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Vasectomy. How did you feel?

(17 Posts)
madmissy Tue 23-Nov-10 19:33:31

Being brave here and not really sure if I am BU or not.

Very happily married, 3 children aged almost 5,3 and almost 1.

When we decided on ttc no3 it was to be our last and then DH was to have the snip. The time has now come that DH wants to get it sorted out etc. However I am feeling upset and not ready for it. I don't know how I was expecting to feel but I think I would like another.

I realise that we are very lucky to have 3 happy and healthy children and have a great marriage. By no means is our life perfect, like most of the country we are not rich but my DH is hardworking to look after us.

My DH is still sure that he does not want another and I respect this but I feel really upset that there will be no choice at all soon.

I don't know what to think as I was adamant whilst pg with no3 that this was it.

Anyone been in similar situation? Am I being really unreasonable for feeling that my DH is being unfair? I know he has every right to a decision too...

madmissy Tue 23-Nov-10 19:45:22

anyone? hmm

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 23-Nov-10 19:47:35

It's often pointed out that men have only two choices when it comes to not wanting a(nother) baby; celibacy or vasectomy, condoms being insufficiently reliable. Your DH has made his decision, and although I guess that you're in a form of mourning for the baby you'll never have, you still retain the option to have another baby with another partner. He's not taking away your fertility.

So, which do you want more, the family you have with DH, or another baby?

(I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.)

peppapighastakenovermylife Tue 23-Nov-10 19:48:05

I can't help sorry but am in exactly the same situation as you sad

I hate being pregnancy and I dont think I could handle another - debilitating sickness and exhaustion for 40 weeks and I am main wage earner so have to work 50 - 60 hour week and look after the others. We cant afford another. There is no room. They are all gorgeous and lovely. We are run off our feet.

But it feels so final doesnt it. Even though I dont want any more I kind of feel comforted by the fact we could have another if we wanted to. Which we dont confused grin

mistletoekisses Tue 23-Nov-10 19:48:12

OP - I can only try and put myself in your situation. DH and I have 2 DS's and we are 99.9% sure that we are happy with our lot.

When we are totally sure that we want no more, DH will go for a vasectomy. How would I actually feel if he were to come home now and say he had made his mind up and wanted the snip?

Honestly? I would support him. I would imagine for him to come to that decision would have taken a lot of thought. He will overwhelmingly believe that it is best to not extend our family further. I think a womans hormones can play havoc and I know from speaking with friends with older DC's, the broodiness did not go away once they reached a certain number. I guess what I am saying is that you have to balance mother natures maternal need with the realistic view of what you can cope with. Maybe that is what your DH is having to do?

peppapighastakenovermylife Tue 23-Nov-10 19:49:21

'So, which do you want more, the family you have with DH, or another baby?'

old lady that is actually really helpful thank you (no really - I am worried this sentence sounds sarky!). I hadnt really thought of it that way.

madmissy Tue 23-Nov-10 19:53:47

Thanks for replying!

OLKN
Would never leave DH, perhaps thats what it is. I'm mouring the not having another.

PP
I think you hit nail on the head, its the if we wanted we could being taken away

MTK
This is what DH said earlier, what about after that.. when does it stop. You know what I don't know as I was ADAMANT that our 3rd was our last.

mummysmadhouse Sun 05-Dec-10 12:27:15

cant help much as i feel eaxctly the same..we decided to go for 3 after much discussion about all the negative opinions of being one of three and actually remember saying to each other..but when do you stop and we agreed that no matter what we would have to stop after three.

Mine and similar ages..4,2 and 8mth..and i have found the jump to three tough!..have you?

All my friends stopped at two same ages and have moved on a bit form babies and restrictions and ive felt that at times to. I would not change it for the world but its been hard..my patience as thinned dc3 has been the worst sleeper of the three! BUT now things have calmed down(abit) and i cant help looking at my dc1+2 playing so well then my gorgeous dc3 and thinking i need a fourth to complete balance my family..but also worry the strains of a fourth may course crack to our overall happy family confused

I go form thinking..a fourth am i mad..get the snip to if you over think a baby you would never have them at all..they are hard work!

DilysPrice Sun 05-Dec-10 12:34:55

I suspect that our broodiness evolved in a world when most babies didn't survive to age 5 (and we had a fair chance of dying in childbirth). It leads to a lot of heartache in a more crowded world now we are lucky enough to expect the vast majority of babies to survive.

mummysmadhouse Sun 05-Dec-10 13:40:00

dilys Prob very true, although i here alot of Parents saying they just 'knew' when they were done...

cazzybabs Sun 05-Dec-10 13:42:55

I have had this but have persuaded dh that I will have the Mirena coil instread

SE13Mummy Sun 05-Dec-10 14:56:58

My DH had the 'snip' when DD2 was 5 months old. How did I feel? Absolutely relieved!

DD2 was unexpected as I'd had three failed pregnancies in a 7 month period before she was conceived. The second of those was a ruptured ectopic which nearly killed me and we agreed that pregnancy 5 would be our last, regardless of the outcome. Happily for us, the outcome was DD2 but we reached a stage whereby being a content family of three became more important than a worried/stressed out family of 3+ a pregnancy. DH offered to have a vasectomy explaining, "I never, ever want to have to see you go through that again. We're happy with DD1... let's make the most of how we are".

I do feel slightly envious of friends who are having babies now but for most of them it's DC1 and my envy is based on being off work and having people to eat cake with - not a good reason for having another child. I don't actually want another DC; I love the two I have and am extremely grateful to DH for protecting me from the faff of contraception and the anguish of more failed pregnancies.

Joolyjoolyjoo Sun 05-Dec-10 14:59:19

OP-snap!! I actually cancelled DH's appointment, even though I know we don't want any more children blush It just felt so final!

Goingspare Sun 05-Dec-10 15:03:35

I felt fine, but DH was a bit sore.

We were both happy with the decision and have never given it another thought. Maybe you need a bit longer to come to terms with it.

AnnieLobeseder Sun 05-Dec-10 15:11:48

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I love my DDs, but definitely DO NOT want any more. It must be very hard if you aren't quite sure though.

Ultimately it's his body and his choice, though he should respect your feelings too.

Could you compromise on long-term contraceptions for yourself instead, such an implant or coil?

olderandwider Sun 05-Dec-10 15:58:06

OP, could you pay to freeze some sperm? Then you have an insurance policy against a change of heart.

OmniaParatus Sun 05-Dec-10 16:11:35

DH has just been to the GP to get a referral for his. I am pg with no 3 after an implant failure (only 0.05% fail, lucky me!).

I suppose I don't feel bad because I am currently pg, and this baby is one more than we had originally planned. I did feel sad when pg with DD as I thought with every kick 'this is the last time'.

I did feel better after a while though, as others have suggested perhaps you need more time to come to terms with the end of an era. I'm sure there is plenty of hard work ahead of you, and many happy times with your 3 lovely kids grin.

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