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I intend to abide by the mnet majority on this.

(94 Posts)
FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:35:37

My sister 9yo is spoilt she is never told no and gets very jealous if me and my mum spend any time together. E.G when I was in labor because my mums attentions were focused on me she smashed all my cds to get attention, this does not bother me I am 23 however this is really effecting my DC.

When ds was small she liked playing with him because he stayed in the room with me and she didn't have to leave me and my mum alone when he started wanting to play further away my sister refused to play with him and wanted to play with me and my mum and ignore my DS my mum would say go and play and my sister would make my DS scared to leave the room by telling him there were monsters upstairs. The reason I know it was because me and my mum were together is because when my mum was not there she would not do it and would choose to play with DS without any coercion.

When DD was born my sister would only want to hold my DD and would be quite nasty to my DS saying I have not come to play with you but to play with DD. So I started limiting she could only hold DD for 30 minutesand then as DS would be upset she would play with him for 30minutes. She would hold DD and then say she felt ill and my DS would be left crying for hours. So I said she could not visit again until after DS had settled and accepted DD. My mum had a big argument over how upset my sister was and would pop in on the pretense of helping. I then started leaving my sister hold dd but everyone else leaving the room she would keep calling everyone and crying that she was afraid to be left on her own with DD.

This argument has been continuing since DD is 14months now and the rules in my house are you either play with none or both I don't care whether you play with them both together or you can spend 30 minutes with one then 30minutes with the other. If you are ill (I look after her if she is ill so my mum can work) you can sit on the settee and read and watch 1 film but again if she is well enough to play with DD she is well enough to play with DS age4.

Today she said she was ill and had a bad eye she could not see out of it so was going tostay home with me but last night DS had a bad cough and so is off school when my sister discovered this she said I don't want to go up big sisters because she will make me play with DS all day and I will get more rest in school. Now my mum is having a go that I am overly harsh and I should not force her to play with DS that it is cruel. I don't think she was ill at all I asked about her eye last night and she 'what do you mean? oh right yes it is still really sore' and commenced blinking.

Are my rules unreasonable play with both Dc or neither and if you are too ill to play with either child (which is fine but you are too ill to play with both) you sit quietly and color or read and watch one film. AIBU

FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:37:06

Sorry it so long blush it is a small issue but it really stresses me out and I have tried to put you in the full picture so you can tell me whether I am being harsh on my sister or not. I intend to abide by the majority on this.

CerealOffender Tue 23-Nov-10 12:38:46

yabu, she is only 9.

mumblechum Tue 23-Nov-10 12:39:11

I don't think you should force her to play with her neice/nephew if she doesn't want to.

She's 9. I think you're expecting a bit too much of her.

CerealOffender Tue 23-Nov-10 12:39:22

i think you have made it into a bigger issue than it would have become.

kreecherlivesupstairs Tue 23-Nov-10 12:40:50

I think three is a really hard number, particularly with the age ranges of the children in question.
Sorry, nothing more insightful than that.

FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:41:08

Ok that is fine I will stop doing this but DS really does get upset by my sister refusing to play with him and saying he cant play with her and DD so what would you do to stop my DS getting hurt?

ComingDownTheChimmley Tue 23-Nov-10 12:41:40

Dreadful to call a nine year old a brat

She would have been only 5 when you had your first, a big adjustment for her

She is still a child. You can encourage but not force her to play with both of your children.

CerealOffender Tue 23-Nov-10 12:43:35

your ds has to get used to it. if you hadn't made it such a big deal no one would be hurt. tbh.

pjmama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:43:41

I don't think it's uncommon for little girls to prefer playing with other girls than boys and by pressurising her into it you're probably making the situation worse, she'll start resenting him as being the reason that she's getting earache from you. There's a big age difference too so it's not as if they'll be on the same wavelength in terms of how they play. She probably feels like she's having to entertain him playing baby games, which isn't really fair on her.

Just leave them to it and let them sort out their own relationship. If you back off, you might find the problem will resolve itself naturally.

Hullygully Tue 23-Nov-10 12:44:01

You are a bit mad - and terribly unrealistic. Even if she wasn't 9, you can't force her to play with ds, and it will be counterproductive, she'll just dislkie him more. It must be difficult for her spending time with you (23), a 4 yr old and a baby. Leave her be and they'll find their own level.

FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:44:30

I never called her a brat at all she does get her way far too often like she says I don't want to eat my vegtables can I have more chips and my mum put all her chips on my sisters plate so much so that my sister is becoming overweight she is never told no to chocolate either but I do not interfere with that I do love my sister I think the rules are a bit slack but that is all.

CerealOffender Tue 23-Nov-10 12:45:24

not your daughter, have a word with your mum but don't take it out on a 9 year old

Hullygully Tue 23-Nov-10 12:45:32

But it is fair to point out that it's not nice to leave people out if she directly tells ds he can't play with her and dd. They need a lot of input from you so that they can find ways/things to all do togehter.

FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:46:10

I did not wish to mention that as I did not want to slag of my mums parenting.

FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:46:56

She did use to enjoy playing with DS and choose to right up to the age DD was born.

darleneconnor Tue 23-Nov-10 12:48:53

TBH I cant imagine any 9yo girl wanting to 'play' with a 5yo boy. What on earth do you expect them to do together?

Your expectations of her are ridiculously unrealistic.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring Tue 23-Nov-10 12:49:04

If she doesn't want to play with your ds I'd say fine, let her play with your dd and ask your ds if he would like to do something really good (like make a cake). When she sees she is missing out she will want to join in.

FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:50:27

The teachers in school keep telling me that my sister optionally plays with my DS in school she seeks him out and pulls him away from tthe other children they have asked me to stop this because DS finds it difficut to make friends and he is not playing with the children in his class. I have not said anything about this yet as I am unsure of what to do.

CerealOffender Tue 23-Nov-10 12:51:22

oi, mama! stop with the drip feed.

mumblechum Tue 23-Nov-10 12:52:01

Must be strange (but nice in a way) to have two generations in the same primary school at the same time!

Egg Tue 23-Nov-10 12:52:43

My 9-yr old niece plays with my 2-yr old daughter a lot more than either of my DS's (age 4 and 2). I really don't mind. My niece is quite a girly girl and so is my DD. I do have another niece and also a nephew, and they play with my DSs, so maybe that makes a difference, but I would never force any of them to play with any of mine for a set amount of time or decide who they can play with.

I realise though that your sister clearly has other issues if she doesn't like your mum spending time with you.

FlameGrilledMama Tue 23-Nov-10 12:53:07

I tried that switchtvoffdosomelessboring but then she cries that I never do anything with her (which I do I tech her to play netball and always spend a hour with each child individually when they are all here)and I say come and play with me and DS and she says she is not playing with him that was the first thing I tried to do just after DD was born and my mum told me off for that saying I was leaving my sister out when I genuinly wasn't.

BuntyPenfold Tue 23-Nov-10 12:53:08

I think your sister sounds rather young for 9, and is perhaps jealous of you.
But she is only a little girl, and a lot of girls that age don't play with boys much. She probably will have more in common with a girl relative.

However, I can see it is sad for your son. Can you arrange to have the sort of fun craft materials they might both enjoy, for instance.

And can you explain to your sister that your boy thinks she is wonderful, and longs to play with her. Make her feel like a very kind auntie whose visits are a treat, rather than casting her as Herod.

BuntyPenfold Tue 23-Nov-10 12:55:52

Just read the school bit.
You cannot stop what she does at school because you are not there.

Ask the teachers what they are going to do to stop it. It is up to the staff, not you.

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