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AIBU?

to be utterly sick & tired of my in-laws?

17 replies

AndiMac · 22/11/2010 18:57

I'm Canadian and my husband is Australian. This means when family comes to visit, they don't just come for Sunday dinner. They come for weeks. At the moment, we have both his dad and his sister with us. FIL arrived at the start of October, stayed 2 weeks then left for 2.5 weeks to Spain to meet up with my SIL. They both came back at the start of November and don't leave until Nov 28th and 30th respectively. I am soooooo tired of having them around, I'm starting to possibly be slightly rude. I will hide upstairs on the laptop rather than spend time with them downstairs in the evenings.

They are in general nice people, but the amount of time I spend with them is really not helping me to remember that.

OP posts:

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piscesmoon · 22/11/2010 19:07

I think that you just have to accept this is what happens when you live thousands of miles apart. Just think that you will soon have freedom and no need to give up lots of time on a regular basis.

chitchatinsantasear · 22/11/2010 19:09

Both my husband and I are Australian - SAME THING!!!! I do find it hard with the extended family visits. I like seeing them, but still...!!!!

Bue · 22/11/2010 19:12

Oh, I feel your pain. Well, my DH does I'm Canadian too and when my parents come they come for awhile. Personally I think a month at a time is a little OTT (I would never let my parents stay with me for a month! - I don't know who would kill whom first) but it can be a bit trying. BREATHE.

thefurryone · 22/11/2010 19:13

It's difficult but the price you pay for marrying someone of a different nationality unfortunately. I have similar issues but with my own parents so what you are feeling is totally normal.

Perhaps you could arrange for your DH go out with them for some kind of evening activity that you can't make because of work related commitments or even just so he can have some family time so you can have a bit of time to yourself to chill?

chandra · 22/11/2010 19:14

My family is not Australian but trip to the UK involves a thousands of miles away. If I am lucky, I see them once a year. Normally they will stay for a maximum of 10 days. IMO it is reasonable, more than that and we will be getting on each other nerves.

Isn't there a saying somewhere in the likes of "visits, like the corpses... after 3 days.. they stink!"

My father always repeat that when I ask if they would like to come to visit for (slightly) longer.

AndiMac · 22/11/2010 19:19

Well, I have a few coping strategies. They don't get treated like guests, they get treated like family. Meaning they don't get waited on hand and foot, but I am still doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning for everyone.
Thefurryone I just had a night away with the other mums from my NCT group. I got home Sunday afternoon and found the breakfast dishes from the breakfast I didn't eat waiting for me to wash up. So far I have been ignoring them. No one else has a broken arm to stop them and I figure I've done more than my share recently.

By the way, when my parents come to stay, they never stay more than 2 weeks at a time. And they will chip in to help more than I'm getting now.

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/11/2010 19:20

Move to the North Pole

fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2010 19:28

I think that coming home to someone elses dirty dishes is a bit much. Time for a word with your DH I think, about how your house is not a hotel and if people want to stay, then they shouldn't take the piss and leave you to clear up after them all.

chandra · 22/11/2010 19:53

I have had the dirty dishes episode with friends of my ex. It triggered an immediate "meeting" where we assigned shores to each of us.

I wouldn't let someone that came for dinner to do the dishes (mostly because at the end of the evening I am tired enough to feel like I want to rest rather than wait for yet another hour while the guests clean the kitchen) but if people are coming to stay over, either they volunteer to do more or... are told I am not available on the "only" dates they can manage.

TryLikingClarity · 22/11/2010 20:49

Here, have a medal

Don't think I'd have the capacity to be polite for that length of time all all!

AndiMac · 22/11/2010 21:45

Thanks, I will take that medal!

I came home from a class this evening and asked husband and FIL who was going to wash the dishes. I said I didn't want to wash dishes for a meal I wasn't even in the house for nor did I want to wash the ones for the meal I cooked (tonight). I said I wasn't trying to be nasty, but I knew if I didn't mention it, they would be left for me to do tomorrow. There were at least sympathetic noises of "yes, yes, you are right", but we'll see what happens after they finishing washing their movie.

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 22/11/2010 22:07

I totally feel your pain. MIL came to stay for a month a few years back - the agreement was 2 weeks then she was going to visit someone else but she "didn't bother" in the end. I nearly went insane as she expected to be waited on hand and foot and didn't put her hand in her pocket the entire month. She did things like buttering toast on the counter "to save you washing a plate", then cheerfully walked away dropping crumbs everywhere while I cleaned up. The next time she comes I will be on a flight in the opposite direction.

tulipgrower · 22/11/2010 23:32

My parents (from Australia) spent 3 months at our place last year and are coming for almost 4 months next year. Fortunately we can give them their own bedroom and bathroom. It cramps our style a little, (my father hogs the tv and changes channels every 5 mins. ;-) ), but overall it's great for the kids and my parents are really into DIY (unlike my DH and I), so anything which needs to get done around the place finally gets done (incl. big jobs, which we would normally have to pay for someone else to do) -> kitchen tiled, curtains sewn, fence built, walls painted, etc. :-) We don't really have any rules while they're here, they get a key, come and go as they please, they clean their areas, wash their clothes/bedding.

I think 'hiding' with a laptop is also perfectly reasonable when you have long term visitors. Last time they were here my Mum would often dissapear to surf the net/email her buddies/read a book. They are definately family, not guests. They don't expect to be entertained on a daily basis.

HansieMom · 22/11/2010 23:47

Fish and guests stink after three days.

I never heard the corpse one before. At least the fish one can be humorous.

AndiMac, you have the right idea now, getting them to do dishes. Maybe next time say you want some help: would they like to clean the bathrooms, cook a meal, or vacuum all the floors.

But six weeks is way too long. I could NOT do it.

AndiMac · 23/11/2010 09:10

Well at least the dishes got washed last night. I should keep the positives in mind.

OP posts:

AllarmBelly · 23/11/2010 09:12

One word. Travelodge :)

Acanthus · 23/11/2010 09:25

Can you go through in your mind the differences between guests and family to help you get to a more comfortable situation? If you had teenagers or young adults living at home then presumably they would

clean their own room
shop sometimes
cook once a week or so
babysit whilst you and DH went out

and certainly it would not be unusual to spend time in separate rooms of an evening. Also, you'd be more likely to ask (nicely) for things to be done eg the washing up when you have cooked. Talk to your DH and get him on side. And remeber, you'd feel far worse if you had family who ouldn't be arsed to vist!

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