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to not want to go on holiday with my in laws?

(33 Posts)
cremedelacreme Thu 25-Nov-10 00:40:29

I get on really well with the in laws and, generously, for the last four years, they've paid for us to go on holiday with them. They are, understandably, even more keen for this arrangement to continue since the birth of our DC two years ago

Plans for holiday 2011 are underway. Was planned for beg. July but when I announced I was expecting DC2 beg. June, in laws said they'd put holiday back to end August.

Weeeellll, thing is. It's a holiday to France and it's a 5-6 drive as standard. Factor into that a 2.75 month old toddler and a c. 11 week old baby, it'll take much longer. And it's only a week long holiday. And I'll probably have to have another c-section and it took me 12 weeks to recover last time due to complications. And I'm worried it'll take me a bit of time again to establish breasfeeding. And is it fair on a newborn and a toddler to subjec them to such a journey. AND, I think I'd just like the time to relax, stay close to home and get into a kind of, dare I say, routine with a toddler and newborn.

I've explained I don't think it's gonna happen but MIL said 'well, see how you feel nearer the time'. But I know how I'm going to feel and it's going to cost them more money to book in August. So, in the nicest possible way, I wish she'd just accept that I know what I'll want.

I guess that, since I've been very upfront about my feelings on the subject, people may say that the ball is now in her court? But I'm feeling a bit annoyed about it, neverthless!

AIBU to not want to go and to feel annoyed that my definitive 'thanks but no thanks' hasn't been accepted?

Sorry for ramble!

zipzap Thu 25-Nov-10 00:49:35

Could you come up with an alternative instead - so suggesting that, as you won't be up to holidaying in france at the end of august, howabout going for a long weekend together somewhere nice, within an hour or two's drive from you and in May or October (or whenever you think you could stick it!), and that it will then free them up to book their summer holiday for whenever they want to go.

might get them thinking and realise that you really won't be able to go away later on when they want you to, and that they will go for something rather than nothing IYSWIM...

good luck - think you are very sensible to not want to travel lots with little ones!

Oldjolyon Thu 25-Nov-10 00:51:13

I can see both sides... you don't feel like it atm, but you may feel great after the second. There's no reason to suspect that you'll have complications again, and you may well be fit and well after 4 weeks. So I can see where they are coming from.

However, if I were in your shoes I think I'd compromise and just tell them you don't want to take a newborn abroad this year. Offer to go somewhere in the UK - a little holiday cottage or something closer to home etc, but just not abroad (the distance after all, seems to be the main objection you've got).

Oldjolyon Thu 25-Nov-10 00:52:03

X post Zipzap.

Great minds obviously grin.

cremedelacreme Thu 25-Nov-10 01:01:56

Thanks both, for your suggestions. I like the idea of spending a weekend with them as an alternative.

Re asking for a UK holiday, the thing is, the holiday is really designed for DH's brother, wife and DC, who can't afford their own holiday. But we're invited because in law really want to see DH (and rest of us) as well. So I wouldn't want to say stick to UK because that would ruin it for DH's brother. And particularly their DC. Also, the first two years were UK hols and it rained non stop, everyone got a bit ansty, which was why MIL decided to go abroad from now on.

I know this sounds like I'm being ungrateful, but I think my issue is that MIL is lovely but also is used to running her household and organising things for her three DS's, and I think I'd like the same control to decide what's best for my family. So perhaps just the typical DIL/MIL power struggle thing going on here? But I know I should't cut my nose ... etc but I also really am dreading a long journey!

ClimberChick Thu 25-Nov-10 02:22:31

I don't see why because someone has offered you something you are obliged to accept

MadamDeathstare Thu 25-Nov-10 03:24:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Plumm Thu 25-Nov-10 06:49:45

Tell them you aren't going to France this year because of the long drive, etc, but you are planning a long weekend in the UK and they are more than welcome to join you.

IAPJJLPJ Thu 25-Nov-10 08:10:41

there is a 2 hour limit for baby car seats. Sound my idea of hell!!!

Thing is - if you are dreading it now it is going to put a downer on the rest of your pregnancy and afterwards as you will be constantly thinking of it and will end up pushing yourself harder in order to be fit to go.

When it is brought up again you must be firm with a "no".

nomoreheels Thu 25-Nov-10 08:51:56

I do not understand why some families insist on doing big holidays with each other. To us, they end up being stressful. We are just quite private, we prefer to make our own plans and not have to wait/rely on anyone else. We are also very quiet in our own home and as DPs family can be quite noisy, it is really hard to manage after a few days.

We put our foot down last year after it was suggested that we spend a week over christmas in a cramped cottage with MIL, FIL, DP's sister, her two DC and two dogs!! The cottage was 5 hours away too. It caused a minor world war at the time but they got the point - we now plan meals and day outings instead and that seems to be working ok. They go off and do their own week or two week holidays and don't invite us to those.

(Now that I am P we have even more of an excuse - and we're having a second quiet xmas just the two of us - I am really happy!)

I think expecting you to take an 11 wk old newborn that far away, especially after a c-section, is ridiculous. Perhaps she is saying "see how you feel" because the holiday costs the same regardless of whether you come or not - is it a holiday home? But you've said it all already - you want to nest at home, recover and establish your routines with your new baby. Don't let anyone boss you around, however well meaning you think their intentions are.

plantsitter Thu 25-Nov-10 09:08:12

You're not being unreasonable at all, but I do think your MIL is right and you may feel differently. After 11 weeks you might welcome the distraction of other kids for DC1 to play with.

Have you considered flying?

Honestly, I think you've made your feelings clear so if you don't change your mind they'll just have to suck up the extra cost of going in August.

CrazyPlateLady Thu 25-Nov-10 09:08:34

YANBU. Sounds like my idea of hell tbh. When DS was 6 months, I went to my aunts which is only a 2 to 2.5 hour drive. It took 4 hours there and 4 hours back and was boiling hot. It was awful!

Get your DH to say that you will be giving the family holiday a miss next year but you look forward to doing it the year after when your DCs are older.

It does seem as though MIL likes to have control of the family and isn't letting her DS's 'go with their new family' IYSWIM.

dreamingofsun Thu 25-Nov-10 09:13:04

agree 6 hours with young children/babies is going to be hell. and realistically its not going to be any better for the next 10 years or so.

now might be the time to start sowing the seeds of a holiday change anyway. maybe your MIL has forgotten what its like travelling with young children

FakePlasticTrees Thu 25-Nov-10 09:21:03

Under 6 months, it's a max 2 hours in a car seat, unless you buy a lie flat one and do the drive over night. If you don't, youre looking at a 6 hour journey being at least 7 hours. In August when it's boiling in France, hope you have good aircon in your car. And the place you're staying as aircon. This is assuming you're up to sitting in a car for that long.

Just get your DH to say no, otherwise you're going to feel pressured because of all the money they've spent.

pommedeterre Thu 25-Nov-10 09:22:41

I agree that MIL is treating you a bit like a 'child' here. Just say no, you don't think you'll be in a fit state to go. End of. I would then use that as an excuse to break away from the whole tradition myself.

fruitful Thu 25-Nov-10 09:29:05

Better to use the "newborn in a carseat" line. You've said you don't think you'll be up to it, and she's said she thinks you'll change your mind.

Or you could get your dh to say "*No* thank you, we have decided that we don't want to go".

PatriciaHolm Thu 25-Nov-10 10:29:04

Well - if you really don't fancy it, you have to say so, politely. It may well be the case that you are absolutely fine and it would be a nice week - we took ours on long journeys/long haul holidays from very early on, and I had c-sections both times, so it's very possible, and I never understand people when they flatly refuse to travel any distance with small children. However, it's your perogative; maybe MIL would take it better from your DH?

DuelingFanio Thu 25-Nov-10 10:38:58

just say no? or get DH to,

TrillianAstra Thu 25-Nov-10 10:40:48

"That's a very kind offer but no thank you I don't want to"

happystory Thu 25-Nov-10 11:05:12

plus- wouldn't you have to get a passport for new baby? What a hassle to have to do that in the first few weeks of his/her life

FakePlasticTrees Thu 25-Nov-10 15:10:17

oh yes, passport - they can take 8-12 weeks for a first one. And you need a birth certificate to apply. So if your DC was late and you didn't get an appointment with the registrar for a couple of weeks, then it's unlikely you'd get one in time.

Or just say no - you can just say you don't want to. Or more appropriately, tell your DH you won't be going, no negotiation, and if he thinks he can go on holiday without you that soon after having a DC and not be in deep shit, he's mistaken, so best he explains to his parents it's not happening. (you get to blame pregnancy hormones for being a cowbag now if you want to)

cremedelacreme Thu 25-Nov-10 22:09:28

Thanks for all your helpful replies and sorry for not coming back before now - not had a chance to come on here today.

I have said i really won't be feeling up to it for many reasons, including the car seat one. (I actually thought the limit was 45 minutes - not sure where I got that from). Hadn't thought of the passport issue - and agree, I won't be wanting to faff around with that (had to do an emergency one for DC1 and it was a nightmare, and they were 8 months old!)

Before saying what I thought was a firm 'no', I did say that the only way I would even consider going is if we went by plane (and said of course we'd pay for that) which I thought showed willing because I actually have a fear of flying and had to take valium on our last holiday with them! But I just got the 'well, see how you feel' response.

The extra cost of going a bit later isn't really a problem - in laws are well off and it is a holiday home they'll book anyway. It's more that I've said it's unlikely I'll go so please stick with your plans because you'll be changing them for nothing, and I've not been listened to, really. And IAP, you've hit the nail on the head because I'd rather say no now because I don't want the pressure.

I think I would be ok for DH to go without me (as long as I was coping ok with new baby/had my family to stay just in case) but would feel strange if he took DC1 with him, but perhaps I need to chill about that!

I did tell DH that he would need to say no, to ensure his mum realised 'we' meant business and he did agree. But he's wavering, thinking that maybe it is doable after all! I think I'll show him this thread - more food for thought for him!

God, I know there are more important things in life to worry about but I really wanted others' views because I was wondering if I was putting my foot down for the wrong reasons. My conclusion is that I am not!

Thanks everyone!

EricNorthmansMistress Thu 25-Nov-10 22:34:01

Do you really think it would be ok for him to go by himself? With you having a new baby and a CS? Even if he took DC1 which you might not be ok with, it's still leaving you alone for a week or more with a newborn! Not a good plan at all.

YANBU by the way, I think this year you have to decline, firmly, now.

Casmama Thu 25-Nov-10 22:43:03

I think you need to say to your MIL "please go ahead with your original plans because this is really stressing me out and I would feel much better if you would accept that we are definitely not coming this year."

onceamai Thu 25-Nov-10 22:43:15

Two options I think. Either you fly or DH and DC1 go on their own. You can either bond with baby (and it's the toddler who will be hard work at that stage, so let DH and the PIL's have him for a week). You and baby can have a babymoon either on your own together or with your parents.

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