AIBU to have been upset by the way my boss spoke to me?

[shandyleer]

Or am I overthinking it - which I do have a tendancy to do, so am interested to see what everyone else thinks.

I was in a team meeting this morning and an issue arose which apparently had been addressed by me on a previous occasion. I couldn't remember resolving this issue in the way I was told I had resolved it but could most definitely remember having a conversation with my boss about resolving said issue in a different manner. So I said something along the lines of I couldn't really remember and what did she think, to which she replied "Listen honey, I have to remember everything, you only have a small part to remember".

I totally understand the point she was making, but I feel the manner in which she made it was condescending, rude and actually, apart from being taken aback, I was also embarrassed. I'm not intending to do anything about this, but I'm just interested to see what your reactions would have been, and am I being a bit precious to have been upset?

[PanicMode]

YANBU - I would have been really livid, never mind upset!!

[A1980]

Perhaps a little precious to be that upset. In fact that wouldn't have bothered me at all if it was true that my boss had far more to remember than I did. A comment like that would have rolled off my back but we're all different.

When I was a trainee solicitor I was shouted at a few times and had people say to me "I can't beleive you don't that" ummm excuse me? I'm was a TRAINEE solicitor! By
defintiion I wouldn't fucking know everything.

Try not to let it bother you. Hard I know.

[A1980]

PS the Honey part would've pissed me off

[JamieLeeCurtis]

Listen honey .... Grrr ..... Patronising much?

[starkadder]

YANBU. She was rude and patronising.

[StarExpat]

A1980 I think that's the part that is the most obnoxious. It's not the point she was making, it was the tone and the condescending, rude manner in which she said it. I would have been embarrassed to be treated this way in a team meeting as well as upset just a the OP.

Again not about the point she made (as op says she understands that, too), but about being spoken down to with such total disrespect.

[onceamai]

But are you saying that your boss responded because you pulled her up on a public meeting? I may have misread this but are you saying that your boss responded to you being slightly out of order in the first place?

[moraystella]

YANBU This was a totally unprofessional way for your manager to behave and she needs training in how to conduct meetings

[shandyleer]

onceamai, boss said I had done something which I didn't remember doing. So I admitted that I didn't remember, but I also said that I thought we (as in her and I) had done something else (about the same issue), but I also couldn't be 100 per cent certain about that. Sorry, that sounds incredibly convoluted but I don't want to go into much detail!

[discobeaver]

I think she knew she was wrong, and called you honey and spoke down to you to compensate. Put you on the back foot, so to speak - which it did.

Sounds like a bit of an insecurity issue, if she had real authority and confidence she wouldn't speak like that.

[pollyblue]

Anyone who called me Honey would get a Paddington Bear Hard Stare from me, YANBU about that.

[blueshoes]

Looks like you were trying to save her face by saying 'you did not remember' when in fact you remembered all too clearly and just did want to say outright in front of everyone else she was wrong.

If I was in that meeting, I would have been taken aback by her reply. It was clearly a slap down from her to you. Is this the first time she has done this to you, publicly or otherwise? Have you observed her doing it to other people?

Very unprofessional. Nobody I know would use the word 'honey' in a work context, much less in a sarcastic manner to her subordinate. If I was in the meeting room, I would have marked her down immediately as a bully.

[shandyleer]

She's a very strange one to make out blushoes. One minute you're getting on perfectly nicely and thinking "she's not so bad really", next minute she comes out with something like today. It means you never know where you are. Doesn't generally bother me these days but when I was new I used to come home in tears, until I realised that most other members of staff suffered the same treatment. I think she just caught me unawares today.

[Mumcentreplus]

shandy she's whats called a switcher...my boss is a switcher you have to put them in their place...in a quiet room without an audience.. tell her how she has made you feel and that this is unexceptable you are willing to work with her on a professional but you will not be talked down to or disrespected...if you don't or can't..prepare for this to happen again and perhaps under worse circumstances.

[Mumcentreplus]

left out 'level'

[blueshoes]

Strange fish. At least you are not alone in suffering her maulings. Is she a middle manager or head of your unit?

[Mumcentreplus]

prepare for her to pretend that she doesn't even know what you are talking about..also prepare for her to be 'sorry you feel this way'

[shandyleer]

Thank you all, good to have other perspectives. We're a small branch of a larger national charity blueshoes, and she's head of our branch. Mumcentreplus, I know that others have addressed her just as you advise, and she has apparently manipulated what they are saying. I'm not yet in a place to tackle her, she hasn't quite driven me to it yet besides which I'm too scared. But I do hear what you're saying.

[ilovesooty]

I'd have been livid: that was rude, patronising and demeaning.

She sounds like a manipulative bully to me: I'd start documenting what she says and does, noting everyone else who's present.

[shandyleer]

Update for you lot. This morning made tea for boss and myself, and coffee for another colleague. Boss takes a sip of her tea, goes "yeeuch", runs to sink, pours out tea and starts drinking water! I ask her what's wrong and she says I must have used the same spoon in the tea as I did in the coffee, and she's very allergic to coffee. I may have done this - but I usually make sure not to, as I also dislike the taste of coffee in tea, and can usually taste even a little bit. Anyway, am explaining myself and apologising (didn't know she was allergic to coffee), and she says "if I run out to the loo and don't reappear for an hour, don't come looking for me as i will have passed out and will be naked on the toilet floor!"

I'm obviously looking very worried at this point (having visions of somehow explaining to Board of Trustees that I have killed my boss and wondering how that will look on my cv). Other colleague tries to diffuse the situation by asking when boss last drunk coffee - was about 10yrs ago apparently, so colleague is telling her that she may not even be allergic to it anymore. Fuss finally dies down - except for rest of day, every time she leaves the office she announces that she's ok and only going to do whatever, not "going to the toilet to pass out".

[chipmonkey]

God, she sounds nuts!

[Bathsheba]

She is patronising and shouldn't have said it like that, but, to be honest, on this reading you are sounding a bit like a space cadet...

Yesterday you sat in a meeting and came out with "I know we have done something about this but I can't remember what"

And then today you made her tea that may of had coffee in it (and if she is your boss and you've been there sometime, I find it strange you didn't know she had an allergy if it was that severe)...I'm suspecting she at least thinks she has told you, or maybe even remembers telling you and this is, in her mind at least another thing in 2 days you have "forgotten"...

Are you very distracted at the moment? Is there some sort of work problem or personal problem that you need to resolve? Do you have an HR dept or anything that youc an talk to...?

[ItalianLady]

You are not sounding like a space cadet at all! The boss sounds unhinged. How would she end up naked if she passed out?

[shandyleer]

Bathsheba, I had no idea she was allergic to coffee, none of us did - as she told us today, it was ten years ago when she last drunk it and had a reaction. I guess I do sound a bit vague, but actually, I think its more a case of needing more confidence in myself. I am actually fairly sure about both yesterday's issue, and not using the same spoon today - but it's the "fairly" that gives me pause for thought - I'd hate to be one of those people who claim to have done something with utter conviction, but who are actually not sure.

And ItalianLady, she would have ended up naked because apparently, firstly she would have gone deathly white, then she would have been so hot she would have needed to strip off, and then she would have passed out!