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DH says I'm unthoughtful, I think he's exaggerating. AIBU?

(26 Posts)
Believeitornot Wed 01-Dec-10 16:21:09

Not really sure whether AIBU or not.

DH and I have just had an argument because after he'd looked after DS for an hour, I failed to check if he wanted a break as I went to make myself something to eat and make tea for DS.

DS is really ill at the moment and has been up every 90mins-3 hours at night and I've had to sort it out as DS only wants boob me. So I'm pretty tired.

I needed a lie down so had a quick kip leaving DH in charge. I hadn't been able to have much lunch as DS was clingy so I thought I'd eat later. Hence making myself something to eat once I'd had a nap.

DH pulled a face when I said I was going to make a snack, which annoyed me as I knew he was annoyed but it wasn't until he asked that he told me what was wrong (he needed a break). I tool offence to him needing a break - it had only been an hour. Anyway turns out he meant he just wanted the loo and cup of tea - if he'd said that instead of an overly dramatic "I need a break", I would have been more understanding.

Anyway after much "discussion", DH concludes that I had been unthoughtful. He doesn't concede that he should have been clearer. I'm a bit upset about being called unthoughtful and think he's being over the top.

I'm willing to concede I should have checked if he needed to do anything before I disappeared in the kitchen, although part of me thinks that it's not as if he'd been on duty for the whole afternoon.


classydiva Wed 01-Dec-10 16:23:18

Surely the child is in bed? and can be left for five minutes for a toilet break?

hobbgoblin Wed 01-Dec-10 16:23:51

How would your DH go to the toilet if a lone parent?

HarderToKidnap Wed 01-Dec-10 16:24:20

All y'all should probably start using the word "thoughtless".

Other than that, massive storm in teacup, everyone drink tea and stop whinging at each other.

hobbgoblin Wed 01-Dec-10 16:24:32

I think Y(child)IBU wink

Ormirian Wed 01-Dec-10 16:24:39

I think you might both be a bit overtired and stressed. Maybe?

santasbluebaubles Wed 01-Dec-10 16:25:20

YANB at all U and your DH is being more than a bit pathetic! Is he there to relieve you hourly when you want a wee or a cuppa?

CinnabarRed Wed 01-Dec-10 16:27:44

I suspect you're both tired from broken sleep (assuming DH is woken up by DS in the night, even if he can't feed him) and the whole thing will seem trivial very soon.

Go and give DH a hug, and no doubt he'll hug back.

diddl Wed 01-Dec-10 16:28:04

Jesus, you´re unthoughtful?

Can´t think what the fuck that makes me then, when sometimes husband would get in from work after a long day & I would head off straight to bed because I had had enough i had a headache or was knackered.

Would never occur to me to ask another adult if they needed the loo[grin9

MeowyChristmasEveryone Wed 01-Dec-10 16:29:16

Why didn't he just say, "could you make me a cuppa tea while you're there, please?"

Men always say that we shouldn't expect them to be able to mind read - works both ways, Daddy!!

As long as he didn't demand a cuppa, then what's the problem. He should stop acting like a child.

CinnabarRed Wed 01-Dec-10 16:31:32

I remember very clearly DS1 being poorly when he was about 9mo and him crying every time I put him down - in the end I took him into the loo with me and then couldn't pull my knickers up with one hand! Had to waddle to the sofa with my jeans around my ankles... Now I wouldn't think twice about leaving DS2 to cry for 30 secs while I had a wee, but that's experience for you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 01-Dec-10 16:32:29

You are clearly both knackered and therefore feeling resentful of each other.

I don't understand why he couldn't go to the loo and/or make a cuppa while he was looking after DS though. 'Tis what other parents do....

BlueFergie Wed 01-Dec-10 16:34:38

Can he not go to the loo and make a cup of tea with a child in tow? I mange it on a daily basis (sometimes more than once!) with two kids. I know people with 3 or more kids who have successfully had cups of tea and toilet trips as well.

overmydeadbody Wed 01-Dec-10 16:38:59

Your DH is being U. Why on earth couldn't he go to the loo and make a cup of tea?

Your child won't die if they are left alone for five minutes. Even ten minutes.

Come on. How do you tihnk lone parents cope?

Believeitornot Wed 01-Dec-10 16:42:41

I think he wanted a clear break with DS (13 months) clinging on. DS isn't in bed - he's ill but wont settle for long, keeps getting up, running around then coming for cuddles.

Yes DH gets woken up but not always as I end up sleeping in DS's room for most of the night.

You're right, we're both stressed and tired and maybe IBU for thinking I've got it harder and DH shouldn't complain.

I don't make cups of tea when I'm in charge - DS is far too nosy to give me five minutes! So I save it for his naps. As for going to the loo - well we have a playpen for that (judge away wink )

SuePurblybiltByElves Wed 01-Dec-10 16:43:07

Loving the word "unthoughtful". grin

It sounds like you're both being silly. DS is sick and needs a lot of care but there are two of you and you're both able to be at home in the daytime so you're already doing better than most. I think it's frayed nerves from lack of sleep and you just need to get through it best you can. Suggest to DH if he's going to get snitty, you'l do a rota.

IsItMeOr Wed 01-Dec-10 16:43:23

You are both tired and tetchy. Happens to adults as well as children ime.

YANBU and neither is he. It's tough when DCs are ill, especially the first few times.

I would recommend an apology from you because he felt neglected - cup of tea and a cuddle maybe? - and then try to forget about it. It's important that you look after each other when you're getting so little sleep.

Chandon Wed 01-Dec-10 16:47:01

Oh my DH and I used to do this,

PFB new parent stress!

"Can you keep an eye on him for a moment?!"
"I need a pee! I should be allowed a pee!"
"Well, when will I get a break?!"
"After your pee, can you take him as I really need to make a quick phone call"

etc etc.

Then we learned that it is OK to leave a baby, even if he's crying and screaming, in his cot for 5 mins to have a wee, or make tea. Really. It is o.k.

Start by breathing in deeply.

HelenLG Wed 01-Dec-10 16:49:50

Everytime DH looks after DS it makes me laugh.

He doesn't seem to get the concept of being able to put him down somewhere safe for two second whilst you pop to the loo. Quite often as soon as I walk back into the room I'll get 'Can you just take him a minute, I need to wash my hand/get a drink/have a wee?'

Everytime I laugh at him and tell him to just put him down and what would he do if I wasn't coming back. He's beginning to get it now and even just puts DS in his highchair whilst making himself a cup of coffee.

YANBU, I would be irritated at being called unthoughtful, especially when he's the one who isn't thinking.

Believeitornot Wed 01-Dec-10 16:53:05

We've made up although I do feel a little hard done by (and have said so). Maybe I'm the drama queen grin

Librashavinganotherbiscuit Wed 01-Dec-10 16:54:50

Does your DH not realise that to a toddler having a pee is a group activity anyway?

Believeitornot Wed 01-Dec-10 16:56:13

That's exactly how it is chandon! when it's just me I'm fine about leaving DS for short periods or I just let him follow me while I do stuff.

ShanahansRevenge Wed 01-Dec-10 16:59:31

Sounds like cabin fever to me.

Believeitornot Wed 01-Dec-10 16:59:46

I've told him that Libra but he's not convinced!

AboutToGoBang Wed 01-Dec-10 17:01:20

DH is a wuss, all my pees are taken with a 3-year-old AND a (climbing, crawling) baby. I had to make a rule for the older one - "No touching mummy while she is going to the toilet, until she has finished AND HAS PULLED HER TROUSERS BACK UP!". (It was going to be "no climbing on mummy...", but then I thought might as well cover everything in one go...).

And even then, it doesn't work for the baby, as she is still too young for rules and for understanding that mummy's legs are not a climbing frame and mummy's pulled-down knickers are NOT for sticking your face in while she pees....

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