-Dec-10 13:45:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker Thu 02-Dec-10 13:49:48

YANBU. We got engaged to be married...so we got engaged, and then got married. If you don't believe in the piece of paper why would a ring signify anything? Each to their own though I guess.

Not sure how it takes people years to plan a wedding either. We had a traditional white wedding just under 6 months after DH proposed.

geekygiraffe Thu 02-Dec-10 13:50:39

I have a relative who's been engaged for 23 years shock.

I was engaged to XP for a year but he was too tight to ever get married (my conclusion - was generally v tight - said bday cards were a waste of money, so no, didn't ever get a ring!). He is now married to someone he met 9 months ago - lesson learnt the hard way methinks - or maybe she's the right woman, of course ; 0).

geekygiraffe Thu 02-Dec-10 13:52:24

And agree with ninky. Got engaged to DH in Feb, married in Oct ... not traditional big white wedding, but you can do it quickly and cheaply surprisingly easily.
My brother and his DP are planning a big Unwedding. I'm a little bit WTF.

NinkyNonker Thu 02-Dec-10 13:53:31

We didn't want a big wedding, but it ended up that way!

RitaLynn Thu 02-Dec-10 13:54:16

what's an unwedding?

DiscoDaisy Thu 02-Dec-10 13:55:26

We got engaged 15 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child. 4 more children later and we still haven't got married. The longer we've been together the less important getting married seems <apart from the legal side, I know>.

RitaLynn Thu 02-Dec-10 13:55:35

I'm glad most think I'm being reasonable. It is of course completely up to my brother, but it seems daft to me to get engaged to get married, and not get married. Given that it can be done quite cheaply, I don't know why they just don't do it. You never have enough money for the "perfect" wedding

MrsRhettButler Thu 02-Dec-10 13:55:47

i believe in marraige but i also want a BIG day grin which we cant afford right now, we have a dd aged 5 and are planning to have more dc soon, i would like to get engaged as i feel it will be taking the 'next step' and when we do we wont be setting a date...

so i think yabu, each to their own

RitaLynn Thu 02-Dec-10 13:56:20

Daisy, do you refer to yourself as engaged?

MrsRhettButler Thu 02-Dec-10 13:56:32

*marriage blush

LaWeaselMys Thu 02-Dec-10 13:57:00

I understand the money thing. It has taken us near a year to save up £500 for our wedding, as other more important things keep coming up (of the basic needs side) although we knew it would take a long time and had planned a summer 2011 wedding of the whatever we can afford variety.

Unfortunately it looks like that money will now be going on December's rent, and since the registry office costs £350 who knows if we can even afford bare basics in time.

piprabbit Thu 02-Dec-10 13:57:47

I don't mind people getting engaged without setting a date.
I'm very hmm about people who set a date to engaged though.

happysmiley Thu 02-Dec-10 13:57:58

YANBU. Don't understand why people do this. SIL has been engaged for about 8 years, before I even met her brother. In her case it's because she doesn't believe in marriage. Fine, I get that, but then why would you get engaged?

The really infuriating thing is she gets mega annoyed, I mean really angry if anyone asks when she intends to get married. What does she expect when she wears an engagement ring and declared herself to be engaged?

confused

DiscoDaisy Thu 02-Dec-10 13:58:46

On my facebook page I do. In rl it depends. Sometimes I say we're engaged sometimes I say we're together and sometimes I say we're not married but live together. iyswim.

RubyRoseRed Thu 02-Dec-10 14:00:02

My Dad's cousin was engaged for 53 years!! They finally got married shortly after finding out he had terminal cancer. He died a few months later. It was very sad but so nice they finally tied the knot before it was too late. They were a fantastic couple, not sure why they waited so long.....

dietcokesholidaysarecoming Thu 02-Dec-10 14:01:04

Yabu- we can't afford to get married yet but doesn't mean I don't want the ring commitment

MrsRhettButler Thu 02-Dec-10 14:01:42

exactly laweasel.... and tbh if i had enough money for the type of wedding i want then i would rather put it toward buying a house as we still dont own our own home

HollyTwat Thu 02-Dec-10 14:04:04

I can understand it.

I've been married twice already and I don't want to get married again. But if I met someone who I did want to spend the rest of my life with I'd probably get engaged, but never do the marriage bit, to show committment.

I don't think marriage is for me sadly

I have awful taste in men

eatyourveg Thu 02-Dec-10 14:09:16

I never got engaged, just decided we would get married, went to see the minster who booked us in for the following month at the local chapel and that was that.

I always said I'd have an engagement ring for my silver wedding anniversary but 17 years in and I'm really not bothered. Can't see the point of spending money on a ring I'd probably never wear.

Maybe I was officially engaged after ringing the minister, I'm not sure seeing as neither of us actually proposed to one another.

saffy85 Thu 02-Dec-10 14:13:54

YANBU. If you don't even set a rough date or discuss venues what's the bloody point?

Me and DP once got engaged when I first got pregnant. Gave him the ring back after a year as tbh I didnt care about getting married and neither did he. We didnt get engaged for the right reasons, other people kept asking stuff like "so you getting hitched before or after baby is born?" hmm. DP thought if we got engaged they'd shut up. It got worse.

We've both agreed that should we ever get the urge to marry (would only ever be if there was some kind of financial benefit like say we actually by some miracle got a mortgage) we'll take the DC and elope. Neither of us give a shit about weddings.

GiddyPickle Thu 02-Dec-10 14:15:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duna Thu 02-Dec-10 14:18:39

YANBU

When you are engaged you are 'engaged to be married'. The marriage is the committment part, not the engagement!

Of course you don't need to be married to show your committment, but getting engaged is part of the process of getting married so it doesn't make any sense. IYKWIM

saffy85 Thu 02-Dec-10 14:19:00

God yeah I hate that piprabbit "we're going to get engaged on her birthday/Valentines day/the anniversary of when we had our first drunken fumble." hmm eh? Do it nicely FGS. As a surprise. I'm not romantic at all and like I said before not bothered by marriage but I still hold a grudge against DP for his actual proposal.

His favourite restuarant, pushed the ring in the box across the table to me and said the immortal line as I opened it "so do you wanna get married? as you're havin my baby?" hmm wow thanks how could I say no?

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