to think hubby should have cut short his bender

[fayc84]

My husband left the house at 4.30am on Wednesday for a three-day course in Birmingham for work. Fair enough. He decided to follow that up with a three-night boozing session with his brother and former flatmate in Leeds (we live in Fife, Scotland, so a wee way away). I was a little put out that he was going to be away for five nights but I'm 14wks pg and have been so tired and sick I thought it was fair enough that he should get some time away to have some fun.

While he was at the course my morning sickness went from constant nausea to not being able to keep down any food or much in the way of fluids. I lost 5lbs in the space of two days. I spoke to hubby on the phone so he knew I was ill and considering calling the hospital as I was concerned about throwing up even water but there was no offer to miss his boys' weekend.

I started to feel slightly better so did a spot of Christmas shopping on Saturday but slipped on the snow and sprained my ankle really badly. I have been unable to walk for the whole weekend and now snowed in with pretty much no food in the house. The vomiting hasn't really got much better.

I was in tears on the phone to hubby on Saturday because my foot was so sore and there was no heat or power thanks to powercut. His response was I should phone my dad who lives over an hour away to bring me a tubigrip or drive me back to parents' house. No offer of coming home even a day early. Now it looks like he may well be stranded or at least very late with train disruption due to snow. I still can't get out of the house, though am hobbling about inside alright.

So am I being unreasonable to think he should have at least offered to cut his three-day bender short to take care of his ill, injured, pregnant wife, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?

[OnlyWantsOne]

honestly, I know this is not what you want to hear, and he does seem to be an unhelpful tit, but what help can he give you that you cant get at home? At least he's out having fun now, rather than the week before you are due.


Im sorry you've been so ill, are you keeping water down? Have you spoken to MW?


O, and I would feel exactly the same as you...

[MmeLindt]

Is he always like this?

He sounds very selfish.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

YANBU, but, like oWO pointed out, what help can he give you?
IIWY, I would contact my midwife and ask for some antiemetic.
Have you tried eating ice lollies or soup? I know it's not really the weather for lollies but they may stay down longer.

[fayc84]

I wouldn't say he's always like this but it has happened a couple of times recently and I'm getting worried that when baby comes along it will all be left to me (like most of the housework is at the moment, but that's just a general moan lol). He was out last Friday and Saturday night too then went to the gym on Monday while I made his dinner so I feel like I've not seen him in ages.

I don't know what I would expect him to do if he was here. He could walk to the shop and get me hula hoops at least :) Think I'm just feeling miserable at being stuck home alone for so long. I don't have any friends or family through here as I moved from the other side of Scotland to live with him (but that's a whole other thread).

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Can you do an online shop and have it delivered? All the things you fancy could arrive at your door.
I am sorry, I left England before internet supermarket shopping was invented.

[spidookly]

What he could have done:

1 kept you company, you are lonely and unwell

2 held your hand, he is meant to love you

3 got in food, you are immobile

4 taken responsibility for his own family, looking after you is not your Dad's job

5 done ALL the housework, you are not up to doing your share

6 made you feel important, you are pregnant with his child

He is an utter failure as a husband and father to be.

If this is an indication (and it is) of how things will be in the future you'll be better off without him.

I would ask him not to bother coming home until he rearranged his priorities to recognise he's not the centre of the fucking universe.

[OnlyWantsOne]

well maybe she should demand a divorce as soon as he gets back ... no?

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Two whole other threads - one about him not doing any housework and one about you moving away from your family/friends to be with him?

I'd be deeply, deeply worried about this man and what support he's going to be to you and your baby.

You need to sort this out right now - before the baby comes along.

You have married a boy not a man.

[spidookly]

No, not a divorce - a renegotiation of their relationship.

And this needs to be done right now, as Because points out.

The only way it becomes divorce is if he refuses to stop acting like a child.

Which presumably he won't, because if he did he'd be an utterly worthless human being.

[fayc84]

He works hard in a responsible job and I know he's tired at night so avoids housework and likes to unwind at the weekend. There's nothing wrong with that. But I also work full time and do get annoyed at being left with the brunt of the chores. I think most couples/families have these niggles so I wouldn't be divorcing him for that. The same with the moving thing; I'm sure lots of people do that for their partner. I was just having a wee bit of a miserable moan about being isolated, but it's not usually a problem because they're only 60-90 minutes drive away.

I will have a proper chat with him about feeling a bit abandoned and needing a bit more support when (if) he gets back.

I was really just wondering if others would have expected their partner to come home early if they got sick and ended up housebound while alone. I would've felt guilty at him losing money on hotel he'd paid for and missing out on time away with his brother and friend so I guess IABU because he couldn't really win.

[expatinscotland]

Everyone 'works hard'. Everyone is tired.

That's just no excuse for not doing one's fair share in a family he/she chose to create.

'I was really just wondering if others would have expected their partner to come home early if they got sick and ended up housebound while alone.'

Um, yes. Why? Because I wouldn't think twice about cancelling a drinking binge because my spouse fell ill. Duh!

If this is how he treats you now, imagine yourself in he same situation, pregnant again, with a toddler to look after as well?

Yeah, you need to chat with him now, to say the least.

[mummytoatribe]

Is the issue that he didnt come home, or that he just didnt offer?

I would have appreciated him saying "OK, I will try and get a train back asap" and then I would have thought about it and probably said he was ok to stay. But the fact that he hadnt even thought to offer would upset me, as if I wasnt as important as his piss up.

With the housework thing, if you both work full time then you need to share the chores, otherwise it doesnt bode well at all for the future.

Will you be going back to work after the baby comes? So doing all of the chores, working FT and probably doing all of the childcare too. Some serious renegotiation is required, NOW!

[spidookly]

"He works hard in a responsible job and I know he's tired at night so avoids housework and likes to unwind at the weekend. There's nothing wrong with that."

There's plenty wrong with it.

He isn't "avoiding" doing work, he's just leaving it for you to do.

It's a perfectly reasonable thing to divorce someone for - refusing to do your fair share of household work is unreasonable behaviour. It's one of the most common relationship problems and is utterly corrosive to respect and love.

Everything you write screams that the one thing you two have in common is that you both agree that he is more important than you.

You felt it was "fair enough" that he leave you when you are pregnant and unwell because apparently it's "important" for him to have fun (at your expense).

You think it is reasonable for him to leave you to do all the housework because he has a "responsible" job - but you are now responsible for your work AND the housework because his job is so HARD.

You moved to be with him and are isolated and his response to that is to fuck off for the best part of a week during terrible weather, when you are pregnant. Then when he finds out you have injured yourself and are trapped in the house with no food, his response is that YOUR DAD should drive across Scotland to help you.

Because you are NOT HIS PROBLEM. You are there to service his needs. But when you have needs your Dad has to meet them, because his fun is more important.

What an utter knob jockey.

This is not "bit chat" where you ask him to support you more. This is "up your game, or I'm gone, sunshine" time.

[OnlyWantsOne]

You felt it was "fair enough" that he leave you when you are pregnant and unwell because apparently it's "important" for him to have fun (at your expense).


How is it at her expense?

Does it not seem to be a set of bad circumstances, which equally could have changed by the time he got home, if the OP wanted her DH home, and had called him and said "Please come home, I am ill and need you to look after me" and he still hadnt come then it would be different.

And all this business about moving for him is utter bull shit. You either love each other and want to be with him, you cant hold things like moving for him against him. If you didnt want to move, or it made you unhappy, you shouldnt have moved. End of. If you're not happy then move back.

[Sandinmyshoes]

Did you ask him to come home?

If you did and he refused then yanbu, but if you didn't ask and are expecting him to read between the lines and rush to your side... might be being a bit unrealistic/romantic in your view? He should have come home to you, but some men just need more explicit instructions than others...

[fayc84]

I'm upset he didn't at least think to suggest coming home I guess. Yesterday I told him he had some serious making up to do when he got back and he said 'why' and seemed genuinely shocked. I asked if it hadn't crossed his mind to come back and make sure I'm alright and then he halfheartedly said 'well, do you want me to see how much it will be to get the train?'. I said 'no, I would not ask you to do that, but it would've been nice for you to offer'. His response was that he didn't realise I needed him because I'm always sick these days. There was no further offer to come home.

I was just so angry/upset and wanted to vent but now I feel I'm defending him because he seems to be getting a real slating. I'm sure I'm making him out to sound much worse than he is and he'd be so hurt if he saw this.

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking he's been really selfish and I do plan to address it now as I know it needs sorted before we have a baby to care for as well.

[spidookly]

"if you didn't ask and are expecting him to read between the lines and rush to your side"

Hang on there a minute. Back up to the "get your father to deal with it" turnpike.

This man KNEW she needed help. He just didn't see why HE (her husband and the father of the child she's carrying) should provide it.

"How is it at her expense?"

It's at her expense because she

1 is unwell

2 doesn't know many people where they live

3 the weather was dreadful, and was forecast as such a week in advance

"And all this business about moving for him is utter bull shit. You either love each other and want to be with him, you cant hold things like moving for him against him. If you didnt want to move, or it made you unhappy, you shouldnt have moved. End of. If you're not happy then move back."

No, THAT is an utter load of of shit. A decision for one person to move so a couple can stay together is a joint decision, and one both people need to take responsibility for.

If someone you love moves to be with you, you are kind to them and recognise the fact that if you leave them for ages they will be alone. That means that after a business trip you don't decide to fuck off boozing for 3 extra days. It means if you are away having fun and they end up needing you, you come home to them.

It's not "holding it against him" for her to expect him to act like she matters.

[spidookly]

"he didn't realise I needed him because I'm always sick these days."

Jesus.

[nomoreheels]

Well put Spidookly.

My DP enjoys a night out, but whenever I've been ill or struggling, he would come home in a flash, without asking. (Unless a bit of a nice chat was all I needed, in which case I'd honestly tell him it was ok to stay out.)

I am nearly 14 wks P now and he's upped his game - going above and beyond to look after me when I need it. In return, when I'm having a good day I do my best to look after him.

It's called caring about your partner.

[cherrybea]

If that had been my dh he would have made the time to see his family/mates during the three-day course if that was possible and come back asap whether I was pg or not. Trust me, it gets harder when the baby is here or your pg with dc2. Nip this in the bud now!

He should be doing the majority of housework, cooking his own meals and letting you sleep on the settee and watch tv/read/MN etc... You should be enjoying and relaxing as much as possible in your first pg because this is going to be the last time you'll be able to for a while.

[Niceguy2]

OK, first of all I don't think you are being unreasonable. BUT....the male mind works differently.

We tend to focus on problems & answers. If there's an answer, problem is solved....next issue please.

So when you told your hubby you were ill and considering calling the hospital what he heard was that there is an answer to the problem. He did not cause the illness, nor can he prescribe medication to stop the feeling of being ill. Ergo no action is needed from him.

You then felt well enough to go christmas shopping. In a man's eyes, this means you are fully well. Otherwise if you are ill, why are you shopping? You slipped. Again he did not cause this, he could not have forseen this. So he won't think that this is his fault. Ditto with power cut.

He suggested calling your dad because logically he is closer. Tubigrip will sort the problem out. Him coming home won't help sorting the heating out. So again, no action on his part can help.

So all the women who are saying what he coulda/shoulda done are missing the point. That is the male mind works differently. It's not that he doesn't care, we just work with problems and solutions. We don't waste time worrying about problems we cannot fix or that have not happened.

Yes, from a female perspective I can understand the need for emotional support etc. but in practice it rarely enters our mind.

[girlafraid]

Interesting polarised opinions. I honestly think his behaviour would be OK if you were happy with it

but you're not.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with DH going on a 3 day bender full stop cause that's just not the way I want my DH to behave (I wouldn't do it either) but relationships work in all sorts of different ways and if it works then fine. This isn't.

My friend's DH goes "out" every other weekend clubbing and taking drugs while she stays at home looking after the children. They both work in the week. She puts up with it but I don't think it makes her very happy - is that the life you want?

[TooImmature2BMum]

Have read this out to DH. He said he would have suggested I call my mum in similar situation (she lives about an hour and a half away) for immediate assistance such as tubigrip/food/warm house, but would have offered to come home. However, he would have been hoping I said no, Mum would do! Hmm. To be fair, I would probably have been on the phone to Mum the instant I sprained my ankle, or if not then, when the heating packed in, begging to be taken home to nice warm house and lots of pampering!

[ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers]

YANBU

I agree with everything Spidookly has said.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Everything that Spidookly said.

Most couples do not have housework etc issues. Some do, but that isn't a reason to just put with it. You are working fulltime AND pregnant and sick with it. He should be doing as much of the domestic stuff as possible AND looking after you.

Why should you work fulltime and do all the chores while he gets to 'unwind'.

If DH had been away on a bender and I was feeling ill and had injured myself, he would come back immediately because he loves me and cares about me. My parents live half an hour away, but it wouldn't occur to him to say I should get them to come and help me instead - he would only do that if he was away with work and couldn't get back.