to think that some women collude in the infantilization of men and to wonder ^why?^

[seeker]

There are SOOOO many threads along the lines of "Where do you buy your dp's clothes?" "Oh, I never take dp shopping with me""What shall I cook for the freezer for dp to eat while I'm having the baby"


WHY????????????

[sockapoodle]

God knows, however I will ocasionally buy mine clothes as i have better taste he's just not interested and I see something that would look nice on him. But that's more of a gift than doing it for him.

[hairytriangle]

some people are co-erced into it, and it creeps up on them.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

I agree, but even when the buggers know how to do it, they opt out.

I'm teaching DS to be able to do it all for himself and also to know that it's not someone's JOB to do it for him.

Bless him, he's always wanting to do stuff with me to help, and I let him, I hope that this will mean that he is a full partner for someone in the future.

My BIL is a great role model, so I'll be holding him up as the one to watch

[classydiva]

Just because you dont do things the same as othes doesnt make it wrong.

Each to their own, no need to undermine how others live their lives.

[Actuallawyer]

I buy my DH's clothes. I go into shops, he doesn't, I quite like shopping, he doesn't - it's efficient. On the other hand, he does all the food shopping and cooking. I wouldn't be happy if he didn't contribute equally or was wholly dependent on me.

[emptyshell]

Buying him clothes is often the only way I'll get him not to look like a scarecrow!

He falls back into the helpless little baby mode when his mother's around particularly - which drives me bloody nuts. Oh and when he's ill... posted before that he threw up when ill the other day and just lay there, ringing me on my mobile phone to clear it up because he "didn't know what to dooo".

[Hassledge]

It beats the hell out of me - all this bollocks "he can't help being crap at X, Y and Z; he's a man". It drives me insane.

I don't think it's a power thing. I think it comes from the days you couldn't just walk away, when divorce was scandalous and shameful. So you had years and years of women being conditioned to make excuses because it's the only way they could cope with the fact that they were married to a bone idle wanker - if you can convince yourself it's not his fault that he's a wanker, you can sort of forgive him for it.

[seeker]

"Just because you dont do things the same as othes doesnt make it wrong."

Actually, in this case it does!

[hairytriangle]

LOL loving the 'bone idle wanker' comment Hassledge. I realise now, after the fact that that is what my ex was, although he made out it was to do with being depressed. It's part of the reason I left.

I did 98% of everything to do with eating, cooking, shopping, fetching, carrying, washing, ironing, prescriptions, doctor's appointments,bills etc as well as working full time (he was too ill to work).

Eventually, I realised he'd ground me down over the years. And the turning point for me was that I realised he was quite happy for me to do everything, work myself into the ground and still complain at me!

Quite the opposite with my current dp tho :)

[seeker]

"Buying him clothes is often the only way I'll get him not to look like a scarecrow!
"

So let him look like a scarecrow then!

[Fernie3]

I agree its ridiculous. I come from a very traditional family and all of the men from my grandad who was born early 20th century down to my husband and hopefully my son are fully capable of dressing and cooking for themselves. My grandad used to do sunday dinner every week until he became too ill in his late 80s it was he said my grandmothers day to relax.

I do most of the cooking as i am home but last week for example i was ill so my husband did it no problem. I don't get people who look after their husbands to this extent i think mine would be insulted!

[Malificence]

{blush]
Actually my DH wouldn't have the slightest clue about anything financial in our house, but I don't see that as infantalising him , it's not like he can't do these things, it's more that I've always done them because of his working away/weird shifts/me being at home a lot more than he is.
I created a folder on the computer with a list of accounts/insurances/passwords etc. because if I died tomorrow, he wouldn't know any details at all, he's not interested because he trusts me to handle everything - I could have squirrelled thousands away in an offshore account for all he knows

And yes, I am a bit of a control freak, I also book holidays and stuff without telling him.

Some of the drivel that's written on here about men beggars belief - they "can't help themselves" where sex/cheating is concerned is the most insidious and damaging one, they can't talk about feelings etc. is another - only when they are immature and dysfunctional fuck-ups!!!

[YuleBeLucky]

I agree with you, OP.

So many men seem to have be additional children for their wives to look after. Absolutely pathetic, imo. And just perpetuating that dynamic for their sons and daughters.

[Hassledge]

Yes, I made all sorts of excuses for my first H: he can't help being incapable of housework, his Mum did it all for him; he can't help being self-centred, it's how he was brought up.

And then I realised that actually, my Mum did all the housework too and I was self-centred too before I had kids, but I changed and tried to learn stuff. Basically I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone else that I'd made a mistake in marrying him. And I think that shame/fear is why so many women still make endless excuses or infantilise their partners.

[Gay40]

I find it irritating, pathetic and very sad.
This is often why I have no patience with women who bleat on with "oh he never helps with the baby". HELPS????????
These will be the same women who criticise the way he puts on a nappy or an outfit that isn't the one she'd put on.
For christ's sake.
Stop treating your men like helpless babies, and you'll stop being surprised when it goes tits up. Have a standard from Day 1 and stick to it, or make a rod for your own back but don't bloody moan about it on here.

[YuleBeLucky]

excuse my shit typing

[Gay40]

DD's father is a single man who lives on his own. Hopefully DD is getting the message that men are not a helpless species to be looked after and dressed.

[GiraffeYoga]

"Buying him clothes is often the only way I'll get him not to look like a scarecrow!
"

"So let him look like a scarecrow then!

Exactly- surely he was a scarecrow that you met and agreed to be in a partnership with? Surely you are just trying to change him by buying clothes for him?

If he cared that he had no ability to buy decent stuff he could ask for advice via internet etc..... maybe that is the case though....

[LoudRowdyDuck]

I really agree.

I also hate the idea that if a man looks badly dressed, or whatever, it's his wife's fault. My mum actually ticks me off if DH is wearing holey socks. My dad virtually never shops for clothes on his own, doesn't especially like what my mum buys for him - but will only grumble about it, never change it himself.

[YuleBeLucky]

Imagine if your husband said the same about you?'I have to buy her dresses for her, otherwise she'd look like a right tramp'.

[hairytriangle]

It is irritating, pathetic and sad.

but I am not a sad person, I just ended up in that situation, and lost all ability to be assertive about it, because my 'buttons' were pressed. It's very strange to look back at my old self, because I am a very assertive and capable person (CEO at work).

Yes I should have been able not to get myself into that situation, but when you're abused and threatened and emotionally blackmailed every time you try to assert yourself, it's very difficult.

[GiraffeYoga]

Yule- you are exactly right. Grounds for separation if thats what my DH said.

Although- I guess he might think it, he just doesnt say