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To be a bit peeved with FIL

(42 Posts)
CheeseChomper Wed 01-Dec-10 10:14:01

Right all, want some opinions as to whether or not iabu and super-sensitive and hormonal, or whether i'm justified in being a bit peeved with my FIL!

I actually adore my in-laws, they're such lovely people and have done a lot for me in the past, and are always the first to help out/give lifts/make sure DP and his siblings (and us partners) are okay.

However, yesterday about 5pm get a call from DP to say FIL was on his way over as trains had been buggered due to snow and he was stranded in our neck of the woods. Of course I welcomed him with open arms (as I would friend, family, even stranger in these current conditions). I was of course happy for him to have dinner with us, and we would've even put him up for the night on the sofa (no spare bed at the moment due to impending baby taken over our spare room!).

What DID piss me off, was the fact that he seemed oblivious to the fact that we might have been doing other things that evening, and when on phone to MIL to tell her where he was, was very breezy and was like "oh i'll wait here until 8pm and see what it's like outside", and then another phone call progressed to "Oh well there's no rush, i'll stay as long as I like and if the worst happens i'll stay over"- all without asking myself or DP. I must make VERY clear that of course in the snowy conditions we'd always have him stay and it wouldn't be an issue. In the end he got picked up by MIL at 11.30pm after lots of ummming and aaahing on the phone as to whether or not he was going to stay- again, without having awareness of us, and I was dying of tiredness (preggers!)

For some background, I think I may feel a bit peeved because FIL doesn't seem to acknowledge our flat as DP AND MY home, just DPs, even though we've lived together a year now and are expecting our first baby in January. DP owned our flat (with the help of his parents) before we got together and his name is on the mortgage. I, however, have always paid my share of the mortgage since moving in and we split the bills 50/50. It just feels that my inlaws can do what they like with our flat, and come and do what they want, because they helped DP buy it and he had it before I came along. I feel threatened because as far as i'm concerned when our baby arrives it will be our family home, and I don't like the fact that it doesn't feel like my home too when FIL does things like he did last night. Another example of soemthing that pissed me off was when the housephone rang last night, I went to answer it and FIL got there before me and answered it!!! Also asking to put the footie on and talking loudly over a programme I wanted to watch- it just seemed quite rude...

Am I being a hormonal nutter (31 weeks preggers here!) or was he rude and a bit out of line?

I feel sad that I feel this way as he's really lovely normally, but at the same time angry that he feels he can come in and do what he likes.

bumpybecky Wed 01-Dec-10 10:17:25

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable, but you're 31 weeks so that's only to be expected If you were that tired though you should have gone to bed. I wouldn't get too cross with FIL.

<runs away from grumpy pregnant person>

MoonUnitAlpha Wed 01-Dec-10 10:19:41

Couldn't you have gone to bed if you were tired?

I would expect family to make themselves at home in my home tbh.

NeverArgueWithAnIdiot Wed 01-Dec-10 10:22:43

I think it's a thing that some parents do: they assume that because it's their (grown-up!)children, they can do what they like. My dad turned up at DB and SIL's house at 6 am with a friend one day. It doesn't signify anything, I suspect. (Except that, yes, FIL is a bit rude grin)

However, I think the reason you feel threatened is that it's not your flat. It belongs to your DP. Why are you paying a share of the mortgage without having your name on the deeds? Time for a chat with the DP. If you're committed enough to raise a child together, surely you're committed enough to co-own the flat.

sugargirl1 Wed 01-Dec-10 10:23:52

Without meaning to sound at all patronising CheeseChomper you are soo cute. Yes YAB a teensy bit U but I would put it all down to being 31 weeks. Sounds like exactly the kind of thing that would would annoy me - mainly on principle - rather than it actually put me out. Don't be too mad.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Wed 01-Dec-10 10:25:21

I would be expecting to own half the flat now.

yes, he's a bit rude too.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 01-Dec-10 10:26:31

I think you need to get your name on the house deeds, because the fact is it's not your house as things stand. I am guessing that you are not married, so even though you are paying your share of the bills, your rights are limited. I would make rectifying this an absolute priority.

YANBU to feel annoyed at your FILs attitude. It was tactless and rude and I think some responsibility has to lie with your DP for letting this continue. Your FIL probably didn't mean to be rude, but they have got into the habit of treating the flat as solely belonging to your DP.

Legally, they are his next of kin, so I urge you to get wills done, because they would likely inherit your home if something happened to DP, especially as they helped to pay for it.

Sorry to be so negative, but I thinf that if you correct the legalities, the rest will follow iyswim.

Alternatively, move house. Get it in joint names and there will be a different 'feel' to the place

RealityVom Wed 01-Dec-10 10:27:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityVom Wed 01-Dec-10 10:27:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrappedinSuburbia Wed 01-Dec-10 10:29:12

Its just the kind of person he is, he probably wouldn't think twice about you acting like that if the roles were reversed and you were stranded at his house.

I'm guessing your just feeling a bit territorial, embrace and welcome them as your family, they sound wonderful.

brizzagirl Wed 01-Dec-10 10:29:49

Yes I would be a bit annoyed too but I think the only really bad thing was FIL answering your phone! Fair enough for him to umm and ahh a bit whether or not to stay.

Agree though you should maybe have a chat with DP about putting your name on the deeds.

Niecie Wed 01-Dec-10 10:30:40

Until you got to the bit about answering the phone I thought he just sounded a bit dithery regarding whether or not to stay. I would have presumed that he would have been asked to stay by DP before DP phoned you to say he was on his way. Did DP say anything about whether he had offered? If he hadn't I would be more fed up with him personally.

But then on the other hand, you don't answer somebody else's phone unless you know it is for you. Do you have caller ID and was it for him?

And as far as the telly watching goes, I kinda think you are both in the wrong. You had guests and so shouldn't have been so concerned with watching telly and it maybe why FIL was talking loudly over the top of it. On the other hand, anybody who goes to somebody else's house and asks to watch the footie is automatically BU.smile

So, in short, I have no idea if you are being unreasonable but I am sorry you didn't have a great evening.

I agree though that you need to get the flat ownership sorted and then you won't feel quite so vulnerable.

thefurryone Wed 01-Dec-10 10:35:33

You probably are being teeny wee bit BU.

The fact he felt able to make himself feel at home is because it's his son's home not because he helped to buy it and feels his has the right to it. It's actually a compliment that they feel they can still do this with you there as it means they feel comfortable around you.

That said as your 31 weeks pregnant you're allowed to feel like this, I'm currently 19 weeks and feel like my DH is overstepping the mark when he breaths loudly in his own bed grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 01-Dec-10 10:37:45

You need to get your name on the mortgage, otherwise you are effectively just a lodger.

Answering the phone was rude of him.

SantasENormaSnob Wed 01-Dec-10 10:39:19

What karma and reality said.

flamingpants Wed 01-Dec-10 10:44:57

I wonder whether actually this is a compliment to you? That he feels so comfortable and is so fond of you to know that you would do all those things and assume you would have said, 'actually we've got 10 coming for supper'. He probably hasn't thought through. As others said though, I definitely would have gone to bed.

(PS good luck with remainder of pregnancy and baby!)

CheeseChomper Wed 01-Dec-10 11:18:25

Thanks everyone for your posts- was expecting to get flamed more!

I think I was being a bit unreasonable and grumpy and hormonal, but as sugargirl said, it was more the principle of him swanning about a bit than him actually being here! [anal bitch emotocion]

It does bring up the potential for a whole other thread now though- is it reasonable for me to be put on the mortgage?

DP has owned the flat (with the help of his parents in terms of deposit) for 5 years. Me and DP have been together for two years, living together for one, and are expecting our first baby in January. We are not married yet but both want to get married when we can afford it in a couple of years. Since moving in a year ago I have paid half the money for mortgage and bills into DPs account each month.

I think I haven't brought up having my name put on the deeds, because I thought that I would actually be a bit unreasonable as he owned it long before me and has invested loads of money into it, and also because I didn't want to seem like a money-grabbing woman to his family! I don't have any capital to put towards it in terms of an 'extra' deposit or lump sum. If I wasn't pg, I would consider having the conversation now we've lived together a while, as I actually earn quite well and would be able to pay a fair bit towards it. However, now that I AM pg, I only get 3 months full pay maternity pay, so DP will be paying the mortgage and essentially funding me whilst i'm on maternity leave (which he's fine with) so will have no money to put towards the flat sad, and am only planning on going back to work part-time until DC is at school, so again, don't have own money to put towards a mortgage. We have said that when I go back to work full time, then we will get a joint mortgage and get a bigger place.

DP is very generous, but i'm not sure how he'd feel at having my name on mortgage when i'm not contributing at all...

Think we need to have a conversation [sigh]

Thing is, surely if we DID ever split (god forbid), then I would be hugely unreasonable in staking a claim in the flat, since I haven't contributed to it hardly at all and it was his in the first place? confused

JaxTellersOldLady Wed 01-Dec-10 11:22:35

I think you need to get a 'deed of trust' sorted out for your own sake. You are entitled to at least the money that you have put into the mortgage I think.

thefurryone Wed 01-Dec-10 11:25:45

cheesechomper you can get a solicitor to draw up a document which outlines that he is entitled to a larger share of the proceeds from any sale in the house based on his paying the deposit and his contributions to the mortgage before you moved in.

If you are paying towards the mortgage and raising a family together, then it is reasonable for you to be on the deeds.

RealityVom Wed 01-Dec-10 11:26:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfYaffle Wed 01-Dec-10 11:30:56

It's not just about you splitting up, what if he died? You have to think about inheritance tax etc.

zipzap Wed 01-Dec-10 11:32:58

COuld you get married - just a quick registry office thing - so that if something happened to you or your dh (heaven forbid it does) then you are each others next of kin, property etc can pass between you without tax, rather than it being your pil that are seen as next of kin - and I assume your child but if they are still little then I guess they don't get a say in things even if they were to get a share of belongings.

THink of it as purely financial/life planning and then have a proper wedding when you would have otherwise of done...

I know it is not a nice thing to think about but if you have a child coming it is a good time to use to talk about it and look at the practical aspects of being married - there are several posters on here who in the past have been thankful that they have been married rather than not when something dreadful has happened to their OH. Sorry, I don't know more of the ins and outs of it, hopefully some of the other posters will, I just know that there are definitely advantages to being married if you have kids together!

girlafraid Wed 01-Dec-10 11:39:23

My in laws behave like this in the house that belongs jointly to me and DH and they also behaved like it in the flat I lived in with DH when it belonged solely to me!!

I don't think they are being deliberately rude but seem to have the attitude that because it's their son's they don't have to behave as they would in another adults' house. It seems quite a subtle way of them behaving as if they are the grown ups and we are the children. Does that make sense?

They are not bad people but very thoughtless and almost every visit I have to kindly remind them that I am a grown up and it's my place.
A couple of weeks ago MIL came in and announced that my sink was dirty and could she clean it. I wouldn't mind but her house is f*****g filthy!

DH thinks they can do no wrong so I quite sweetly asked MIL if she's like me to go in to her house, comment on it and ask if I could clean it.
Maybe I'm agressive but I think they need reminding that they need to behave themselves.

CheeseChomper Wed 01-Dec-10 11:48:51

Yes, I have thought of having a 'quickie' marriage anyway to save some money (who says romance is dead? grin) but DP wants to do it 'properly' (as would I in an ideal world)so don't know if this is an option, especially what with our little one arriving so soon- again, I think an area for discussion!

sleepingsowell Wed 01-Dec-10 12:32:11

I agree - get your name on the deeds. There is no room for 'oo would it be ok' or 'oo am I entitled?' - you are now tied together to the death because you are having a child together. Time to get properly set up. Your partner should WANT your position (and his child's) to be utterly safe and secure just in case of something happening to him. Also agree with those that say you ARE contributing to the household by having his child, and bringing it up. Otherwise he would have to either give up work to do it or pay someone full time, wouldn't he?
I also think it's utter teenage-style nonsense (sorry....) to say we'll get married when we can afford it. You can do it for a hundred quid or so. If a big party matters, then have that later on.
But for the sake of your child you and your partner need to formalise things in some way.
I certainly hope he's at least made a will!

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