to think my children should have my name, not my husband's

[happiestblonde]

DP and I talking. He is usually a massive feminist, I'm a complete conservative but this seems pretty divisive.

When we get married I will probably keep my own name. He is fine with that. However, when we have DCs he expects them to have his. We cannot do double-barrelled which would be my first choice as our names together would be utterly ridiculous, but seeing as they will belong (for want of a better word) to both of us, and as I will be the one carrying the child, wrecking my body and going through child birth... why on earth should they have his surname!?!

[MeowyChristmasEveryone]

Because that's the ONLY public way that a dad gets to show a connection to his children?!?!

[activate]

yes yabu IMO

they take the father's name in our society - other options are give them yours as a middle name or choose a new family name you all share

[happiestblonde]

How does that work? I would expect him to do half the parenting and therefore spend as much time with them; in fact due to our different career paths he's likely to be at the school gates and so will be a far more visible parent. He will be on the birth certificate. So why must they have his name not mine?

[activate]

I hate this modern claptrap of getting married and not changing their names so that all members of a family have different names - the whole point is you're one family unit

I don't care which name you take his, hers, double-barrelled, completely new but why be a family unit and not share the basic identifier of a name - ridiculous

why get married in the first place?

[sixpercenttruejedi]

well, apart from taking them out and being seen to be their father. DD has my last name. If her dad is worried about publicly being seen to be the parent, he can take her out and do some public parenting.

[sixpercenttruejedi]

x-posts with nearly everyone

[wintersnow]

Yanbu, there is no reason why they should have his over yours, although who's they do have obviously needs to be a joint decision! A couple I knew changed their name when they got married to something completely different rather than argue over which surnames to use

[yama]

YANBU. You will probably face pressure to conform though.

The 'no one forces you' to conform brigade dont really see it as they willingly conformed and therefore didn't face the pressure.

[happiestblonde]

Activate - because there's more to marriage then a name!

[AuntiePickleBottom]

why get married in the 1st place.

[wintersnow]

activate why get married if you aren't going to share a surname? Are you joking ?

[AuntiePickleBottom]

there is also more to parenting than a name

[activate]

I absolutely am not joking

What's the point?

[activate]

marriage is about joining two lives

keeping your own name is the opposite

families should share names in my opinion

[TheFallenMadonna]

Neither of you is unreasonable. You'll have to find a compromise. A friend of mine gave her children a different surname to both her andher partner. They all have the same surname as each other. Admittedly it does get a bit confusing sometimes. There's no one size fits all answer to this name thing.

[wintersnow]

If you genuinley can't see any other reason why people might marry then I don't think there is any point explaining it to you.

[activate]

repeats previous post

"activate Sun 21-Nov-10 13:32:14
I hate this modern claptrap of getting married and not changing their names so that all members of a family have different names - the whole point is you're one family unit

I don't care which name you take his, hers, double-barrelled, completely new but why be a family unit and not share the basic identifier of a name - ridiculous

why get married in the first place?"

[TheFallenMadonna]

That was a bit unclear wasn't it? My friend is Ms X, her DP is Mr Y and their DC are Masters (!!) Z and Z.

[activate]

which will be wintersun because you don't have a response not because it is beneath you to respond

marriage itself can be deemed an archaic construct to reinforce the patrilineal society so why get married if you don't buy into - pay a solicitor to write you airtight wills and you have the same benefits

[Lonnie]

YANBU but then Neither is your partner.. He wants what you want so why is he unresonable and not you? You can not make a baby without the sperm so his contribution is as valid as yours.


I would suggest you make a name you both like and call the entire family that.


Your idtentity is not your name I promise you. I remained the same person when i took my dh's name 15 years ago when we married only thing that changed was my name I didnt magically change because it said Mrs F not Miss K

[activate]

wintersnow not sun - misread sorry

[janek]

fallen madonna - are you allowed to do that? my cousin's children have his dad's surname, even though he doesn't and i really couldn't work out how that was possible.

can you really just give your children any name you want?

[happiestblonde]

True. I just like my name, plus I work in politics and so essentially whatever I achieve before I get married will essentially be wiped out.

Wintersun - I agree with you entirely. I buy into the idea of marriage whole heartedly both various reasons such as stability, public declaration of love and commitment, legally joining your lives together etc and taking someone's name is such a superficial part of that.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

can you really just give your children any name you want?

you can give a child anyname, unless the register deems it inappropriate

[wintersnow]

activate "marriage itself can be deemed an archaic construct to reinforce the patrilineal society"
can be deemed as, yes, but clearly this is not the 'definition of marriage' and people's reasons will differ. Do gay marriages reinforce the patrilineal society? I took my partner's name when we married but that doesn't mean that there is any more 'point' to our marriage than to a couples who decided to keep their own names.