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after school clubs....

(6 Posts)
macdoodle Mon 29-Nov-10 20:33:45

My DD1 (age 9) has been doing an after school acitivity since she was 5. She loves it and is pretty good, competing nationally. The club has always been quite laid back, and she loves her coach, her coach has always seemed fond of her, enthusiastic and happy when she does well.

Tonight, head coach asks to have a word. Apparantly, they have had some problems with the girls picking on the boys, and telling them its an activity just for girls, there have been tears. DD1 has not said a word to me about it.

She then goes on to say that the supposed ringleader is the daughter of my DD1's coach. She is a year or 2 older but doesnt compete at the same level as my DD1. BUT that this child has implicated my DD1 saying she told her to do it and basically starting it and egging them all on. This does not sound like DD1 at all. I am well aware of her faults but this s not one of them.

Just to muddy the waters, she also mentions that her coach has been having some problems with her being boisterous and cheeky - now this I can believe and sounds just like DD1! But funnily has never been mentioned as an issue before.

She says they have dealt with it, but she hasnt spoken to DD1 and doesnt intend to. But could I have a quiet word with her about excluding and picking on other children.

I am a bit cross TBH. The 2 issues to my mind are 2 seperate issues, but bringing them up together means its hard for me to deal with either of them properly. I am worried that DD1's coach has been influenced by her daughter's allegations, and has now brought up the behaviour issues. I am worried it will affect their previously excellent relationship and DD1's enjoyment of her activity.

I have spoken to DD1 tonight, she was totally shocked by the allegations that she may have been involved (if not the ringleader) of the bullying and adamantly denied it. But not in an overdefensive way. I believe her, she is not a natural liar and will usually just spill the beans when she knows she is in the wrong. Of course, because they have "dealt with it", she hasnt actually had her say or a chance to defend herself, but I think she has been scapegoated and labelled the ringleader now

The behaviour issues were easier but muddied by the other issue. She and I are aware she can be a bit hyper and cheeky. We have discussed that her coach is like a teacher and should be respected as such and her behaviour toned down. She has apologised and promised to try.

Do I mention this all to the coach now, she kind of implied it was all over now.

macdoodle Mon 29-Nov-10 20:40:24

So I guess AIBU for being cross, and AIBU for wanting to talk to the coach even though she seems to feel it has been dealt with??

prettyfly1 Mon 29-Nov-10 20:45:46

Hi Mac - how you doing????

Sorry to hear you are having some problems with your girl. I am dealing with something similiar with my son at the moment and have just decided that rather then demand apology for bullying etc I have had a stern talk about respecting other peoples feelings, and how jokes to one person can be hurtful to another. Kids are prone to pointing the finger at one another and with no proof either way the coach cant expect you to wade in like a bat out of hell carrying fire and brimstone.

Hope she still goes - it is great she has an activity she loves and it would be a shame if it were to be ruined.

Goblinchild Mon 29-Nov-10 20:47:21

The teacher asked you to have a quiet word and you are cross?
Your hyper and cheeky DD might not have seen her possible behaviour as dominant and controlling, others may have a different perspective.
better a quiet discussion with her than for it to become more formal and involving other adults.
She may be absolutely blameless, but are you not ebven prepared to consider otherwise?

macdoodle Mon 29-Nov-10 20:53:23

I am absolutely prepared to accept otherwise.
But she has been judged and found guilty without even getting a chance to know what she was accused of and defend herself.
She said if I asked the boy who was upset he would say it wasnt her that they were friends. But of course that isnt an option, now is it, as the coaches have decided that it my daughter at fault rather than a coach's child.
They have essentially told me that they believe it was her, but without discussing it with her, and asking me to "sort her out", and I am worried how this affects her future in the club now and her future at a sport she loves.
I would prefer if it had been dealt with formally/properly rather than all this cloak and dagger stuff.

LaWeaselMys Mon 29-Nov-10 21:06:36

I think what the coach has done is fair enough. She doesn't want to do anything formally as that would single your DD out when it is a he said she said situation about whether she was actually involved.

There is no harm in having a chat about being respectful of people's feelings either way.

You are over-reacting IMO.

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