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an old 'friend's' comments

(25 Posts)
findingthisdifficult Mon 29-Nov-10 23:21:55

I put this in relationships - I just wanted a few more views so sorry if you read it twice (and sorry it's so long).

Hi, I had been friends with someone for 25 years since school. In the last few years I noticed our friendship had tailed off completely and I wasn't sure why.

I had my son 7 years ago and through a mix of very complicated circumstances I have brought him up alone since I was pregnant. This is by no means ideal but we are happy, self sufficient, I have a good job, nice house etc. Of course I would love that he had a relationship with his father but through many reasons this is not the case. I would also love to have a partner and haven't given up!

Since having my son, my friend had been very distant (she has 3 children) and I didn't know why. She lives some distance away and I was sad that we hardly ever saw each other - the last time was at my son's christening about 3 years ago.

I phoned her recently and asked her directly and she said that 'she didn't know what to tell her children about my son's father because I never talked about him' and felt that I must be bringing him up in an anti-male environment. This is totally untrue, I would like nothing better than my son has a father figure but feel that due to the complicated circumstances I don't discuss his father with many people. Of course to my son, I discuss what is appropriate to his age and to those friend's in my life who I am absolutely closest to (but she and I have lived miles apart for years and see each other infrequently and therefore not amongst my closest friends.)

She said she feels there is so much anti - male stuff nowadays...but I am not anti-male in any shape or form.

She then cited an incident at the christening when apparently a group of boys (including my son and one of hers) got overexcited and started saying 'we hate girls' as an example of me bringing him up in an anti male (although this of course makes no sense as that would be anti female!) environment.

as far as I can see my only 'crime' is to not to confide in her (and through her her children) about my son's father which I feel is totally personal to him, his father and me and to which she doesn't have the right to know. When I was pregnant I did try to brush off questions for the very reason that I felt my son should be the first to know and understand the situation before others and until he was old enough I only wanted to discuss his father with a very few people. I have also felt that by being neutral (instead of negative) I was bringing him up in a stable way,

I am very hurt by this but tried to explain as best I could and now all of a sudden she is inviting me to lunch, to stay etc etc having avoided me for 7 years without telling me why.

findingthisdifficult Mon 29-Nov-10 23:25:11


DioneTheDiabolist Mon 29-Nov-10 23:28:02

It sounds as if there was miscommunication which was rectified when you called her.
So do you want her back in your life?

MerrilyDefective Mon 29-Nov-10 23:28:25

So,when your son was four years old he and some other boys said they hated girls?

All little boys do this.

Little girls 'hate' boys.

You sound like you're doing it right but perhaps give her a chance as she sounds like she's trying to make ammends.

findingthisdifficult Mon 29-Nov-10 23:31:29

MerrilyDefective it was that comment about hating girls that bothered me most about what she said because she said that she'd never encountered it before (despite having 3 kids herself). I know he and his friends were just highly over excited and found it really unfair that she used that as an example

MummieDeckTheHallsOutHunnie Mon 29-Nov-10 23:31:57

I can't stop laughing is she serious? for goodness sake, she has got to be using that as a VERY weak excuse to hide what the real issue is, she is probably hacked off you have a child now and her kids won't inherit your nice house!

MadamDeathstare Mon 29-Nov-10 23:31:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTTMummA Mon 29-Nov-10 23:33:01

She sounds like she is making excuses for being pissed off at you for not spilling it all about your DS's father.
It's natural to be curious etc but she should just respect your stance on this.
If she is still funny next time, tell her you don't need that kind of bother, and don't phone her again.

MummieDeckTheHallsOutHunnie Mon 29-Nov-10 23:33:09

Was joking about the house thing! have a nice lunch with her x

findingthisdifficult Mon 29-Nov-10 23:38:00

thing is I can't get over what she said. I feel it is my business, my son's and his father's and whoever my son (when he is older) chooses to tell. I don't feel I should feel obligated to confide. I have always been a very private person and can see no good when people's relationships break down and they feel so down they confide in everyone.

Of course everyone is different but I like to keep things to myself. From this I presume she has concluded I either got pregnant deliberately and didn't tell the father or similar which is totally untrue (hence the anti male comments)

findingthisdifficult Mon 29-Nov-10 23:40:28

OTTMummA yes I think that is exactly what it is but not sure think she has moralistic view and has convinced herself that I'm not letting his father in his life (again untrue).

thesecondcoming Mon 29-Nov-10 23:46:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mspontipine Mon 29-Nov-10 23:51:32

OMG findingthisdifficult your post freaked me well out - I had to check a couple of times this wasn't an old post of mine grin

Our circumstances and views on it them are amazingly similar.

The only ones whose business this is is yours and your ds's (and possibly ds's father) I had a similar row - and I mean stand up yelling and shaking row (sudden out of nowhere) also with an equally close friend over this matter - with her also saying she didn't know what to say to her dcs.

(No accusations of anti-male household however)

WTF It is none of their business!! It was up to her to explain to her children - and of course she must have known other families where dads were not always/ever around.

But yes the thing that bothered me was why did it bother her so much - t'was most strange and hard to understand it was my life and personal business - not her problem - not her life - a friendship is not built on the currency of traded personal information.

Our row blew over. She's been daft and out of order. Sometimes when we have children our perspectives and beliefs change too sometimes leading to changing friendships. Though sad you may have outgrown this friendship or you may be able to return to you former closeness but not by you having to give away any part of you or your ds that you don't want to.

You're doing the right thing.
We both are wink

findingthisdifficult Mon 29-Nov-10 23:52:27

no of course I have discussed my child's father with him but not with everyone and yes she is a friend of 25 years but lives miles away and I don't see her often

findingthisdifficult Mon 29-Nov-10 23:57:15

Mspontipine - that is my view - that friendships aren't always based on the trading of information. Some things are private for a reason. There are other things (far less personal) that I don't share - such as my wages etc. But this is something I thought long and hard about and decided not to share.

I feel she has convinced herself I am doing some bloke wrong but I'm not I just don't choose to share

findingthisdifficult Tue 30-Nov-10 00:01:34

and yes she must have seen other families that are lone parents etc as she is a teacher (which is actually quite worrying in itself).

I thought I didn't want to lose her as a friend but now don't see how I can get over the fact that she has judged me and decided on her and her family's superiority.

Mspontipine Tue 30-Nov-10 00:04:12

Our dss are still so little at the moment but they are the ones who deserve to hear the full story first. When they are older and know everything I think things will seem simpler.
My view is I just never wanted anyone to know any more information on this than my ds himself. My worst case scenario was if I did tell one person, they tell another, before I know it it's public knowledge and poor ds is stood in the playground one day and kids are there saying they know stuff about his dad and he doesn't. That would be the worst so I have done all I can to ensure this doesn't happen. I also tell my ds what is age appropriate for now. And everyone else gets nothing.

Mspontipine Tue 30-Nov-10 00:05:26

Fuck em

Mspontipine Tue 30-Nov-10 00:07:01

Didn't mean that last comment! blush

Mspontipine Tue 30-Nov-10 00:08:37

Realised that was my implied tone at the end of my longer post!! But no didn't mean that. As soon as I tried to post it t'interweb threw me out - thought I'd broken Mumsnet!!

Night now

soggy14 Tue 30-Nov-10 00:10:58

findingthisdifficult I had a similar experience with a friend and a difficult circumstance for me. I did not want to talk to anyone except dh about this circumstance so I didn't. Eventually this friend turned up on our doorstep, practically forced her way in and demanded that I tell her what was going on. She really could not cope with the fact that I didn't want to tell her about it. Her idea of close friends was that you confided everythign and her reaction to my not wanting to was similar to that which I'd expect dh to have if I had an affair. Maybe your friend is like this?

findingthisdifficult Tue 30-Nov-10 00:13:25

that is exactly how I feel. Imagine if I had discussed with her and she would obv have seen fit to discuss with her kids and then they would have known things that my DS didn't because he wasn't old enough.

sometimes I wish people would have their superior bubble burst and see how others experience life

MsKalo Tue 30-Nov-10 00:14:38

She has been a twat - maybe you can give her a chance but the fact is she never spoke to you, just made stupid assumptions - I mean FFS! How old is she?! Acting like a child and hasnt shown you any respect as a friend by making her stupid assumptions.

Jumpty Tue 30-Nov-10 01:45:48

This is the problem with trying to get issues out into the open - sometimes it doesn't help because what comes out isn't very nice. Now she might feel the situation is rectified and she's ready to move on but you're just going through the hurt of finding out what was bothering her. One of my friends from school let me down when we were living together in uni and although we didn't fall out, we didn't see each other for the next few years as I moved away. Later, she apologised for being an arse and said she had intentionally tried to hurt me because of some other thing (which I can't actually remember now). I was shocked. I knew she'd been an arse but I didn't realise it was on purpose. I'm afraid that killed it for me. We don't live near each other so it's just not been worth the effort for me to keep up the friendship but if we had lived closer I might have tried. I guess you need to think about how important she is or could be in your life and whether you can get over this. YANBU.

OTTMummA Tue 30-Nov-10 11:04:23

You need to let her know that the information she wants to know isn't really yours to give out, that you feel like you would be doing something wrong telling anyone about it, and let her know that only your DS knows, and thats the way it will be until he chooses otherwise.
She also needs to be told that not everything is as it appears and she should respect your choice on the matter.
If she feels like she can't respect that, then i would let the friendship go.

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