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To think MIL is now seriously taking the piss out of me...

(15 Posts)
anoknockingmyhousedown Thu 18-Nov-10 12:09:53

Sorry this is long.

1. We had a major run in with MIL earlier this week. Frankly, she seriously took liberties and was very childish, but we rose above it wink. Anyway, we have now sorted this (to our detriment of course).

2. Recently (pre run-in) MIL filled my bin with her rubbish. Again, just frankly liberty taking. No mention was made, just put her rubbish in my bin.

3. The latest is re DD's christmas play. It runs on two days, and until yesterday I did not know which day I would be able to get tickets for. MIL wants to come (which is fine) so I said "hold both days" she said "no problem at all, will go with whatever you can get tickets for, it's in the diary, so will hold both slots".

I got tickets for the first day, left her a message, she came back and said, great, that's lovely. Please can I go the other day. AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Why didn't she say that when I initially asked her???

4. Last but not least, I move house tomorrow, she said about 6 weeks ago when we got our moving day "I've blocked the three days out, we are around, we will help with move/ with DC/ with whatever, just let us know what we can do". Brilliant, a huge weight off my mind because FIL can help DH with the heavy stuff, I can do the lighter stuff and MIL will cover the DC (too young to help with move).

Last Friday, she phones - does not apologise - just phones and announces that in fact, they can help us one day (Friday - when DC are at school, so the day we don't really need help) but not at all on the Saturday. No sorry, no nothing. And the only day we have the van is... yes, that's right, the Saturday.

I know one must not "expect" help, but if it is promised in such a gushing fashion as it was, one might be reasonable to place some reliance on that offer hey??? for something as big as moving house which simply cannot be moved to another time?????

AIBU to think that my MIL is just taking the piss out of me at the moment?

PS. I normally have a very good relationship, but am starting to think that they think they can just ride roughshod over me and in my view it is now going a bit too far!!!!!

redskyatnight Thu 18-Nov-10 12:17:45

Other than 1 (which you say you have sorted) she just sounds a bit disorganised mainly. I can see that it's annoying but can't actually see that it is a huge problem. So I think YABU and perhaps overreacting (but possibly stressed by your row and house move)

Flisspaps Thu 18-Nov-10 12:20:13

It depends on how you're responding to her really. Does she know how much she is pissing you off or doesn't she have a clue?

Have you said anything about her putting rubbish in your bin? Can you simply move the bin to somewhere she can't access it?

What will she do if you tell her that she can't go on the other day to the play as you have tickets to day one and you are not changing them? Will she have a tantrum or will she accept it?

Have you told her that actually, Friday is no good to you?

FindingMyMojo Thu 18-Nov-10 12:20:28

re 3. surely the reply is simply No. Now do you want the ticket I have for you or not?

MonkeySee Thu 18-Nov-10 12:20:47

This isn't seriously taking the piss by any means. And the move thing could equally be down to your FIL - he was going to come to help too?

AgentZigzag Thu 18-Nov-10 12:21:03

She sounds as though she likes other people to think of her as helpful and the type of person who will do anything for family, when in reality she's selfish and unreliable.

Of course you shouldn't expect anyone to help, but she's offering and it's pretty bad if you can't trust what she says.

I hate it when people do this, I'd decline any help she pretends to offer in future because on the surface of it it looks like you're not important enough for her to follow through with the help.

anoknockingmyhousedown Thu 18-Nov-10 12:24:24

I get you, I am quite busy (not stressed!) with the house move and the row was fairly awful, but just the very blase attitude to mucking us about, not being sorry (a promise to help one move house is a BIG promise sure, but she was so all consuming about it that it made a major difference to my moving plans), and not putting family before other commitments seems rather double standards. We are expected to drop everything/not complain or whatever.

If we object to even the smallest thing, she hits the roof, but she can cause us major inconvenience (and embarrassment) and she just has no concerns about this at all.

I just feel that we are now in a rut of "muck DIL about, it doesn't matter" so when I say, actually, you've mucked me about, it causes such a row that I now don't feel I can stand up for myself, without sparking another row.

My SIL DOES stand up for herself, more than me, and MIL despises her utterly. I don't want to be despised, but equally I don't want to be walked all over.

maktaitai Thu 18-Nov-10 12:24:52

Yes, I think you're going to have to start thinking of her as a pleasant presence, rather than a help. IMO this happens as parents get older. Write these sentences out and stick them by the phone:
'Oh bless you, but Frank is helping out with that, why don't you come round for tea the day after?'
'Oh what a shame, never mind, i'll have to take back the one I bought you'

anoknockingmyhousedown Thu 18-Nov-10 12:29:21

Agent - I am absolutely going to be cutting down on accepting the offers of help big time, I very rarely seek her help, if ever, it is always offered. But the unreliability of it actually being produced and the fact that I then am expected to grovel and put up with being messed around as a result means the help (that often I don't really need, but take as it has been offered) is not worth while having.

your first paragraph sums it up quite well actually!!

In 2.5 years of DS being at school, she has countless times said "ooo, I'd love to pick them up from school, one day next week maybe". So I then wait for her to suggest a day. She never does, this does NOT piss me off, as I know she never will actually suggest a date. She has picked them up from school twice in 2.5 years. I don't care, but I just wish she wouldn't offer what she is not going to carry through on!

FIL is involved, but she "drives" everything IYSWIM. If she is not around, FIL is also not around and vice versa.

AgentZigzag Thu 18-Nov-10 12:30:02

'so when I say, actually, you've mucked me about, it causes such a row that I now don't feel I can stand up for myself, without sparking another row'

Oh lovely, a bit of emotional blackmail as well.

She sounds a control freak.

I would stand up to her tantrums if I were you, you say she despises your SIL for doing it, but does it make you feel good about yourself to know she's fucking you about when she feels like it?

If she despises you for saying how you feel, tough, that's her decision, but she shouldn't dictate how you are allowed to feel and what you can say.

AgentZigzag Thu 18-Nov-10 12:33:09

x posts with you anokncking.

I know someone who's exactly like this, lots of 'I love my family so much' to all and sundry, but when you look beneath the surface there's actually very little evidence of it.

anoknockingmyhousedown Thu 18-Nov-10 12:37:33

Agent - I totally agree. I've known her for 13 years, this really is a very recent phenomenon of her just putting one over me regularly. Just literally the last month or two. She has been unreliable before, but not so dismissive of my views or feelings in the way she is currently.

Now I can see a clear pattern, I won't be putting up with it any more, and I am going to stand up for myself. Once this move is out of the way, I am going to be firmer when she has her strops/let's us down (though there will be fewer chances to let us down as I will be keeping this side of things to a minimum).

She got pissed off a year or two ago when I started using regular babysitters as I couldn't rely on her. Oh, she said, I'll always do it for you, you don't need to use a babysitter. OH YES I DO, actually. Despite the fact that she is "free", a) she is unreliable, and b) I am then "indebted" and regularly reminded of the case, and I don't want to be!!!!

Times are a changing..

Thanks for this. It's been a real help.

FakePlasticTrees Thu 18-Nov-10 12:40:13

Well, I think you're going to have to risk being despised.

Firstly, the play - tell her you can't get tickets for the other day, so does she want the ticket or not as you'll see if someone else wants to use it if she can't.

House move - is there anyone else who can help you on the saturday? I'd be tempted to call her back and say thanks for the offer on the friday, but it's only really saturday you need help for, and you understand she can't help (other wise you'll have to listen to her crowing about "what a help I've been to DIL when she moved" when she wasn't a help at all)

After that, stop involving them. If she offers help keep repeating you don't need it.

JamieLeeCurtis Thu 18-Nov-10 12:42:43

I totally agree with Agent. She talks the talk but is too unreliable to walk the walk

anoknockingmyhousedown Thu 18-Nov-10 12:50:10

Fake - Am going to sit tight on the play tickets. I dont think it is that she can't make it, her message was weird, she can, but wants to change the date?? So, frankly, she can go with what I have.

Move - I have arranged childcare for the Saturday now, and have an offer of a beefy DH of a friend if need be for the heavy things on Saturday morning whilst we have the van. So she is surplus to requirements, as it happens, as darling friends have stepped in without any quibble at all.

We helped them out massively this year - they had nearly 4 months "homeless" after they sold their place and their new place was not in the right condition to move in. They stored most of their stuff at our house and stayed here a lot - not the whole time, but lots of short periods just coming and going. We welcomed them, naturally, and fed them (DH stupidly turned down offer of financial contribution hmm) on the basis that it's family, it's just something you do. No point scoring, just look out for each other.

Now, I have come to realise that it IS all point scoring "oh we do more for you bla bla bla". My rose tinted glasses are firmly darkened over!!!!


Thanks for letting me rant.

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