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to think that DH has just decided he can't even be arsed to try to come home in the snow tonight

(113 Posts)
margaretluna Tue 30-Nov-10 21:55:57

DH works in central London. We live out about an hour's commute from Victoria. Getting from train station to our house is absolutely fine as only an inch of snow here and we are on a main road only 5 mins from station. So no problems really at this end.

DH was meant to be going to a champagne tasting after work tonight - some kind of Christmas do with other companies that do work for him. Sort of a show your face thing rather than compulsory, but nice to do of course.

I texted snow updates a few times today so he knew what was happening here. He phoned at 6pm to say the trains out of Victoria are currently cancelled so there is no point bothering yet and he might as well go to the champagne tasting thing. Then if there are still no trains then he will give one of our friends a call and see if he can stay there. Makes sense I guess, rather than hang around Victoria for a few hours.

I have since texted twice - no answer - and called - phone switched off/no reception. So I don't know if he is coming home but am suspecting he has just decided to get drunk on champagne and hotfoot it to a friend's rather than attempt a cold journey home and then will call me when asking him to come home is moot.

Ordinarily I'd be fine with this - he works hard, he is really not an unreasonable bloke, champagne is nice, what is the point of battling through snow if there is another option but
a) I have a 9 week old baby and a toddler
b) baby has had first set of jabs today so not herself
c) toddler is going through a really bad patch behaviour wise
d) toddler is going through a really bad patch behaviour wise partly due to the baby but mainly because he is missing his dad who has had two business trips in the last two weeks so hasn't been around much and instead he has only had screaming harpy of a mother to look after him and then full on attention of grandparents when it was too much for me, so he is all over the place at the moment
e) screaming harpy of a mother had her first postnatal meltdown yesterday because i'm exhausted, we have the builders in so the house is a noisy tip, our boiler keeps breaking and nobody will come out to fix it in a hurry so i am worried about it being too cold for children, DH has been away so I have been shouldering the burden of childcare and toddler is being very very difficult so I am shattered and emotionally drained.

I don't know whether I should be furious that he made no effort to come home to see/help me and just hold my hand as I am feeling a bit down at the moment. He could have left work early to come home - he is senior enough that he could do that - but instead he stayed at work until ythe train situation became impossible and he now seems to have resigned himself to just being in London, and hell he might as well therefore go for champagne.

Or has he actually made a sensible call, it is just one of those things, bad luck that the snow has come immeditaley on the back of his business trips yadder yadder and I should just be grateful I am in a reasonably warm house and not having to either try and get a very delayed train home or sleep on a friend's sofa which he will be doing.

I genuinely don't know if IABU so don't know whether to let rip when he eventually calls or whether to sympathise with his plight.

Any thoughts?

(Regular but name changed as DH knows my posting name and I'd be mortified if he found this when it could just me being completely unreasonable)

OnEdge Tue 30-Nov-10 22:00:16

Trust your instincts, he is being a lazy selfish cock leaving you like that, its not fair. You can't just decide to switch off, you have to keep going ! So fucking unfair, I have similar little issues with my Husband, who is also really nice and reasonable.

sundew Tue 30-Nov-10 22:01:41

YANBU - normally I would have said YABU but based on your points a) to e) your dh should be home helping you out.

Personally I think you should be booking yourself a nice couple of spa treatments and leave your dcs with your dh

kittycat37 Tue 30-Nov-10 22:02:56

YANBU

You've got a lot on your plate.

Tell him how you feel. You need him to realise.

Good luck.

spidookly Tue 30-Nov-10 22:04:59

Yanbu, but not sure he is either.

If he's deliberately turned his phone off to avoid having to come home, then he's being vvvvvv u. But he might well just be out of coverage, so no point being cross about that.

It wasn't really u if him to have thought to come home early, as he couldn't have known the trains would be cancelled.

Presuming he stays out tonight, you could ask him to come home early tomorrow to give you a hand (and a rest).

It does seem like a lot of things all coming together that have put all the pressure on you right now. Just make sure you get some mental space over the weekend.

ToffeePenny Tue 30-Nov-10 22:06:40

Let rip. I'm in Victoria and while it is snowing outside nothing has settled - it's too wet. [totally jealous of mners with proper snow in their area emoticon].

ravenAK Tue 30-Nov-10 22:10:19

YAprobablyNBU - as you say, if all was well on the home front then champagne + staying with mate would be a perfectly sensible & rather nice option, but you need his support.

I think I'd be letting him know that I was owed a serious jolly of my own by way of recompense.

classydiva Tue 30-Nov-10 22:11:14

You aren't really sure what sort of a day at work he had though are you? He might have had meetings _ things planned, unless you see his diary you have no way of knowing what he had to do.

Ordinarilly you cannot leave work just cos it suits irrespective of seniority.

Managers those higher up put in more hours and do more than those below them, and when the snow falls, they don't use it as an excuse to go home.

YOu need to ensure you spend as much quality time as possible wtih the toddler, doing things with him whilst the baby sleeps during the day.

Get him to help you tidy up.

Get a few electric radiator heaters to use just in case the boiler fails.

He shouldnt have his phone off, however if it is lacking in charge it might have just died.

How do you expect him to get a train out of Victoria if there arent any? Have you checked online to see if the trains are actually running?

margaretluna Tue 30-Nov-10 22:11:18

It is not unreasonable to do what he is doing tonight given the circs, but i just feel like i draw the short straw yet again after a few weeks of it just being shit really. Sigh. Not helped by the fact that he has 5 Christmas party things over the next 3 weeks and this was the one sort of 'optional' one - the others are him taking his team out or him being with important business people so i face more evenings alone.

Would love to bugger off to spa all weekend but demand feeding 9 week old means not really possible . Might see if I can express enough for one feed so that way I can have a good few hours away and leave him to deal with them both at the weekend so he gets some idea what it's been like. He's never been left with them both before just because I've not really needed to be away really, so he has no clue what it is like!

He is a lovely DH really and I don't begrudge him champagne, but gah, I wish he were here drinking cheap plonk on the sofa with me instead.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 30-Nov-10 22:12:27

YANBU. I would be spitting in your position.

margaretluna Tue 30-Nov-10 22:13:30

classydiva - trains to Brighton are now intermittently running according to network rail and i texted him to let him know that.

Owlingate Tue 30-Nov-10 22:14:11

God love you. There are no trains to me from fucking victoria (just under and hour away) and haven't been for ages, DP managed to get as far as swanley wherever the hell that is. He has also been away for a few days. So I don't think you can blame him for this one (am alone with 2 little ones myself).

However he should be keeping in touch with you and keeping you up to date and checking the little ones are ok. You are looking after everyone.

You have to spell it out to him next time - 'any chance you could come home early and give us a hand'. IME he will NOT think to do it by himself. And I have a rule that I 'clock off' at 7. If DP is not to be home by then then I am in fact working late. I should therefore be entitled to as much notice (and/ or suitable reward as you think fit), say, a live in nanny that I am likely to be required to work late.

I almost hope for his sake you are wrong and he is stranded in Swanley with my DP wink. Make sure you have a good night by yourself or with just baby if BF later in the week and odds are with kids your ages he might just have a shit night. The world always looks a better place when things are evened up a bit.

classydiva Tue 30-Nov-10 22:14:12

As an aside and it is just an opinion, if two children of 2.5 and a baby were going to be too much for you as a stay at home mum, why didnt you leave a bigger gap?

YOu knew you would be the one at home all the time whilst he brought home the bacon.

I never understand the need to whinge when you chose to have the second child when you did.

It was never going to be easy was it?

Why not have your boiler fixed? Surely it is a priority when you have children at home?

Why have work done so close to christmas?

Sorry, but you really should look at the whole picture before considering having children so close together, work done at home.

YOu are the stay at home parent so it falls to you to run the house and mind the kids.

YOu can't have it both ways.

webwiz Tue 30-Nov-10 22:15:31

DH's journey home from work took double the normal time thanks to stupid trains even though we haven't got that much snow (Hertfordshire) I wouldn't mind if he took the decision to stay in London as the trains will probably be slow in the morning tomorrow as well but I don't have a baby and a toddler so don't need him to help me out. It sounds like you need a break, I'd stay calm and point out that as your DH has just had a night off its your turn now.

JeezyPeeps Tue 30-Nov-10 22:15:45

Ummm - how exactly do you think he'd get home? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334410/UK -snow-Commuters-warned-head-home-early.html

Are there other options?

I realise you are not having an easy time of it, but I don't see (from what you have posted) any way that he could feasibly make it back tonight...

Imarriedafrog Tue 30-Nov-10 22:16:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

webwiz Tue 30-Nov-10 22:18:22

I'm sure thats really helpful classydiva perhaps the OP could give the baby back hmm

Kenickie Tue 30-Nov-10 22:20:26

My husband used to do this to me all the time. I think the worst thing is not knowing. If you expect them to walk in the door at a certain time (especially with young children) things go downhill incredibly fast when they don't! However if you know well in advance, you adjust your mindset and seem to cope better. I know the weather is unpredictable, but he did know about the champagne thing. He probably wanted to go and is using the weather as an excuse, It took me a long time to convince my husband to give notice or stick to original plans.
Definately try to get a few hours to yourself!

margaretluna Tue 30-Nov-10 22:20:57

clsssydiva - un-fucking-called for. you can't judge any of my fitness to deal with2 children from this post. i am not sahm. i am on mat leave. dh and i purposefully did not choose jobs with lots of travel so we could share burden - so 2 trips in 2 weeks is v unusual and therefore i feel out of sorts about it an have found it hard.

i have called and called boiler repair guys but only one has so far committed to coming to see us.

plus even if that weren't the case, does that mean i'm not allowed to be pissed off about a situation once in a while?

Blu Tue 30-Nov-10 22:21:30

Intermittent trains, but people can't get onto the platfor, it is so crowded.

YANBU, and it sounds as if you are having a realy rough time. But tbh, instead of texting him weather reports, just say 'I can't cope - could you make sure you come home tonight, please?'. Be clear and direct.
Tonight he may find it very hard to get home - but for tomorrow, tell hi you doactually need him.

CHOOGIRL Tue 30-Nov-10 22:22:25

YABU I have just got home having done that journey. There have been no trains, announcements,since approximately 4.30. Buses are also hit and miss. I was minutes from giving up and booking into a hotel.

Victoria is not v good for mobile reception if you are inside the station.

Imarriedafrog Tue 30-Nov-10 22:22:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu Tue 30-Nov-10 22:23:28

ClassyDiva is the face of the feminist backlash - on every thread wink
Take no notice!

ENormaSnob Tue 30-Nov-10 22:25:58

Classydiva, even if op were a sahm does that mean she must be on call 24/7? Whilst her dh does 40 hrs per week and fucks off on jollies when he pleases.

Ridiculous, unhelpful post hmm

Dh and I both work ft so who does the on call then??

Baileysandice Tue 30-Nov-10 22:26:12

You poor thing you need a break. Is there family etc who could give you a bit of a break? Why are builders in? Is your bloke a workaholic, worried bout losing his job maybe? Or is he just copping out of family life?

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