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Staying out all night - AIBU? (

(14 Posts)
MaybeIShould Sat 27-Nov-10 09:38:27

DH rarely goes out - twice in last 2 weeks but not for a couple of months before that. I have encouraged him to go out as I think he needs some time to himself.

DH often says he wants a break or to be 'left alone'. I think part of
this is not seeing his friends regualry or playing sport like he used to before DD.

He admitted he has been drinking too much lately and needs to be cutting back - especially as he is on medication. He said he would do this about 3 days ago but already had a 'boys' night planned for last night.

In past DH has stayed out all night or come home several hours later than he said he would (with no text/call). I have been confused/hurt and angry about this. I know when I go out and have a good time I want to stay out, but I always come home, he knows where I am and I answer my phone (if I forget to call and let him know I'll be late). I have stayed out really late a couple of times (till about 2am) during our 6 years. DH has stayed out (3 times ALL night) at least 6 times I can think of in the last 2 years.

DH went out at 3pm yesterday - he said he didn't know when he'd be home but wouldn't be out all night.

DD had terrible night - due to cold/teething - so I have had very little sleep- I called him at 1am. He didn't answer my first call but answered on second. Said I'm having a nice relaxing evening, won't be home for a couple of hours. He is still not home.

AIBU to think this behaviour is unacceptable? WWYD? I am hoping to show him this thread so we can work something reasonable out for both of us.

truffleshuffle Sat 27-Nov-10 09:45:02

YANBU. Has he told you where he's been staying?

littleshinyone Sat 27-Nov-10 09:45:32

YANBU, but i suspect there are a lot more issues between you than just the nights out.

peeringintothevoid Sat 27-Nov-10 09:46:01

YANBU for feeling upset, not least because he said he wouldn't stay out all night, then did. I don't think him staying out all night is a problem per se, if it's not something that he does often, it's the fact that he's telling you one thing and then doing another. Do you think he does this because he thinks you'll make a fuss or react in a way that causes him to feel guilty? Maybe he's doing it this way because it's easier to seek forgiveness than permission, IYSWIM. Maybe he didn't ring you after the 1am phonecall (to tell you he was going to stay out) because he assumed you'd be asleep and didn't want to disturb you? (I'm looking for the best case scenario here, he might just be an inconsiderate sod! grin )

Get him to make up for it today by letting you rest and not moaning about his hangover.

MaybeIShould Sat 27-Nov-10 09:54:50

He is staying with a friend - he went round his house for drinks. It is the same friend he always stays out with.

No chance of making it up - he is due at work tonight.

Mahraih Sat 27-Nov-10 10:01:49

YANBU, it's unacceptable to tell you he'll be home, and then simply not turn up, particularly when you have a young child.

It's not the staying out all night that's the issue (as peeringintothevoid mentioned) - it's that he doesn't tell you.

DP does a similar thing - if he thinks that telling me will be awkward, he just kind of ... doesn't. The only way I've found to solve this issue is to make sure he is aware that me finding out later will ALWAYS be worse than him telling me before.

If your DH is anything like many men I know, it may just be the same thing. He is aware he's doing something naughty, but is justifying his actions i.e. "she'll be tired, she won't notice, she'd just get angry if I told her..." etc.

DuelingFanio Sat 27-Nov-10 10:11:07

Right up until you said 'he is still noy home' I thought you might be being a luttle unreasonable, but I think that's awful. If he is staying out he should let you know.

MaybeIShould Sat 27-Nov-10 10:28:57

I hate him staying out all night - just doesn't fit with what I hoped family life would be - so maybe he does know he's going to do it but knows I won't want him to.

WWYD? Still no sign/no call sad

MaybeIShould Sat 27-Nov-10 10:57:23

I called him - he's asleep in friend's spare bed - will be home later when he's had some sleep. Said he had a lot to drink- know that will mean at least 12 pints.

DuelingFanio Sat 27-Nov-10 11:34:01

If it were me I'd go out for the day and do something nice. Visit friends or a bit of shopping?

Fecker Sat 27-Nov-10 12:05:57

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Next time you both have a spare night, make plans to meet your friends and leave him to babysit. And then stay out all night, get pissed and ignore his calls. Don't reappear until the next evening. See how he likes it.....

Squitten Sat 27-Nov-10 12:13:43

It's not on for him to just disappear and return when he pleases with no regard for the rest of the family. I'd be absolutely livid.

As my DH just pointed out, however, that if he is going to go and get that wasted, it's probably best for you that he doesn't come home. The last thing you want is him plastered, possibly being sick somewhere/waking up the kids, etc. Better that he go sober up somewhere else first and then come home so you can yell at him (he agrees that your DH is being a twat!)

welshbyrd Sat 27-Nov-10 15:18:48

MaybeIShould - he is well out of order

Do you have a problem with him staying out all night? or just that he is out until late

Not sure id like the idea of my husband staying out all night, ok he might have got drunk at a mates,but millions of people go out of evening, and get themselves home, why couldnt he? Taxi?????? there are alot of them about, phone call to you????????

For you to be sat there 11am next morning, wandering what the hell is going on, with no phone call is disgusting,angry

Your bloke has a g/f and child, with that involves responsibilities, he is not a care free single guy, who can come and go as he please shock

Having stated he thinks he may have a drink problem, then 3 days later get drunk, not come home, no phone call, while your holding the baby, is twatish

If it was me, i deffo talk seriously about it, if it happens again, there would be no more talking, just him walking with his bags

scallopsrgreat Sat 27-Nov-10 16:20:14

He has no respect for you. And I agree with littleshinyone that this is probably manifesting itself in others ways through the marriage. There is no reason not to phone/text at least.

Do you really think he needs a break or to be 'left alone' or is that what he keeps telling you? Do you ever get a break or to be left alone?

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