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me or him-who's being unreasonable (i think i can take it)

(75 Posts)
thesecondcoming Sat 27-Nov-10 10:18:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci Sat 27-Nov-10 10:26:46

TSC - you know you're not being unreasonable. I expect your DH knows it too... x

thesecondcoming Sat 27-Nov-10 10:30:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci Sat 27-Nov-10 10:34:12

I know he isn't (from what you've said before). I doubt he understands, really, how very limiting it is. Having said that, I'm sure you can make him understand!

I have no experience of bf-ing as my colustrum ran out in hospital on first day so DD (nearly wrote her name because I'm talking to you!) was on formula almost immediately so I don't know what to suggest.

I want to help you but I don't know how!

Mumcentreplus Sat 27-Nov-10 10:38:37

Can you express??...he is being very supportive but i truly understand your position...perhaps after feeds you can hand him the baby and say 'Now you can have time with your ds' and go spend time with the other DCs...have you explained to him how you feel..(not during an arguement)

NeverEatYellowTaintedSnow Sat 27-Nov-10 10:38:41

YANBU but I'm assuming that your DP is seeing things in rather simplistic terms. That being that he can do everything else and you can feed the baby and everyone is happy as anything. In Simplistic Land, why would you shake that balance? Of course that's not the way I feel btw, but that's probably how your DP is seeing it. I would emphasise how much he needs to bond with the baby, and how much your DDs need you at the moment as well, and hope that it dawns on him that he has an equal share in your DS.

violethill Sat 27-Nov-10 10:39:19

I think your second post gives you the answer. An 18 week old baby does not NEED to be feeding on and off, continuously. It may well DO it, if that's the pattern that's built up, but there is absolutely no nutritional need, and it must be a nightmare for the whole family. No way could I have coped with having a baby of over 4 months who I couldn't leave at all. And you're already recognising that it's unfair on your other children, who have their own needs. I feel for your 16 yr old, as choosing 6th form is such a big thing, and she must be feeling as though she's far less important that the baby.

As for your DH - well, if he's working full time, already doing more housework than you, and doing the whole evening tea/bath/homework routine, then frankly, he's not being unreasonable at all - he sounds like he's doing more than his fair share.

TBH I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - you just need to change the situation. The baby WILL take a bottle if you are determined. The longer it's been without one, the longer it may take to introduce it, but it WILL, honest. Or, at this age, use EBM in a beaker. It must be very draining on you, and tbh it doesnt sound as though the baby has a good, long sleep at night, if it's feeding on and off and not going down til 1 am. You need to consider the whole family and how to balance things best. I would buy a feeding cup, express some milk, hand the baby to your DH (don't forget to hand him wine and choccy too - fair dos smile ) and you take over the evening routine with the other kids.

pickledsiblings Sat 27-Nov-10 10:40:24

This all sounds very familiar. With my DH I think perhaps he felt a bit 'useless' and that all his gestures were just token ones. Can you be very specific about asking him for help?

You need a break for sure and at this stage I used to make sure that I had a long luxurious (with candles) bath every night for at least an hour. Sometimes it was approaching midnight by the time I got it, but still. If the baby cried and needed feeding, DH paced the floor with them out of my earshot. It definitely helped me to stay sane.

You are doing a great job smile.

thesecondcoming Sat 27-Nov-10 10:41:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill Sat 27-Nov-10 10:45:13

P.S. get your DH to try to feed the baby in a different room. Don't hand aound because it makes things more confusing for the baby. As pickled says, stay out of earshot. Do the homework,bath etc with your 3 yr old, talk to your 16 yr old, do NOT enter the room with DH until the alloted time is up! Sounds like a strict regime, but it's the only way to break the pattern which has built up, and create a new routine which works for everyone. Be sure to talk it all through with your DH so that he isn't tempted to come to you when the baby cries. It really doesn't sound as though your DH is being a twat actually - I think as the mother it's easy to forget that it must be hard for the father to feel a bit helpless. Try imagining the other way round - you're pacing the room with a screaming unsettled baby, you know that handing it over to your partner will solve the problem in seconds... you have to both work together to break the pattern.

On a positive note, if you stick to this for, say, a week, I bet you'll find things improve considerably

violethill Sat 27-Nov-10 10:45:45

hang around

Mumcentreplus Sat 27-Nov-10 10:48:42

I you need explain to him that ds needs contact with him real contact (not cursory pick up and drop) and he needs to try harder be brutally honest but loving..I know it's bluddy hard not shout at him because it quite obvious to you what he should be doing...but I can see your DH loves to him..btw your DS sounds lovely very much like my DD2 smile

violethill Sat 27-Nov-10 10:50:09

Have you tried a feeding cup? May be easier for the baby, as it will seem totally different from sucking a teat

Mumcentreplus Sat 27-Nov-10 10:50:53

Totally agree with violet make yourself scarce around feeding time and DS will understand he's being fed by daddy now ...daddy style wink

tomhardyismydh Sat 27-Nov-10 10:52:45

both of YABU

TheUnmentioned Sat 27-Nov-10 10:58:51

are you me? i am not exclusively bf sadly but dd wont take a bottle from anyone else partly because i am mix feeding and want her to associate milk with me iyswim?

i give dd to dh and he immediately puts her down and watches tv, i seem to remember he was the same with ds until he was a bit bigger. he is a good dad though.

it does my head in, esp as dd is refluxy and so needs kept uprioght after a feed and ds was in hosp with a virus last week. even when he hears her grizzling he doesnt pick up on it until she is screaming, he never takes responsibility for her tbh or for ds, esp if we are out and he is misbehaving.

so yanbu.

peeringintothevoid Sat 27-Nov-10 11:01:41

I definitely think that expressing is the way to go. Will he suck your finger? If he won't take a beaker or bottle, might it be worth finger feeding a few times, just to get him used to the idea that milk does come from places other than your nipple? If he'll do that, then maybe that might lead on to him taking a bottle or beaker.

Some people really don't 'do' babies - don't know what to do with them/find them a bit boring. Could it be that your DH is a bit like that, and prefers to leave DS to you until he's a bit older/more interesting? I'm not saying DS is boring, BTW! grin What was he like with your DDs?

YANBU, but also your DH doesn't sound entirely U either - I love that he's doing everything else in the evenings and bringing you wine and choc. wink

frakkinup Sat 27-Nov-10 11:11:28

I have to agree with tomhardyismydh - both of YABU, but you have a little more excuse for it!

YABU because the way things have turned out DS needs you and you DH is being very supportive. But you know that. He probably feels quite helpless and is supporting you as best he can in the absence of feeling able to do it any other way (whether or not he should be able to do it is irrelevant to a certain extent, he feels like he can't).

He IBU because if you've told him that cuddling DS for an hour would let you get stuff done/repeatedly said that DS taking a bottle would make life much easier and he'd taken that on board then he wouldn't be saying stuff like 'daddy's quite tired and mummy won't feed you' or just passing DS over to you to settle.

Have you tried sitting down and really talk to your DH and saying that you really appreciate him doing everything that he does around the house but your other 2 children need a Mummy as well, and you feel sad that they're missing out because DS is being so demanding. If he could manage to get DS to take a bottle that would be a huge acheivement (phrasing it like that means it will be something HE can do but you can't) and then you will feel less tied down to DS and able to give the other 2 the attention that they need.

Or one evening sit him on the sofa with DS and a bottle for 3 hours while you do everything. DS might take the bottle, you get an evening off and DH might understand how frustrated you feel!

Mumcentreplus Sat 27-Nov-10 11:11:53

I agree some people find babies boring..but even when you are sitting watching t.v you can prop DC in your armpit and explain the off-side rule grin..its about interaction with your baby..doesn't have to be about the baby pre ce..just spending time and chatting..

Woodlands Sat 27-Nov-10 11:21:47

hey tsc, you're not being u. it's so hard, isn't it? my dh is happy to do the cooking etc while i deal with the baby but often i would much rather hand over ds and go and cook/clean myself - it gets claustrophobic having a baby on you, doesn't it? it also irritates me when he has the baby for 10 mins and then when ds starts grizzling dh tells me he needs fed, which he doesn't really, but ds will never refuse the boob.

sorry, that's not helpful really - just sympathising. we are beyond the evening cluster feeding stage now, but one thing that helped break the pattern for a night or two was driving to pils one evening. we left at 8pm, arrived at 11 with ds having slept the whole way. he then had a really good feed and went off to sleep, and the next night hewent to bed at about 8. it's a bit drastic but if you can engineer a long evening drive it might help!

thesecondcoming Sat 27-Nov-10 11:27:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumcentreplus Sat 27-Nov-10 11:32:13 need to curb that non essential housework for that's cool..but you need to sort it can be changed..not perfect...but just a little difference can mean the world..

violethill Sat 27-Nov-10 12:05:46

Non essential housework can go, I agree, but marathon training sounds great and no doubt a relief from the pressure of being the full time earner. Don't hold it against your dh that he is getting on and living a full life. He can't help it that the baby has a poor feeding pattern- He can work with you to break it but it really isn't his fault

NinkyNonker Sat 27-Nov-10 12:33:15

It isn't his fault, but life doesn't just carry on regardless. When does TSC get hours a week to pursue something that benefits only her?

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe Sat 27-Nov-10 12:47:43

YANBU. Some people seem to think if a baby is EBF then only the mum can comfort them, which is bollocks. Your man just has to learn. Feed the baby and straight after take your DD out to the park, leaving him with the baby.

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