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to think you shouldn't make your own child feel STUPID?!

(22 Posts)
FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe Fri 26-Nov-10 12:56:19

GRRRRRR ok I really don't like slagging off my DH's exW much - we cover up our feelings in front of their DCs but this has really pissed me off, DH is livid.

We've all heard about the new initiative to remove coursework from GCSEs and emphasise exams. My DSD (12) is now in a major panic. She is smart and hard working but struggles with dyslexia so writing in exams is hard for her.

So... What does her mum tell her? "oh don't worry, you've got years to work on it, we will get through it somehow, ask your teachers for help" etc?

No. She tells her own DD that she is screwed and doesn't have a hope in hell of passing exam-only GCSEs. angry

It's not the first time this has been an issue, when she was younger she told her mum she wanted to be a vet. She was told "but you aren't clever enough"

Fucks sake angry

alwaysrubbishatnicknames Fri 26-Nov-10 13:02:15

I'm all for managing your childs expectations and all that, but that is taking the piss! I'd be a pretty angry about it too.

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Nov-10 13:05:42

That's so sad for your DSD, thankfully she's got you and her dad to counterbalance it before it sucks all the confidence out of her.

santasbluebaubles Fri 26-Nov-10 13:07:28

shock Her own mother said that to her??

I guess all you can do is heap on the encouragement and hope it negates some of her mother's thoughtlessness.

Tell her that I have a close friend who is badly dyslexic and works as a doctor. It was hard work for her, and she took a lot of exams, but she did it.

FindingMyMojo Fri 26-Nov-10 13:08:49

agentzigzag took the words right out of my mouth.

SuePurblybiltByElves Fri 26-Nov-10 13:10:38

Foxpouffe, I love your tartan splendour. But is there any chance that this was "improved" in the re-telling? If Dsd is 12 she may have a few tensions with her mum and take thoughtless, but less evil, remarks as major criticism.

Unless you were there. In which case, ExW is a cowbag grin

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe Fri 26-Nov-10 13:11:59

I just don't get why she said it.

It's not surprising DSD likes to bring her homework here instead of doing it at her house really.

I thought her confidence was improving - at primary she was overshadowed by her siblings but since starting secondary she has really blossomed and is working her butt off (and she has to work harder than most because of her literacy problems) - and then her mum dashes her hopes like that

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe Fri 26-Nov-10 13:17:38

Sue - that's a fair guess but no, it's all true - exW confirmed it and doesn't see the issue confused

Possibly the worst thing is that DSD didn't even see it as criticism. She is so used to being told that she isn't clever.

SuePurblybiltByElves Fri 26-Nov-10 13:18:48

Then she is a cowbag and must be told she has a complexion like Dot Cotton's every day until she understands.Poor DSD sad

ElsieMc Fri 26-Nov-10 13:53:50

If she wants it enough, she will get through her exams with your support and encouragement.

My youngest DD has a minor disability and I was told I shouldn't have high expectations for her. I just wanted to to be happy.

She took her A levels last year and achieved A, B, B. She says herself that some of her friends are loads cleverer than her, but she just wanted it so much and was so determined.

Just keep on supporting her.

Plumm Fri 26-Nov-10 13:56:27

Does her dad have a lot of involvement with the school? Could he arrange a meeting with them to work out the best approach for his DD so she sees something positive being done?

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe Fri 26-Nov-10 14:47:46

DH tries, bless him - we both do. We help loads with homework and revision and that is very well received, but they don't want him talking to the school. I get the impression it's because DSD feels she does not deserve the help from the school

emptyshell Fri 26-Nov-10 14:59:41

My mum did similar to me all the way through my childhood - usually about my appearance and along the lines of "you'd be really pretty if you weren't so fat." Every positive had a conditional attached "you did well in that but why didn't you do better."

Some people are like that I guess - my mother thinks she was blunt, honest and a good motivator... she hasn't seen me sobbing in the car after trips to see her wondering why she doesn't love me - it's just her way and I try to remember that these days - but it hammered my self-esteem into oblivion for many many years.

wineonafridaynight Fri 26-Nov-10 15:05:49

YANBU. You might like to tell her that my DP was very dyslexic. He couldn't read a word until he was 8! However he has 10 GCSE's (all A's, B's and I think 1 C), 3 A levels and an academic degree! He also now owns his own very successful business.

Sorry - it sounds like I'm boasting which I'm not. blush But tell your DSD that yes she will get through them and it will be fine!

Does she have a statement? She would need one i think to get extra time in exams. DP found that really helpful at GCSE and his degree as it made up for the many times he needs to read something before it goes in! (He refused it at Alevel as wanted to prove to himself that he could do without it. Subsequently he didn't do as well as he should).

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe Fri 26-Nov-10 15:28:05

It's a bit complicated - she had a reader/scribe in her KS2 SATs, and hence did really well. She then got to yr7 and the school told her because she did so well in them, she didn't qualify for the extra help! FFS.

That is one of the things DH wanted to take up with the school. His exW keeps saying she will sort it but I know she won't. It's like she views her own DD as a lost cause, but she really is not - I actually think she could go furthest out of her siblings, she is so smart and works so hard. It's upsetting to hear what her mum thinks, and it makes DH feel even worse that he didn't get custody.

beijingaling Fri 26-Nov-10 15:48:13

I had dyslexia and was given coaching, extra time and the use of a computer in exams. Not boasting but I did well at GCSEs (all A*s, As and bs) in proper subjects (German, French, History & Drama were my options above core subjects) and then 2As and a B for Alevel in English, Geography and Classics. Got into every uni I applied for.

My point is that with help, encouragement and work dyslexia is NOT a sentence to a shitty academic career and crappy job. Your DSD will be FINE.

Your DH exW on the other hand is a stupid cow.

beijingaling Fri 26-Nov-10 15:50:30

DH exW wont sort it. Get an appointment with an educational psychologist and you and DH take DSD along to it. If the ed psyche says she is dyslexic and needs extra time, a computer, reader/scribe or whatever then that's what she'll get and the school can't say boo about it.

Not sure how you go about getting an appointment btw... my school told my Mum the name of the local one.

sunshineriver Fri 26-Nov-10 15:53:12

I know that it is older students, but on my college course the other year, all of the dyslexic students had extra help in exams - extra time and someone to read the questions out to them if they needed too.

If she needs more help in exams, I'm pretty sure that the school has got a duty to help her. She will not be the only one in the school that has this problem, and it will not go unnoticed.

wineonafridaynight Fri 26-Nov-10 16:06:22

From experience you do quite often have to really kick up a fuss to get the schools to act. Best thing would be for your DP to go to the school but understand that's tricky!

wineonafridaynight Fri 26-Nov-10 16:06:41

DH was what I meant!

Sleepingonthebus Fri 26-Nov-10 16:13:35

I'm not surprised you are so angry.

My son won a medal at sports day when he was in Year 1. He was second overall on the day and quite rightly, he was very proud of himself.

The ex turned up to pick him up for the weekend and my son was very excited at showing his dad the medal.

When his dad saw it, he said "Were you the only one there?" My son was crushed. Why is it so difficult for a parent to give a little encouragement and praise?

Niceguy2 Fri 26-Nov-10 16:42:32

omg, i thought my exGF was often guilty of saying stupid things to our kids but not on this scale!

If mine ever said anything like that, I'd tear her a new arsehole!

I thought nowadays if you have special needs like Dyslexia then you get extra time or they arrange someone to transcribe for you.

Bottom line is that she's got Dyslexia but not stupid! I mean, Richard Branson has Dyslexia but it hasn't seemed to have stopped him!

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