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To wonder when I won't have to be the strong one anymore?

(20 Posts)
emptyshell Thu 25-Nov-10 18:05:30

Following on from the man flu thread earlier.

Just bought our first house - three doors down from where we currently rent, lots of DIY needing doing to it but hopefully just cosmetic stuff. In-laws coming down next week to help with that, hubby headed off to work today and I started the process of moving stuff down to the new place box by box.

Hubby gets sent home from work by about 10.30 - goes straight to bed leaving me to lug 10 boxes of books down, then he rings my phone to get me to come upstairs because he's been sick and he's just lying there expecting me to resolve it all. By which time he's whimpering and wailing so I drag him to the walk in centre since the doctors is shut (he lays it on thick when he's ill anyway) - they conclude he's probably got flu and is out of action for a week... he says something about "we're moving house" and the nurse just looks at ME like I'm something she's stood in.

So he goes back to bed - and I'm left dismantling, moving and rebuilding bookshelves all on my own, wondering how the heck I'm going to get some of the stuff done and I KNOW he's just assuming that his mummy and daddy will do it all for him (plus I'll get earache from MIL for not looking after precious little snookums)... and I'm just wondering when exactly the strong one in this gets allowed to finally crumble? I've been teetering on the brink of breaking point for about 6 months anyway since the miscarriage shite started happening... have nowhere to turn to - tried to tell my mother how I was feeling and my mother, as usual turned it into a list of my failings and went on the attack... my family promised all this help with moving and (as usual) made other plans and part of me wants to scream that I know he's not well but I had that bug last week and had to keep on ploughing on through it all, and that I'm not coping and I'm not the strong one anymore and that I'm falling apart...... but of course I can't.

Dunno what happens when the strong people in the world finally aren't strong anymore - but I'm close and running out of brave faces to put on. Dunno how I'm going to get half of this stuff moved on my own (physical strength is only partially compensated for by sheer tenacity and stubborness), and I dunno how he can lie in bed not asleep but feeling sorry for himself and listen to me struggling to dismantle furnture and not give a shit.

Just mightily fucked off - I scream out for help and there's nowt there - feel incredibly incredibly alone right now.

Oh and I can barely move - my back's about to sieze up and I'm going to spend the night on the sofa to not wake the invalid so will be in agony tomorrow.

Life's shit.

purplepidjrobin Thu 25-Nov-10 18:13:11

Stop doing it.

Exaggerate the back pain and lie flat on the sofa, ringing him when you need painkillers/hotwater bottle refill/chocolate.

6 months is not a very long time to recover from something as traumatic as a miscarriage. FFS, it's taken me a year so far to recover from a break-in!


Do it all by Friday then piss off to a hotel on his credit card for the weekend


emptyshell Thu 25-Nov-10 18:35:50

Better get back to it - one more bookshelf to move/rebuild before I can call it quits for the day. Just so fucked off that he's sitting there thinking mummy and daddy will do it all for him - and that they bloody would but would look at me like the shit wife throughout it all... and I'm pissed off that my family don't give a shit and if I rang my mum in tears like I am now she'd just tell me off for being a drama queen and putting it on.

He IS genuinely ill - I can't feel bad about him for that - but he doesn't care about me having to do it all in his absence - just lies there and groans melodramatically... and when I had this last week I just had to take myself off to bed on my own while he played fucking Halo.

Tempted to sleep on the floor of the new house tonight at this rate.

I can't keep on being the strong, reliable one with all the answers - and I can't move a house by myself totally.

Katey1010 Thu 25-Nov-10 19:35:34

Have you got some good friends in RL? I used to carry lots of nonsense (going through a divorce). Only really shared with one friend and when it all came out, other friends/family were shocked that I hadn't offloaded on them. They said it would have made them feel better that I wasn't always looking after them and let them look after me a bit. You Mum doesn't sound this type though!

emptyshell Thu 25-Nov-10 19:44:43

Got no one. Literally.

He came downstairs and had a go at me for "muttering" when I was trying to dismantle bookcases to move just now - he's a wonderful man but he's a fucking arsehole when he's ill and takes it out on me.

Can't see what else I can physically move by myself - he says he "might have the strength to help in a few days" - just no concept that some of us don't have the option to wallow in bed in splendour waiting for parents to come pick up the pieces.

If I had a mum who actually loved me, or even just liked me - life would be so much easier.

BelieveInLife Thu 25-Nov-10 19:50:51

Are you 'moved in' though so to speak? If so, surely the minutae of building book shelves, arranging furniture, unpacking certain things can wait until he's better?

Maybe you're pushing yourself a bit, rather than other people expecting you to be strong. Perhaps take a step back and try to relax a bit.

emptyshell Thu 25-Nov-10 19:54:41

Not moved in - that's the bit I'm having to do on my own - physically getting everything out of the old house and along the road to the new one... moved two bookshelves and about a million boxes of books today, running out of things I can do on my own without hurting myself but what's the alternative? My family promised me they'd be available to help and have naffed off to Germany, hubby promised me it wouldn't be just us two doing it this time after the hell of the last move (guess he was right - it's just me) - got no alternative but to get it done because he starts a new job soon and was about to take holidays to DO the house move - which of course he's going to spend pratting about in bed now and then vanish back to work leaving it all to me anyway.

He threw up earlier, actually RANG my mobile and lay there helplessly to get me to clear it up, then demanded the (missed by the puke) bedsheets were changed - which I refused to do until I was sure there was no more puke incoming. He just flipping lay there and got me to clear around him and sees nothing wrong with that.

perfumedlife Thu 25-Nov-10 19:55:40

What a nightmare for you!

I get the sense you have lost a fair bit of respect for your dh, would that be fair?

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 25-Nov-10 19:57:25

"and that I'm not coping and I'm not the strong one anymore and that I'm falling apart...... but of course I can't."

Well, actually - you can. Give yourself permission. And fuck the PIL if they get arsey with you.

Seriously, you need to be kinder to yourself. You have convinced people that they can behave towards you the way they do, and you need to retrain them. Stop coping, and let them get on with it. If you have to take yourself out of the environment, do so. Move to a hotel for a couple of days, spend hours in the cinema/theatre immersing yourself in something that has nothing to do with you and your life. Switch your phone off throughout. Come back when you can stand looking at them (DH and PIL) again. They will live. And they will learn.

emptyshell Thu 25-Nov-10 20:05:49

My husband's normally wonderful - but even when he's well he tends to look to me to be the one with all the answers, and when he's ill he IS utterly utterly vile and I've had it out with him several times before to be honest - think that's a family background thing, his mum was a stay at home mum who ran round after him, my mum was a working mum and I basically dosed myself up and got on with life. I love him dearly but right now I hate him ruining our new home, our move away from the unlucky house where I've had the run of miscarriages and shit luck and just making what was meant to be shiny and new all fucking shit like everything else in my life.

I know I'm really depressed anyway - but he just doesn't quite get how fragile I am inside and I still just have to chug along pretending to be the strong one through it all - because it's what I've done ever since I was a kid and my parents' marriage broke down - aged 10 I sat listening to my mother sob on the phone with my arm around her, did the family shop aged 11 - I've always had to be the one who coped and I think I'm running out of "cope". Hell, I already had one breakdown before I was 30 (teaching a really really difficult class drove me to that one) and I'm pretty sure I'm back there again now or pretty close to it.

House was meant to be such a happy thing (well THE house, not Dr House - although I wouldn't say no there!) and he's just fucking ruining it all, same as everything in my life gets ruined - I couldn't even get pregnant properly.

OTTMummA Thu 25-Nov-10 20:09:31

why hasn't he got a bowl for being sick into?
I wouldn't clean up any adults sick if they were ok to do it themselves, i actually feel better after being sick, so don't understand confused never had anyone in my adult life clean it up for me.
does he clean up your sick?
That would piss me off.
You should do what WYLI suggests, take off for the day, escape in a book at a coffee place, or my personal favourite, the cinema.
He will cope if your not there btw, so don't feel guilty.

OTTMummA Thu 25-Nov-10 20:13:05

also, can you just wait until he is better to do the moving stuff?
do what you can,, bare minimum, and wait for him to get back in order.
he can't expect you to do everything, and if he does, well, i wouldn't lift a finger more tbh until he started helping.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 25-Nov-10 20:26:29

" ... and I still just have to chug along pretending to be the strong one through it all - because it's what I've done ever since I was a kid and my parents' marriage broke down"

Repeat after me - 'Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes.' If you continue to appear to cope (because by the sound of it you're hanging in there by the skin of your teeth by now), they will continue to take it for granted that you will cope. Only when you blatantly demonstrate that you are not coping will they sit up and pay attention. ANd right now, I think you need to be paid attention to. And taken care of.

NoSquirrels Thu 25-Nov-10 21:35:28

Oh poor poor you, emptyshell. I hear you on the "being the one to cope, and being the one to carry on" -- my DH has pulled the same thing today/this week/every so often on a regular basis... But I don't have the rest of the very emotional stuff you're going through below the surface to contend with.

Practically speaking, how long before you need to move out of the rented property? Is it an urgent need-to-move-this-week thing, or is the timetable a little more relaxed? Can you afford to call a Man With A Van service? They usually charge by the hour rather than by the job like big removals companys, will hump all the big stuff for you and as they're not going far you'll get a lot of heft for your money. And if you know you can only afford 2 hours or 3 hours or whatever then you can tell them that in advance.

Do not kill yourself with this effort if there is any way you can afford to pay someone to take a bit of the strain. I'm so sorry your family won't help, and it's all shitty right now, but try and see this as the end of the crap being in the rented house has put you through -- the last throw of its dice, if you will. When you ARE moved into the new place, and DH is better, then things will start looking up for you, I sincerely hope.

plupervert Thu 25-Nov-10 22:44:15

I'm so sorry to hear this. If our back is about to go, your PIL have got to take some of the strain. Will DH persuade them? Or else I agree with other posters about hiring in help.

Whereabouts are you?

Katey1010 Thu 25-Nov-10 22:50:47

I've had a bloody life-threatening disease and manages to a) get to the toilet to throw up, b) clear it up after myself. If he has to, stay in the toilet.

"I couldn't even get pregnant properly." I feel so sad for you. Please try to give yourself the emotional support and space you would have given another person if they had gone through the TTC/miscarriage stuff you have.

Xenia Thu 25-Nov-10 22:53:39

As Where says sadly you are enabling this. If you don't want to be the stronger one in the relationship then you just need to stop things happening you don't like.

1. Is there any reason you cannot hire soeone to move things tomorrow things that have to be moved before your husband isbetter? If it's money couldn't you just put it on a credit card for a bit?

2. If things haven't got a time table then just don't m ove much over rather than being this martyr thing which so many women are and is so pointless. They do everything and omplain about it. They don't change things so they aren't in that position.

3. Why did you marry this kind of baby man?

4. If your back is going then just stop. Looking after yourself matters.

5. Real issue is you want a baby. If you've had multiple miscarriages have you seen an expert? Have you considered things like that stitch they can give you and all the other stuff they will investigate once you've had 2 or 3 miscarriages.

nemofish Thu 25-Nov-10 22:56:40

As long as you are a 'coper,' people will expect you to keep on coping.

Tell him you can't cope anymore. you won't cope anymore. Ask him what he is going to do to help? Hopefully that could be the beginning of equalising your relationship. If not, frankly why should you carry on letting him get away with babyish behaviour? That's not a relationship, that's being someone's carer, because they were spoilt by their parents hmm

I really really hopw you can take a stand, kick him up the arse and move on together. He is, I've no doubt, more than capable of doing the grown up stuff, but won't if there is no reason to man up and do it for himself.

KangarooCaught Thu 25-Nov-10 23:07:51

Caring for someone who is ill is stressful, especially when they are a pathetic patient.

Moving house is in the top 3 of stressful experiences.

Recurrent m/c is highly stressful.

So even a coper is totally allowed to feel stressed, aggrieved and generally pissed off.

DH will be better soon, the house can wait. find a chair, plug in the TV and treat yourself to wine and chocolates as you deserve it.

Kitty81 Fri 26-Nov-10 00:04:59

Hire yourself a man and van service on dh's card. Swoon as hunky and capable man does it all. Then instruct them to move your bed, complete with whingy dh still in it, to the new house. Embarass him into manning up? Alternatively, move only your own stuff and leave all his for when he is better then he can join you in your shiny new house, if you choose to let him ;)

Seriously; I feel bad for you, you sound at your wits end. It's true though that as long as you cope, people will give you things to cope with. Once dh is better, get signed off work with depression and take to bed. He will soon realise that you are not ok, and if he doesnt or is mad at you, maybe he's not the person you need to help take care of you. It's got to be equal; you look after him, he looks after you. You are his wife, not his carer, nanny or port-a-womb. Know that you deserve more respect than this xxxx

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