Is my H being a knob?

[dracschick]

I am rather pissed off so I think my opinion may be skewed.

In a nutshell- 3 ds -h has always favoured middle ds -its a well known fact the other 2 know it Grandparents know it even new friends see it straight away.

We live with it.

Its not nice there being one rule for one ds and ds2 getting a different (more relaxed) rule and of course ds1 resents it (ds1 is 17) fortunately I am or thought I was close to all 3 ds.....however ds2 recently has a gf (hes 15) shes 13 .....(im not overly happy about this not the girl cos ive never met her but I think what a 15 year old boy finds in a relationship might be very different from what a 13 year old girl is emotionally ready for),anyway this is the point of my AIBU.....DS2 has M.E and as a result can become quite poorly (its always me that copes with this) so over the past few months we had been working at him resting more so he can get to school more hes doing GCSE's.

Dh is allowing him to visit the girls house several times a week and for hours and hours at the weekend.....she doesnt live nearby he needs driving there or on occasion he catches a bus....he is very moody I attribute that to his everlasting tiredness but its not just that the hours he spends out are not helping his health.

Ds1 was encouraged to stay in and study at this stage......ds2 well hes his own boss.

I cannot parent properly if H is constantly undermining me.

Whats brought on this lengthy post is yesterday ds couldnt find something he wanted for school and threw loads of stuff around and was shouting at me ......I told h later about this (he was still in bed)and he said he didnt hear anything.....i said as a result he wasnt to go to gfs house today after school,turns out ds2 told his Dad it was me who started shouting and mentioned some things Id said that were untrue and h is claiming to have heard them....(he couldnt i didnt say them,and what man would lie in bed knowing his 15 year old son was ranting at his mum?).....so Ds is going to his gfs after school with no punishments and im shit over again.

DS1 and 3 are fed up of this.

H isnt working much at the mo but isnt helping in the home and continues to behave like Lord and Master.

And hes said that if we split up hes taking ds2 with him.

[xstitchsurvivor]

Yes, he is being a knob.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

He sounds like a complete twunt! Parents who undermine the other parent are the worst as are parents who have favourites!

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

I agree, your H is being a knob. It must be a horrible atmosphere in your house, almost divided up into 2 teams?

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Yep, a total knob.
What a horrible situation to be in. Your manipulative son and total knobster of a DH.
No advice, merely sympathy and glee that we only have one DD (who incidentally, DH seems to prefer to me sometimes)

[curlymama]

Yes, he's being a knob.

So, what do you think you can do about it? things must be quite bad for you if you've talked about splitting

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

Dracschick, I'm sure you've tried before, but have you talked to him about how you feel about him favouring your middle son? Does he admit to it?

[dracschick]

It is 2 teams and he says its me thats caused this.

It definitely isnt I love ds2 as much as the others but Im finding it difficult to cope with his behaviour.

Another example is ds2 was found drunk during the summer (luckily im well known in the area -for good reasons and he was quickly found and brought home)hes 15 hes going to do stuff like this we were just lucky so far with ds1 (im not sure it was luck h was much stricter with ds1)so ds2 wasnt allowed 'money' so to speak I was buying his things and he wasnt going without it was a punishment anyway h insists ds has money (and quite a chunk in comparison) and I realised hes been saving it up to buy his gf a xmas gift (nearly £40) this is all spiralling out of control and if they were to fall out I think I know in my heart hed go and get drunk.

How pocket money has worked in the past at ours (with ds1 ) was that he got some money say £10 and when that ran out he asked for more .....ds2 seems to have a god given right from his dad to have money every day.

[Callisto]

He sounds awful and your DS2 is playing you off against each other.

I couldn't live with someone that so obviously favoured 1 child over another (though I speak as mother to just 1 DD) and I certainly couldn't live with someone who didn't help around the house, whether or not they were working.

Not sure what to suggest, apart from booting your arse of a husband out. I'm sure you would have a much happier house without him around.

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

If he's blatently treating your middle son differently to the others (and it sounds like he is), then it needs to be stopped. It could leave your other boys with all kinds of issues and resentment in their adult lives (I had a similar situation when I was growing up and lets say it didn't do me a lot of good, I wasn't the favourite BTW).

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

I totally agree with everything Callisto has said

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

I feel very sorry for your other two DS. It must be a nasty atmosphere in your house when one is so obviously favoured over the other two. Is he aware that he is his dads golden boy?
My DH is one of four, he was his mothers favourite. It was obvious from the get go to me but DH never saw it. His siblings accepted it, but were cross when DH got away with stuff because his mum loved him the most. She even used to tell him that in front of his B+Ss. What a toxic cunt she was.

[OnlyWantsOne]

Yes he's being a knob.

[dracschick]

I have spoken to him about it.

Its always been this way usually ive hidden it well but ds1 is older and he sees whats going on.

Ds1 is a nice kid ive written lots of posts on here about him, hes not had it easy.

Ds2 is fab too hes just hard work because he gets a lot of attention off H and of course if 1 parent says what you want to hear thats where your going to go .....

H denies it but even his own Dad sees it - ds1 is a academically bright lad ds2 is a bit of a rebel and h sees himself in ds2 and bulids him up,

One partcular comment made about 5 years ago really hurt ds1 - they were watching what dreams may come and Robin Williams says who he wanted to be at the gates of hell with......dh promptly turned to ds2 and said id have you at the gates of hell.

Ds1 was hurt by this and so I said thats ok cos me you and ds3 are far too good for hell our way is up .....and laughed it off but ds1 still remembers this.

Ds2 isnt totally horrid please dont think I dont love him but H will say if Im saying he needs to be in bed/ stop doing something etc etc 'why do you hate him?'

[pozzled]

He is being a complete knob, it sounds as though he is making things really hard for the whole family. I actually feel sorry for your DS2- because what your DH is doing is obviously not helping him. It's distracting him from his schoolwork and making him tired in the short term, and in the long term it's giving him a huge sense of entitlement and no work ethic.

I don't know what to suggest though. I think I would be tempted to start giving him some ultimatums, but if he decided to leave DS2 could very well choose to go with him, at 15 he won't see that you're acting in his best interests.

[Longtalljosie]

You had me at "it's a well-known fact". How awful.

Could you and the grandparents all stage an intervention (to use an awful rehabby Americanism) and point out that as much as he loves DS2, he's in danger of being responsible for turning his child into an unpleasant, mendacious adult?

(not saying he's currently either of those things but it seems to me that's the way it's going if he can lie about what you said like that)

And it might also be worth speaking to the girlfriend's parents - you and they could have a united front about the need for him to spend less time round theirs and study for his GCSEs?

[Tortington]

its fucked up man, seriously fucked up. your fucking your kids up both of you.


i don't see why his parenting overrides yours.


if i said my ds wasn't to go to a friends and dh said he could.

ds wouldn't go to his friends

[dracschick]

Long tall its been said many times but he wont see it .....sadly I think he's 'lost' ds1 and is well on his way to losing ds3......and your quite right ds2 is being unpleasant .....its so obvious even the teachers at school know about it.

I will say what I am usually trying to hide....H I think is trying to make that ds2 isnt poorly he sees it as a weakness and hes trying to make him a 'lad',ds2 needs no encouragement he is a lad with or without M.E.

Grandad is quite disgusted and has spoken to H about it and indeed ds2 - deaf ears though cos H pooh poohs it.

Thing is every so often he will try and crack down (after the drinking thing)and then ds2 really resents it and of course he will - a kid with no boundaries will resent them.

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

OP, your husband doesn't seem like the kind of person that can have a reasonable, objective discussion

[ChippingIn]

I just wrote out a really long post - but decided to delete it!

You need to tell him to listen to you until you have finished speaking then he can speak. Tell him what the problems are. Tell him how this is affecting you and ALL of the boys.

Then tell him if things don't change he is welcome to leave, but he will not be taking DS2 - he will be staying with you, in the family home and he will need to take you to court for access to all THREE boys.

Be quiet, controlled and firm - do not get upset/angry/shouty.

[dracschick]

Custy I heart you.

Thing is ds2 is a strong character and its v hard to over ride him and H and then of course I get the 'guilt' feeling bcos if ds2 wasnt 'poorly' I wouldnt be as concerned.

Dont say Im fucking ds2 up i try so hard not too.

[dracschick]

Chipping in -I did that last week.

I told H exactly that and I also told him that in doing that Id 'take' his Dad as well (if his dad knew the half of what was going on hed disown him).

H is unreasonable he told me he couldnt take ds2 even if we did split up(the argument about us splitting up was to do with h lack of work and his laziness in finding other work).

He did this sneaky yesterday told me hed heard nothing then told ds hed heard everything and it was all me.it was ds2 who told me what his dad had said.

[Niceguy2]

Does your H realise his other kids can see the unfairness and have you spoken to him about how much the film incident has hurt DS1?

There are two issues here.

1. His apparent unfairness towards DS2
   
   
2. Him undermining you
   
   I know you think both are related but in my view they need to be dealt with separately.
   
   He cannot cannot CANNOT overrule a punishment you've meated out, even if he doesn't agree. Hell I split up with my ex 8 years ago and we still manage to get that fundamental rule right. He can offer to speak with you but in front of the kids you are united!
   
   The spoiling thing, I wonder if he is unaware of it.

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone like him, Dracschick, I really wouldn't. So let me get this right; your DS2 is making up things that you've said to him and your H, who at the time appeared to hear nothing, has now said he heard all those things that your DS made up?

[dracschick]

No he knows the children see his 'favortism' even the youngest dc has pointed it out to him.

Ds1 has told him about the film several times but its just one of many instances.

He doesnt see that hes undermining me - he thinks hes stopping me being unfair....yet I always support his punishments to the other dc.

Its like hes blinkered to ds2.

[dracschick]

Frazzled - yes.