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Not speaking to in-laws and they haven't noticed

(27 Posts)
MissLolita Tue 23-Nov-10 13:44:09

I apologise in advance because I know this is a rant.

We've recently moved house and I told my dh that he was under no circumstances to invite his parents for Xmas day (they are a nightmare and I don't want to have to put up with them again and it will be the first Christmas we have ever had on our own and it’s hopefully our last as I’ve recently found out I’m pg although we didn’t know this at the time of the invitation issue) however in a moment of wine-fuelled exuberance he invited them over for Christmas and at the time they seemed very excited and said they would let us know.

That was 2.5 months ago and we have heard nothing. I had forbidden him for bringing it up because I don't think you should need to remind someone about something as big as Christmas.

Dh is the eldest of 3 and the middle brother and wife came for lunch last weekend and enquired what we were doing for Xmas. We muttered something non-committal and then my sil asked why we weren’t going to the family Christmas lunch at my in-laws. Er, the one we haven’t been invited to. Apparently they were invited 4 weeks ago.

In the meantime I found out I was pg and dh was desperate to tell our parents so we did tell them on the proviso that they didn’t tell anyone as we felt it was too early and we wanted to tell people when we were ready. Mil then rang 5 days later and said to my dh, in passing, that as it was “such good news” she had felt that she had to tell dh’s 2 brothers but that it had happened by accident.

As you can imagine we were fuming (admittedly me more so than dh) as it was a secret and more importantly it was OUR secret to tell people not hers! When the middle brother and sil were over I couldn’t help myself but ask when they had been told and they admitted that my mil had called them the day after we told her and had told them on the phone – not so much ‘slipped out’ as purposefully telephoned someone!

As a result of all of this I have not been talking to my in-laws for 3 weeks but as far as I can tell they haven’t noticed! They are so thick skinned it has obviously passed them by.

The Christmas thing is bizarre – the dates don’t work that they would have known about the pg when they organised the Christmas lunch; and we’ve never mentioned a desire for a Christmas on our own.

Anyway, I don’t think I am being unreasonable for being angry that they blabbed our news to dh’s brother and even if I was invited I wouldn’t go to Christmas with them anyway.

Sorry, rant over. Feel free to tell me I'm being unreasonable.

StealthPolarBear Tue 23-Nov-10 13:46:20

well can you ring and ask them whether they are coming or not?
It does sound as though they are being petty.

healthyElfy Tue 23-Nov-10 13:55:09

Youve been let off the hook, forget about them and arrange a lovely Christmas together. You have years of wrangling over Christmas to come, so take this as a reprieve and enjoy!

badfairy Tue 23-Nov-10 13:58:12

Yeh I'm with healthyElfy enjoy Christmas and leave them to it...I've deliberately not mentioned it to my FIL after the flippin' Connect 4 fiasco last year ( after which he stormed out) and don't intend to. grin

LaurieScaryCake Tue 23-Nov-10 14:00:17

Be grateful they haven't noticed, they sound like arseholes.

Don't mention Christmas to them - just concentrate on how lovely it will be just the two of you.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice Tue 23-Nov-10 14:00:54

oooo badfairy, is there a connect 4 fiasco thread?? LOL

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers Tue 23-Nov-10 14:06:27

Agree with the others. Arrange a lovely christmas day for you and your dh.

2rebecca Tue 23-Nov-10 14:11:02

I don't understand why you would be upset with your husband for inviting his parents to your house when you'd told him "under no circumstances" "they are a nightmare" and then upset when they forgot his invitation and have arranged their own xmas and not invited you.

You either like his parents and want to spend xmas with them or you don't.

I'm really not sure what you are upset about here. If you didn't want to spend xmas with them then you got what you wanted surely?

2rebecca Tue 23-Nov-10 14:13:54

I think they were unreasonable to tell your husband's sibs and think you should have told your MIL it was your news not hers. I would have also told her that that's the last time I tell her a secret.

girlywhirly Tue 23-Nov-10 14:16:27

Some people would be delighted not to be going to the ILS for Christmas, or having them at yours! Have a lovely time pleasing yourselves instead.

TBH, I would not have announced the pregnancy to anyone until you were ready to, because overexcited relatives cannot help themselves but blab to anyone who'll listen. At least in the future you'll know not to trust MIL with any confidential information.

lalalonglegs Tue 23-Nov-10 14:32:45

The title says it all: it sounds as if you want them to know that they are unwelcome and that you don't like them by (a) not inviting them (b) wanting the chance to decline their invitation. You seem to be getting a bit hot and bothered about the fact that they either haven't noticed or don't care. From the sound of it, they dislike you as much as you do them and you will be much better off away from each other.

Blu Tue 23-Nov-10 14:41:23

So although you would be delighted that they are NOT coming for Christmas, and don't want them invited to yours, you are offended that they haven't invited you to theirs?

You don't want them, they aren't coming, and the fact that they blab secrets presumbly typifies why you don't want them to come?


doggiesayswoof Tue 23-Nov-10 14:42:15

What girlywhirly said.

You want Christmas on your own - and you've got it. Result! Put a bit of distance between you and the ILs and don't tell MIL any more secrets.

sims2fan Tue 23-Nov-10 14:42:28

Were you there when your husband invited them to yours for Christmas? Perhaps MIL could tell by your face that you weren't happy about it, and that's why she hasn't mentioned it again or invited you to hers, as she has could tell you didn't want to spend it with her. Or maybe she has mentioned Chrismtas in passing to your husband without you around and he said something (which he probably can't even remember now!) that she took to mean you didn't want to spend it with her. However it happened, you have your wish and will be spending it with your husband. So stop thinking about her, and start thinking of ways to make your Christmas Day special.

As for the pregnancy thing I agree it was out of order for her to tell her other children, but some people are just like that. When my SIL was pregnant her mother told everybody and the world, when her daughter was only about 4 weeks pregnant. She then had to tell everyone a couple of weeks later that her daughter had lost the baby, which if course is tragic but if it had been me personally I would rather that people I barely knew didn't know about it. Her daughter went on to have a successful pregnancy a few months later fortunately. I know that she is just one of those people that when she has some news she just can't keep it to herself! At least you'll know not to trust your MIL with secrets in the future, and at least if she's telling people she must be looking forward to having a grandchild.

moondog Tue 23-Nov-10 14:44:51

You need to grow up a bit.
And next time, if you have a secret that needs keeping, don't tell anyone. That way it stays a secret.

MadamDeathstare Tue 23-Nov-10 14:47:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog Tue 23-Nov-10 14:48:32

Ipersonally think it's hilarious that they haven't noticed you have your knickers in a twist.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave Tue 23-Nov-10 14:53:06

So you were annoyed that your PILs might be coming to you for Christmas (because you particularly wanted Christmas on your own and they are a nightmare), and now you're annoyed that they haven't invited you to them for Christmas (even though you particularly want Christmas on your own and the are a nightmare).

And now you are "not talking" to your MIL because you are offended with her for something she has no idea you are offended about, because you haven't told her you were upset.

YANBU to be upset that MIL told a secret that you'd specifically asked her not to tell. But YABU in the way you've reacted to being upset. And YAB quite weird over the whole Christmas thing.

YunoYurbubson Tue 23-Nov-10 16:23:13

I'm afraid you lost me when you forbid your husband from bringing it up with his parents.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Nov-10 17:31:26

They haven't noticed ?

That is why passive aggression generally is a shit way to solve disagreements


Adversecamber Tue 23-Nov-10 17:39:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot Tue 23-Nov-10 17:43:48

Yy Yuno

verytellytubby Tue 23-Nov-10 17:45:41

They probably made their own Christmas plans as they sensed you didn't want them.

All sounds petty. I think my mum sent a group text when I told her I was pregnant in secret. She was excited for us!

activate Tue 23-Nov-10 17:48:10

"So you were annoyed that your PILs might be coming to you for Christmas (because you particularly wanted Christmas on your own and they are a nightmare), and now you're annoyed that they haven't invited you to them for Christmas (even though you particularly want Christmas on your own and the are a nightmare).

And now you are "not talking" to your MIL because you are offended with her for something she has no idea you are offended about, because you haven't told her you were upset. "

this all seems totally reasonable to me grin

but then I am premenstrual

Blu Tue 23-Nov-10 19:11:08

Maybe it's you who haven't noticed they aren't speaking to YOU grin

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