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To expect DS1 to send DS2 a bday card

(22 Posts)
JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 17:42:04

DS1 went off to Uni in Sept, it was DS2's 11th bday in the beginning of Oct and I packed a bday card, with a stamp on and said "he will be missing you, please dont forget to post the card". Then I texted him 3 days before DS2's bday and reminded him to post it. He didn't.

It's DS1's bday today and, of course, we all sent cards. I haven't said anything but I just think it's a bit mean that he couldn't be arsed to pop it in a postbox.

DS2 didn't remark on it so it is just me.

badfairy Sat 27-Nov-10 17:46:02

It's mean but it's also men. My DH wouldn't ever remember to send his younger brother a birthday card if I didn't remind him. And he's 39! Having said that he isn't really bothered if said younger brother forgets his either so I suppose it just depends on their relationship.

bna Sat 27-Nov-10 17:46:48

YANBU I remember when my brother went to uni, I really missed him and was very upset when he didn't do anything to acknowledge my birthday

JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 17:51:25

It's true that it's men I think. I remember getting my ex-MIL's bday cards and had to almost pull his teeth out to get ex-DH to sign it. If I wasn't there to buy it, put it under his nose and then post it, forget it.

Maybe men don't care about cards?

Greenwing Sat 27-Nov-10 17:56:23

Thank you for making me feel better - happened to me too.

My DS1 went to Uni this Sept too.
My birthday was a few days later and I got nothing, despite my DH reminding him several times. He claimed he send a card without a stamp on it (liar, liar, pants on fire) and then sent an email a few days later.

My DH was not amused and I was a bit hurt, although not entirely surprised. We did imagine how busy he was having this new experience with all the partying of Freshers' Week (although I did hope I had raised a son to be a bit more thoughtful ... fond delusions of a parent).

Nevertheless, for HIS birthday in November my DH drove all the way to see him the weekend before (3 hours drive there), he took him his presents, took him out for dinner and to a comedy gig, not to mention cleaning the kitchen of his student flat and doing everyone's washing up!!!

Just two weeks after this his little brother had his 10th birthday. We couldn't believe it. Again there was no card and no present despite the fact that DH had been up to see him AND had reminded him on Facebook. He did, however, manage to phone him up. Something at least.

He is going to learn the meaning of 'you reap what you sow' as DH is inclined to be significantly less generous to him at Christmas and in discussions about his overdraft in the New Year and beyond. Ah well. At least he is not raiding the kitchen at 1am any more leaving us without bread or milk for breakfast.

huddspur Sat 27-Nov-10 18:17:07

YANBU when I went to uni I still bought my sisters and brother bday cards and presents.

JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 18:18:43

Greenwing - My DS1 is exactly the same. It is his 20th today and I made sure he had his bday money in time, cards posted in good time - just like you are supposed to. I tried calling him at lunchtime, being realistic, to wish him Happy Birthday, no response. I ended up texting at 5pm "just let me know you are OK" - nothing.

He did call DS2 on his bday and, to be fair, DS2 wasn't bothered by lack of a card. But I put it in his bag - with a stamp. How hard is it to find a postbox?

He can get in touch soon enough when he wants something. It is making me feel a bit more hard hearted towards him which I don't like. If he misses my bday I will be angry. Or am I just fixated on cards? Maybe to blokes a phone call is better than a card, and perhaps they are right.

Oh, and I am sooo relieved not to have the 12 - 2am eating anymore, we actually have "duck bread" now and have had to alter the milk delivery. And no hoards of teenaged boys roaming around my house whilst I am in my nightie!

JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 18:25:28

I hate to go into an "ee bye gum, we had it tough" rant - but...I went to Uni in 1987 well before facebook, email or mobiles.

I was 18 and my parents were abroad. I didn't see them for 7 months and happily sent them proper letters which entailed buying paper, envelopes, pens and a stamp, writing it and posting it. The thought of DS1 doing that is totally laughable.

But I am female, is that the difference?

hairytriangle Sat 27-Nov-10 18:29:26

1. he's a man
2. he's a student

give him a break. You can't mother him like this now tht he's an adult.

posey Sat 27-Nov-10 18:36:29

It is a shame and I feel for your ds2 but I'm not that sure that that generation do cards.
Dd and most of her friends don't exchange cards, just a small present (she says they'd rather spend the money on something that's keepable/usable - a nail varnish often costs the same as a card).
I didn't get a card at my birthday, just a present.

I know you got it, stamped it etc, reminded him...and he should have made the effort this time...I think we as parents (mums) are more bothered than the kids.

JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 18:37:50

hairytriangle (love the name!) - you are right in part, I suppose I am trying to control him with regard to this from afar.

But I thought I had instilled better bahviour in him. I haven't said anything to him.

cumfy Sat 27-Nov-10 18:39:00

I packed a bday card, with a stamp on

I sense you saw this coming!

hairytriangle Sat 27-Nov-10 18:44:25

I know it's frustrating, but he is a young man, probably has all sorts of hormones going on and is in teenage 'selfish' mode, ie: not even thinking about others!

Even if you have instilled fantastic values in him, this phase is all about him being him, and independent.

JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 18:45:55

cumfy - I certainly did. I thought about addressing it too!

Posey - I think you have hit the nail on the head. DS1 isn't bothered about cards himself, although I cannot bring myself not to buy him one. To me, that is a big message to someone - "I don't care about you".

Yes, I was hurt FOR my DS2, and he wasn't bothered. Was happy with the phone call. I think it's a generational/gender thing.

As a Mum I would be happy with a dandelion from the garden and a spoken "Happy Birthday Mum".

glittershoes Sat 27-Nov-10 19:04:36

I think the whole 'he's a man' is just making an excuse for him. I am female and I don't care much for cards but the people I love do. So I send them ones for birthdays. It isn't about what he likes, it is about him thinking what would matter to you on your birthday.

For me at least, I would be upset that he had been so selfish and thoughtless. So no YANBU!

JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 19:35:30

Well - I have finally heard from him. 6pm on his bday he came up on MSN and said he had a massive hangover and had only just woke up!

JJ17 Sat 27-Nov-10 19:44:45

glittershoes - but how many blokes do you know who are as scrupulous as us about cards - without a woman behind them orchestrating the show?

I know one.

mumeeee Sat 27-Nov-10 19:50:21

It's not just men it's young people at uni. They have a lot of other stuff to think about.
DD2 often forgets to send cards on time but she does usually send them in the end. She did phone her sister on her 18th birthday though. Also I know DD2 would have been offended if I packed a birthday card for her to send.

ItalianLady Sat 27-Nov-10 19:51:47

Oh great, another "it's men" comment like they are not capable. They are just as capable as women, they just make different choices.

badfairy Sat 27-Nov-10 20:08:23

ItalianLady...No one was saying that men are not capable, but IME it is true that they give less thought to certain things, it doesn't make them less able in anyway just different and at times frustrating. Whether it be making decisions, not seeing or worrying about mess, or not sending birthday cards just because as you say they choose to avoid certain doesn't make it any less annoying ! wink

Dansmommy Sat 27-Nov-10 20:18:36

But...he phoned? He called his little brother and wished him a nice day? That's wonderful, I bet your DS2 was well pleased. If someone was so controlling they had bought and packed a card and a stamp for me to send, I wouldn't have posted it either! He's 20. He should have been choosing his own cards for at least the last 5 years now. Relax a bit.

tyler80 Sat 27-Nov-10 20:30:01

I think it's unreasonable to expect him to attach the same significance to cards as you do.

I don't, as a rule, send cards. I don't think I've ever sent a card to either of my siblings. I'd far rather spend an extra few quid on a present than 3 quid on a card which will be chucked in a week.

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