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to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

(199 Posts)
Katkinso Tue 16-Nov-10 13:03:45

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

c0rns1lk Tue 16-Nov-10 13:06:25

Very selfish

YunoYurbubson Tue 16-Nov-10 13:07:35

OMG! Are you mad?

twirlymum Tue 16-Nov-10 13:07:50

Sorry, I think YABVVVU.
Why should they move back just to suit you?
As your DC's get older, the methods of communication you mention will be easier to use.
How would they feel when they are older, if they asked why they don't see/hear from their grandparents, and are told 'we didn't think it was a good idea'.

kreecherlivesupstairs Tue 16-Nov-10 13:08:22

Of course YAB*V*U. My DD has seen her GP's a total of about 15 times. We chose to live overseas so when they come to visit they are going to spoil her. Of course your children are going to be bereft when they leave.
Would it be possible, rather than them coming to you, that you ask them for the air fair so you can visit them?

jamaisjedors Tue 16-Nov-10 13:08:29

omg ya SO bu!!

Both of my sets of grandparents lived far away not New Zealand but still, a whole day's journey.

We saw them once or twice a year.

I totally loved them and loved seeing them and of course was sad when we left, but asking to cut off contact to avoid heartache is just wierd.

I am a bit shock that you would ask them to move back too.

jeee Tue 16-Nov-10 13:08:42

So your children's paternal grandparents have flown around the world to see your children, spoilt them (and we all know that it's the law that grandparents spoil grandchildren), and you want them written out of their son and grandchildren's life?

whatdoiknowanyway Tue 16-Nov-10 13:08:46

Totally unreasonable.

Lawm01 Tue 16-Nov-10 13:08:57

You're not really serious are you?

I'm going to presume that you're not, and suggest that maybe you look upon the grandparents visits in the same way you handle Christmas - ie its exciting to look forward to and prepare for, a great event when it happens and then you spend a few weeks afterwards recovering from all the celebrations and remembering the fun you had.

If you are being serious, I despair!

anotherbrickinthewall Tue 16-Nov-10 13:09:10

shock. YABU.

FluffyDonkey Tue 16-Nov-10 13:09:44


How would you explain to your DC's later than their loving grandparents were forbidden all contact by their mother?

Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara Tue 16-Nov-10 13:09:57


Whether you like it or not, they are part of your childrens' family and life. They sound like lovely grandparents, and they would probably be heartbroken if you stopped them contacting their grandchildren.

badfairy Tue 16-Nov-10 13:10:03

YABU I think as they get older your children will enjoy the visits for what they are and may even want to go to NZ to visit themselves, an opportunity they won't have if you sever all ties. I am not normally a fan of IL's ( especially my own) but I would never consider cutting off from them completely. My DS's have only seen there grandma (MIL) once this year but now DS1 is nearly 6 the webcam is beginning to come into it's own.

Beamur Tue 16-Nov-10 13:10:44

The more 'virtual' contact will get easier as the kids get older.
Whilst it is their choice to live on the other side of the world, I think you should let them have contact with the grandchildren.
Surely it would be worse for your kids to be told later that you prevented them from having contact?

dreamingofsun Tue 16-Nov-10 13:10:53

i hope my children don't turn out like you. sounds like they are doing what they can. how would you feel if your children cut all your contact with your grandchildren?

RealityBomb Tue 16-Nov-10 13:12:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberryDawn Tue 16-Nov-10 13:12:20

Katkinso, I understand it can't be nice to have your children upset like that but I do think YABU to want to cut off all contact with them. It sounds like these GPs probably cherish the contact they do have with their GCs hence them going a bit over the top with the spoiling. It would likely put a huge strain on your DH if you try and do this as well.

Hard as it may be, you should probably just try and tough it out and as the DCs get older, this probably won't be as much of a problem.

LiegeAndLief Tue 16-Nov-10 13:12:52

Would you feel the same way if they were your parents?

I have a 4yo ds and 16 month dd, my parents live in Dubai. So not as far as New Zealand, but cost of flights and time off work etc means we see them maybe once or twice a year. Haven't seen my brother for about 18 months. Both kids love seeing their gps and uncle, yes they are sad when they leave and so am I but no reason to cut off all contact! We also have skype which works pretty well, dd loves my mum singing to her from the computer.

I saw my gps about once a year and have a great relationship with them as an adult.

scurryfunge Tue 16-Nov-10 13:13:05

You don't sound like a very nice person. I can't believe you would seriously cut off contact.

pinkmagic1 Tue 16-Nov-10 13:13:12

Yabvu, this is a truly disgusting attitude.

Thingumy Tue 16-Nov-10 13:13:48

"My parents in law have visited on three occasions"
"Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them"

Right so they've visited 3 times and your 4 year old says " why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them"-he must of only have seen them for his sister's birth?


ljgibbs Tue 16-Nov-10 13:13:59

Are you for real? shock

disappearhere Tue 16-Nov-10 13:14:53

YABVU and totally self-absorbed. May I ask, why aren't you emigrating? If this relationship means so much to you, you should be on the next flight to New Zealand.


BeerTricksPotter Tue 16-Nov-10 13:15:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat Tue 16-Nov-10 13:15:51

If this is for real (and I really hope it isn't) then you are bloody vile.

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