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in not liking my ds's best friend and trying to figure out what to do about it?

(34 Posts)
nevercansaygoodbye Tue 23-Nov-10 23:34:53

my ds 5 started school in september. He didn't know any of the other kids so the teacher asked for someone to 'volunteer' to play with him. The boy who did and my ds are now 'best friends' to the extent that my ds says he loves him and doesn't want to play with anyone else at school...
Anyway, the best friend came to our house today and I was really horrified by his behaviour - he continually called everything 'stupid' including me, my ds and our car and then said our house was too small and suggested to my ds that they 'wee all over' my 18 mo dd..who of course was 'really stupid.' My ds was pretty enthralled by all this and sort of joined in.
I tried to talk to my ds about it - in bringing him up we really emphasise kindness and having respect for people so I just reminded him about this and also told him it is a good idea to play with lots of people...obviously I don't want to bitch about this other boy to him and can't control his friendships, but aibu to try to figure out a way of weaning him off his ardour for the other boy? And - how???

Vallhala Tue 23-Nov-10 23:40:19

Of course you can control DS's friendships! He's five, not 25! hmm

The simple answer is don't invite the rude child back and decline any invites to his house too.

nevercansaygoodbye Tue 23-Nov-10 23:40:31

thread sinking! bump

nevercansaygoodbye Tue 23-Nov-10 23:42:53

valhalla - and how do I stop them being 'best friends' in school?

nevercansaygoodbye Tue 23-Nov-10 23:45:16

I don't suppose there is any point in mentioning it to the teacher? I suppose I worry that my ds is heading for heartbreak by sticking so closely to this one kid whose behaviour I have a real problem with

booyhoo Tue 23-Nov-10 23:45:26

invite other childrn round to play and don't invite this boy again.

your son will realise that he can have fun at home with other children and will form bonds with them, talking about it in school the next day etc. when the other boy in't coming anymore your ds will lose interest.

tastetherainbow Tue 23-Nov-10 23:45:31

this is tricky but i had same prob with my 5 yr old son...however my friend has children who are rude and swear and it has rubbed off badly.... certain things my son says that are not so much swear words but just things that i wouldnt want him to be saying but because my friends doesnt punish her kids my child cant understand why i have a problem...dont get me wrong its not all my friends fault i take responsibilty as well but when children are influencing your children it can be hard.. i have had the same problem with his friends in classroom, the first thing i would do is make an appointment with either the headteacher or classroom teacher and explain your situation as they are there to try and help, they could try seperating them in classroom, or making sure they play with other children in playground. It is a hard one to answer but take the first steps of the school and go from there... you might not be able to control his friendships like you say but thats something you should worry about when he is 15/16 lol...xx start with the school hunni and work from there but would be great if u cud keep me updated as i would take tips from u as well...xx

onceamai Tue 23-Nov-10 23:46:18

You might not want ot hear this but we didn't particularly like ds's best friend at 5, or 6, or 7 or 8 and moved him from primary at 9 (not due to bf I add). He and best friend have endured. They chose each other - we tried and failed to influence and have had to go with the flow. The boys have a bond which to an extent we have diluted but you know after 10 years the lad, (and what he has picked up from his ma an pa) have grown on us and he has been around at some fundamental family milestones and vice versa. The boys now are old enough to realise each other's strengths and weaknesses and the lad has earnt a place in our hearts

Tryharder Tue 23-Nov-10 23:48:30

I would do...nothing. My DS had a boy round to tea who wasn't really my cup of tea in terms of his personality (he said my food was yuck** and asked why we didn;t buy my DS more toys) but, hey, he's my son's friend not mine.

The wee and poo talk you describe is rude and annoying but on occasion par for the course with 5 year old boys. I think you are making more of it than it is. You don't have to invite the boy back if he was rude but you are being unreasonable to want to spoil the friendship.

* it probably was as cooking is not my strength. *

tastetherainbow Tue 23-Nov-10 23:48:51

onceamai... you made no sense

Joolyjoolyjoo Tue 23-Nov-10 23:50:15

I do try to influence my dd's friends blushShe has a couple of lovely friends but one that I am not so keen on, so I try to foster the other friendships while not excluding friend-I-don't-really-like! Sometimes she'll tell me things this other girl has been saying and we'll have a conversation about why it wasn't very nice etc. She seems to have caught on to the fact that this girl is sometimes not so nice, and I am relieved, although they are still friends.

Someone told me that it was best to gently influence them at this age, as it was the only age you could!

FromFirstToLast Tue 23-Nov-10 23:50:39

My dd picked up a lovely "friend" like this when she was 6. Myself and dh forbid her to play with this girl and told her the reasons why. We also informed the school of our decision to ensure dd was not paired with her for activities etc. This girl was bad and told my dd things she should never have known at this age, so maybe a different situation from yours. My point is however that I think you have a responsibility to control your childrens relationships at this age. I know how I want to raise my children and I won't let anyone elses poor parenting jeaprodise that.

Vallhala Tue 23-Nov-10 23:50:51

Booyhoo got there first! I was going to add that of you invite other, nicer children around, rude boy will suddenly stop being viewed as so fascinating to DS and the friendship will wane accordingly.

booyhoo Tue 23-Nov-10 23:51:33

oncemai's post makes complete sense. she is saying that as much as she tried to wean her son away from his friend, it didn't work and now the boys is loved by her and her family.

onceamai Tue 23-Nov-10 23:51:52

Shall pour another glass taste but it isn't that indecipherable. smile

Tryharder Tue 23-Nov-10 23:52:38

I certainly wouldn't go into school and say that you don't want your child to be friends with this friend and can the school separate them/make sure they don't play together. It comes across as nasty and controlling, it really does!

We are talking about 5 year olds....

booyhoo Tue 23-Nov-10 23:53:24

"This girl was bad " what? as in 'to the bone'? hmm

nevercansaygoodbye Tue 23-Nov-10 23:54:50

tastetherainbow - ok if I come up with anything I'll let you know - I am not losing sleep over it as such but just feel really dismayed..my ds was with the same group of friends from nursery for 3 - 4 years none of whom are in his school and while some of them were a bit ott in terms of physically wild I was so fond of them, but today was just so so unpleasant...also my ds seems nearly to be in love with this boy in a way he never has been before, he wants to talk about him all the time and doesn't want anyone else to come to the house or even to see his old friends....just this boy!
tryharder - yes, I guess I know the wee and poo talk is normal enough, just my ds hadn't started any of that and I felt so angry and sad when this other boy started saying 'lets p*ss' on your baby sister

ShanahansRevenge Tue 23-Nov-10 23:59:57

My DD is 6 and most of her friends have said or done things which makes me go shock but it happens...one of my DDs friends commented on the size of our house...another picked on DDs youngers sister angry and yet another thought it reasonable to demand sweets and chocolate every ten minutes and appear stunned when I said no...

I believe that at this age it is a learning curve...for them and us..how we as parents deal with what we dont like in our own homes...and them learning what's acceptable when visiting.

nevercansaygoodbye Wed 24-Nov-10 00:00:40

Tryharder - My ds's teacher actually brought up the friendship at our parent teacher meeting last week - just that x and our ds are 'best best friends' and it can be difficult to get x to calm down about it in the mornings. She has 20 mins every morning that she is available to talk to so thats why I wondered if I'd mention to her about the nasty talking...I imagine it isn't her job to ensure they don't play together

I suppose what also got me a bit worried today was that we went to play football and the other little boy got my ds to just be in goal and not play.

MadamDeathstare Wed 24-Nov-10 00:00:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Wed 24-Nov-10 00:01:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai Wed 24-Nov-10 00:02:34

But did you have a fun time MadamDeathstare?

MadamDeathstare Wed 24-Nov-10 00:04:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Wed 24-Nov-10 00:05:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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