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To wonder why some women cast themselves as the 'poor relation'?

(22 Posts)
NorhamGardens Wed 01-Dec-10 10:27:27

We've just had a school trip and the class had a party evening afterwards.

I was struck by the friendship dynamic of a friend of mine with an alpha mum at our school. The 'alpha' is very confident and stylish and my friend seems to cast herself as a poor relation by comparison.

My friend told me how people often mistook her as her alpha friend's PA or assistant as she is so ordinary and couldn't hold a candle to the Alpha's beauty and just general fabulousness. She told me, on a Mums evening out, that she was happy to hold her bag etc.

I find this very odd. My friend is bright, attractive etc and has lots going for her. I've noticed that some of these 'uber' types often have similar sorts of friends. In other words friends who don't have equal power in the relationship.

Do others know what I am talking about?

FindingMyMojo Wed 01-Dec-10 10:29:53

"She told me, on a Mums evening out, that she was happy to hold her bag etc. "

I'm gobsmacked Norham - can't say I've experienced this, though you've got me thinking perhaps I've met some women who are looking for a dowdy bag holding friend - but I can't say I hang around to 'befriend' these types.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Wed 01-Dec-10 10:31:45

I can imagine what you mean but tbh no, don't think I have come across anything quite like that with adult women, do rmemeber some dowdyish girls attached to more popular/attractive ones at schoolthough, so I suppose it is a continuation of that kind of behaviour. Basking in reflected glory type of thing.

I am happy to hold her bag really sounds an odd thing to say

NorhamGardens Wed 01-Dec-10 10:32:14

She actually said she held the bag as a man wanted to take a photo of said gorgeous alpha!

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Wed 01-Dec-10 10:33:18

oh well in that siutaion, someone was taking a photo, I wouldn't be bothered if a friend lumbered me with their coat/bag or if they were trying on a coat or something.

AuraofDora Wed 01-Dec-10 10:34:09

bit strange thing to say and do
you cant really have a proper relationship like this
bit sad n teenagery

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Wed 01-Dec-10 10:35:27

I don't cast myself as the poor relation though my two best friends are these amazing 'types'.

I too have offered to hold their bag when someone has wanted to take photos of them/wanted to have private conversations with them.

NorhamGardens Wed 01-Dec-10 10:36:15

I actually had a frank conversation with my friend and told her I wouldn't want to play this role, she said she was completely comfortable with it.

She made me feel as if I was the one with the issue. I can't pay homage to someone. Odd, or is it me?

NorhamGardens Wed 01-Dec-10 10:37:24

Laurie, but why are you any less 'amazing'?

Grumpla Wed 01-Dec-10 10:37:34

Sounds good to me. Where do I sign up for a minion?

Duties to include: bag holding, arse licking, chocolate bar unwrapping BUT NOT SHARING.

Any doormat types out there who want to make my life easier? No?

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Wed 01-Dec-10 10:39:22

I just don't need someone to hold my bag yet . Someone who went out in the snow to get me a nice coffee so I can stay indoors in the warmth reading my book while dd has orchestra - now you're talking!"

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Wed 01-Dec-10 10:40:45

if you were quite directa nd blunt about how that relationship looks, so she understood how it comes across to you, and she still said she is comfortable with it, being a kind of shadowy attendant, I suppose that is just the way she is for whatever reason.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Wed 01-Dec-10 10:41:07

I will holdyour bag grumpla, if you get me a coffee?

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Wed 01-Dec-10 10:43:10

Norham - I'm just less obviously 'amazing' wink

Ones an uber-successful stunning model type, the others a minor sleb fitness instructor.

I look just a touch different to them. I am amazing in my own way. I don't defer to them either, I'm not some sad loon.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Wed 01-Dec-10 10:44:37

might not be just the looks. Could imagine the moreglamorous one is more out-going, perhaps she is a lot of fun to be around and the other one is very shy

NinkyNonker Wed 01-Dec-10 10:47:30

I have a acquaintance who likes to be friends/go out with people she think are less attractive than her (everyone in her eyes) to make herself look good. Needless to day we're not friends!grin

GraceAwayInAManger Wed 01-Dec-10 10:47:39

I can't pay homage to someone - yeah, that's odd, in the way she seems to mean it anyway. I'm watching a Bet Midler interview right now: I admire the woman and would, indeed, be honoured to hang around in her shadow paying homage. But if she went "Here, Grace, hang on to my things will you?" I wouldn't feel honoured. I'd sort of go off her, I think hmm

Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara Wed 01-Dec-10 10:54:44

I haven't come across anyone like this but it does sound very odd. I'd quite like a minion to hold my bag.... wink

Grumpla Thu 02-Dec-10 01:30:36

<hands DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain a coffee, a handbag, a baby with a bum that needs wiping, and a choccy bar to unwrap>

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain Thu 02-Dec-10 08:42:45

now I will hold your bag love but not your baby, I might scald him/her withthe coffee. The coffee would also melt your chocolate, so I'll just polish that off quickly whilst you deal with baby.

There we go, that was delicious, thanks!

needafootmassage Thu 02-Dec-10 09:22:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumpla Thu 02-Dec-10 11:17:08

DanZZZen, you are a very naughty minion!

I will obviously have to seek elsewhere for someone suitably doormatty...

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