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why do men find it easier to walk away?

(47 Posts)
yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 22:21:58

My DH and I have just had an argument about the usual (money, travel, future plans). The kids are asleep, yes we raised our voices a bit but nothing more.

It got challenging, as arguments do and in response he picked up his keys and walked out.

It's so frustrating! He ALWAYS walks away. Typically five mins later my LO wakes up and I've got work to do this eve.

Why are women always the ones left a home while they go and 'cool' off?

It just makes my blood boil (although, tbh, it's already a tad overheated).

And breath.....

Serendippy Sun 21-Nov-10 22:23:38

YABU because I can't work out your question. Breathe. And again...

yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 22:26:25

I guess I'm asking if I'm BU to think men find it easier to walk away than women?

Serendippy Sun 21-Nov-10 22:34:43

In that case, YANBU. I would love to walk away from an argument but have the default position of looking after DD and rarely leave the house without her. Would LOVE to just pick up keys and walk out the front door, what a luxury!

AnyFucker Sun 21-Nov-10 22:37:59

well, there is nothing to stop you walking away just like him

except that small thing called integrity

if you are married to someone with very little integrity then you need to look at your marriage, tbh

Serendippy Sun 21-Nov-10 22:42:46

AnyFucker I have to disagree, some people want to argue to the bitter end, some want to create distance to be able to think more clearly. I used to walk away from an argument because things would be said in anger which were not relevant and were not meant. I don't walk away from an argument now because I have integrity it is because I have DD.

yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 22:46:35

I'm the same - I wouldn't leave my DS's. I also hate that feeling of being the one left behind, to worry about where the partner is, to not sleep. It's a really selfish thing to do and, personally, I think it simply fuels the argument further.

But perhaps that's just my opinion.

The truth is we were talking about serious stuff. Things I've wanted to talk about for a while. Him walking out leaves me feeling desperate and lonely, when what I really wanted was to work it through.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Nov-10 22:47:34

seren, by "walking away" I am directly referring to the DH in the OP who gets his carkeys and fucks off leaving her with the all the childcare while she has to get organised for work

of course, sometimes "walking away" can be appropriate but not in the scenario the OP described, IMO

AnyFucker Sun 21-Nov-10 22:49:08

sorry, yellow, x-posted

and you said it all, really

I also withdraw from arguments sometimes, to come back to them at a more appropriate time

but not when it would cause my partner such distress

Serendippy Sun 21-Nov-10 22:49:56

yellowbrickroad sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper conversation. An argument by its very nature is never going to resolve anything on its own. Could you write down a few points for DH for him to think about and then have a chat when you are both feeling calm? Sounds like he is the kind of person who does not respond well to serious conversations being held with raised voices and challenging each other, but might be better if he is presented with the facts in advance and has time to think things through. Hope you get it sorted.

Serendippy Sun 21-Nov-10 22:55:49

x-posted with both of you! Still think that if things are getting heated and the argument is not getting you anywhere, it is better for one party to walk away. Walking into another room, IME, is just an invitation to get followed and shouted at about walking away. Some people can calmly say, 'let's leave this for another time' and stop there, but most of the time to end an argument, unless one of you is going to be definitively proved right or wrong, people have to be seperated. It would cause me more distress to argue for hours or sit sulking than to be in the house on my own, even with stuff to do.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Nov-10 23:01:08

seren, with respect, I think you are not getting it wrt to how the OP is being made to feel

he takes the car and fucks off for hours, leaving her with all the responsibility (and worry and distress)

your plan sounds fair and mature...if both partners are being fair and mature

trouble is, I don't think that is the case here

yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 23:04:02

I'm shattered and he knows I won't sleep properly when I don't know if he's safe.

Seren, I agree what you say about writing things down.

Right now I just feel so sad and lost. I wish I wasn't home alone with my kids again. I need him here.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Nov-10 23:06:07

He is not being fair, yellow, and if this is a regular occurrence in your household, I would be re-evaluating my marriage, tbh

Serendippy Sun 21-Nov-10 23:08:07

That's why I made the suggestion of presenting him with the points OP wants to discuss in advance. I am trying to give helpful suggestions. But they weren't talking, they were arguing. OP, what do you think would have happened if he had stayed? Would you have continued to argue indefinately?

OP, your DH should not take the car and disappear, not telling you where he is and leaving you to worry. But I can't see what you wanted to happen instead, except for you to discuss and resolve a serious issue which clearly wasn't happening as you were arguing.

Sorry, am not making much sense, will bow out and hope someone comes along with a better solution. Good luck.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 21-Nov-10 23:09:51

my dp stomps off to the shed on the rare evnt we argue.

could you get someone to look after the kids while you 2 talk.

yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 23:14:41

Seren you are making sense, thanks for your replies and you're right, we probably would've kept arguing. I suppose it's the principle of it all. I was wanting to talk to him and he seemed to escalate it very quickly, which makes me think he didn't want to have the conversation at all.

I resent always being the one left behind.

HerBeatitude Sun 21-Nov-10 23:15:06

OK I'm going to challenge the generic "men" in the title.

Men don't walk away. Men who are being fucking unfair and irresponsible, with a huge sense of entitlement, walk away.

Decent men don't do this. At least, not regularly, not once they've understood how awful it is.

It is an extraordinarily contemptuous way to behave. It isn't the same as stepping away from the argument for a while. Leaving the house, stropping out - come on, that's just vile.

yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 23:16:29

I totally agree - it's the worst feeling.

HerBeatitude Sun 21-Nov-10 23:17:34

" I was wanting to talk to him and he seemed to escalate it very quickly, which makes me think he didn't want to have the conversation at all"

He's engineering a row so that he can tell himself he has the excuse to walk away from it.

Horrible, horrible behaviour. From anyone, of any gender.

yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 23:19:44

We were talking about moving and about me having the chance to go back to the career I've always wanted to do.

The fact that he's just reacted that way is really upsetting. Where's the support?

MumNWLondon Sun 21-Nov-10 23:20:14

If he leaves the house because he doesn't want to talk about challenging issues then you need some counselling.

Very childish, immature my DH did it once when we were both 22 and just married. He regretted it as I locked the door from inside and went to bed.

He knows ok to go for walk in garden or to go to bedroom and close door if he needs some space.

HerBeatitude Sun 21-Nov-10 23:22:41

LOL at locking the door.

That's the way to do it.

Um... support.

You're not going to get any. He's making that very clear.

yellowbrickroad Sun 21-Nov-10 23:22:48

I've been tempted to put the chain on!

MumNWLondon Sun 21-Nov-10 23:24:57

Locking door best done in winter when freezing cold.

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