to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?(663 Posts)
DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).
I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.
He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!
When do we get family time?
When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?
Can you both not reach a compromise as to how long he gets to spend doing his thing on a Saturday? Can you not try and manage some time on your own when he has the baby? I think YABU to stop him going altogether.
My DD's DH plays cricket every Saturday. He works extremely hard during the week and DD doesn't begrudge him this time.
I think your problem is the after match activities.
DD sometimes goes to watch and more times than not a family BBQ is held at a team members' home after the match.
They have made some great friendships over the years through cricket.
Yes, YABU I'm afraid. It's cricket and you have to understand that it's not a matter of life and death, it's far more important than that! I grew up in a cricketing family and we girls and my mother spent every Saturday in the season watching my father or one or both of my brothers play. We ran about and took skipping ropes and balls when we were younger (DSis and I that is) and lazed around in the sun, read books/magazines (Sis-who never did "get" cricket) or watched the match and scored for our team (me-who so did) and helped with the tea when we were older. You have t just get involved and try to go with the flow I'm afraid and, if it's a lovely day and a pretty ground, take your DD along for the day! Your DH might be so pleased that you're taking an interest, he might forego the after match drinking every now and again, but that will be the best you can hope for so better get used to it I'm afraid.
Libster- what century do you live in? Why should the OP spend her w/e trailing round applauding her spouse and "making the tea" (give me strength) when she's not interested in cricket?
OP- Tell him it's fine. You'll look after DD all of Saturday so long as he looks after her all day Sunday whilst you do whatever you want to do. That's fair.
Tbh though, I think you need to have a BIG chat about parenting. You are both the parents, not just you!
Cricket is a great sport, but with travelling and drinking will easily eat up half a weekend. For all the reasons you say, I was not prepared to accept a weekly match. We compromised on every other week which was easy for the captain to manage.
I saw several marriages flounder where there was no compromise. Very one sided otherwise.
He sounds very childish, tbh, with the "don't try and control me" rubbish...
Has he suddenly realised that having a baby is going to mean some sacrifices on his part?
There is no need for a tantrum when all you were asking was for him to compromise on the number of times he plays.
one thing about your OP, Holly - you said that you would "help round the house" on the weekend...is your DH a SAHD? Maybe this is why he feels he is entitled to "me-time"?
Sorry but IMO YABU. Cricket is cricket is cricket is life. As are football and rugby. When I got married I knew what I was taking on.
When the DC were small DH was building up his career and working very very hard. I did not begrudge him his sport. He is now very involved with DS's sport. He runs an age group at the cricket club and at the rugby club in the winter and rarely misses one of ds's matches even though he works in Europe Mon-Fri and home only at weekends. We have made some fantastic friends and have had some wonderful times with some lovely families.
Many years ago, I recall mums in the playground bitching to me that I had it all wrong and they wouldn't let their dh's go off to sport at weekends leaving me and dd to do our own thing. They had proper family lives - know what some of them are divorced now because the dh's couldn't stand the bossing nagging controlling family life. And at least one of their teenage ds's is well off the rails.
It is a tricky one, because it will obviously make him unhappy to give up cricket but it will probably make you very unhappy if he keeps it up. I had a similar problem that dh was playing football on saturday afternoons and two evenings a week. I didn't mind the evenings so much, but it was really miserable to be stuck with the dcs on saturdays, when everyone else was busy with their families and there weren't really any toddler friendly activities to do. Also, dh started taking the piss (I felt) - instead of being gone for two hours, which might have been reasonable he would be gone for ages, playing extra games, warming up, goodness knows what. It caused a lot of tension and eventually I insisted on having equivalent time off, which made him realise just what he was asking of me.
This year, because of work and family problems he missed a lot of training and ended up finding a social game instead. He is now gone from 4-6 on a saturday afternoon; I have about the same on sunday morning and everyone is happier. In fact, I think dh is much better off because he isn't so tired as he was before. I don't know if you could find a similar compromise with cricket.
Just say you're popping out one Sunday and go visiting friends for 10 hours!
Oh sure, op should subjugate herself and family life around a man who thinks his leisurebactivities should not change after having children?
Resentment will kill love stone dead.
You are willing to compromise, so should he.
Or you get to bugger off every sundaybfor ten hours and there is no family life all Summer. That won't work well.
Wow - that was a huge over reaction to what you said! I could almost accept him having a stop if you had said 'You are not playing cricket next year and don't even think about playing golf either' - but FGS you were looking for a compromise... and it was a pretty good one!
You have been together a long time - where the hell does he get off with the threatening attitude? THAT would have really pissed me off - a lot more than the general losing of his temper - completely unnecessarily!
As Tante said though - is he going to be a SAHD? Maybe he hasn't realised how little of you he will see when you are at work and he is at cricket and you are busy with the baby/tired during the week.
Whatever he is thinking/wanting - his reaction was unacceptable - he owes you a grovelling apology for threatening your relationship like that.
dh used to point out to me that 'all' the other wives came along to support with their children and it would be so much fun for me. I tried it once or twice but spent all the time trying to stop ds running onto the field while dd was strapped to me in a sling - all in the freezing cold. At the end of the season we went to one of the team mates for a barbie. His wife had a toddler and baby like me. She had put an immense effort into the bbq - spotless house, masses of food. She did all the work while hubby sat and drank. Afterwards he went out drinking with his mates while she presumably tidied up and looked after dcs. No way would I let myself get into that sort of situation.
FWIW, my dad used to work long hours and play lawn bowls all weekend. My mother was bitter and resentful and I hardly remember him from when I was a child.
I agree with poncey, it is a LEISURE activity. Why should OP be expected to work all week then not be allowed a family weekend because DH chooses to play with his mates and get p*ssed every weekend
Compromises need to be made now before this turns into a deep seated resentment that ruins a marriage. I take the point of the people who suggests OP does her own thing on Sunday but when does her dd get to be part if a family!
Your dh is being grossly unfair and selfish and his response is a bit alarming TBH. YANBU.
onceamai- I'm sure your marriage does work very well. Most people are happy to be married to someone who is happy to trail around after them, make his interests her interests and lead the cheer squad.
Well...its very hard, how long is the season? If it is not all year then it shouldn't be a problem as long as you get equal leisure time.
You have evenings together....my husband works very lonng hours and odd ones at that but we just make time to be together when we can..I do see your point but also see your husbands...why should he give his life up? Why should you?
Tbh sometimes it's a good thing to spend a little time apart.
Bagged and Tagged - I think the point is that we're a team and over twenty years have worked together to make happy home. I have supported his sport - he supported me being a SAHM for 8 years and then again when I went back to work and with a full time job and two children, gained professional, letters after the name, qualifications.
I'm a bit about his response, how childish!
I don't think you should stop him playing, but he doesn't NEED to do the post-match piss-up every week.
And yes, if he continues doing the cricket match every week then you must make sure you get some time to do what you want.
Every other week probably wouldn't work as wouldn't he lose his place on the team? He doesn't have to go out drinking afterwards every week though.
Bagged - that was a bit patronising and uncalled for.
Lots blokes play alternate weeks to suit work or family commitments. Perfectly possible.
Also sets sensible precedent for Sunday matches, chairmans game, charity matches, tours, floodlight matches, evening matches and all the other drinking opportunities /sporting events that can be invented.
And it may not be all year round, but it is generally the best bit of the year with chances to get out and about!
I can think of nothing worse than sitting on the side of a cricket pitch all afternoon every Saturday throughout summer. Oh, except making sandwiches for "the men," followed by doing the washing up, I suppose. All the while, supervising kids. And probably being theone to take them home and organise bedtime while DH gets pissed all evening.
Fortunately my DH is reasonable, and although he loves sport, made sure he picked those like squash which was an hour here and there. I can't believe that onceamai seriously believes that her friends' marriages broke up just because the wives didn't embrace cricket. FWIW, I can quote one where the wife did exactly all that cheerleading and tea-making; her DH went off with the wife of someone at the club. You can't generalise.
And re: the Holly's OP's massive over-reaction, just how does he think being expected to pull his weight within the family at weekends is her "being controlling?"
DH plays cricket as much as he can in summer - the seasons only 4 months - 6 weeks of that is the school summer holiday so he looks after dd during the week (teacher)
Don't be assuming there is post match piss up either - when they play at home the match won't finish til after 8 and then they have to tidy it all up so he doesn't get back til after 9 - when they go away to a local village it's about 9.30-10.
I think the starting point is that yes, you can't control each other so it needs to be about compromise - how about you reserve both mornings at the weekend for family time and you have Sunday afternoon/evening to do what you want to do?
That way both of your needs get satisfied.
And remember it's only one third of the year.
Obviously he over-reacted in a wanker-ish way but in my experience people really hate being (or thinking their being) controlled.
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