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in wanting to go out for the evening?

(44 Posts)
Jux Mon 15-Nov-10 14:41:43

OK, it's tomorrow night. The last time I went out for the evening was months ago and I took dd with me. Before that it was months too, and I had dd with me. Tomorrow I would be going out like a grown up, and dh would be staying in with dd.

I will cook bolognese tonight, and they can have it tomorrow too, so he doesn't have to worry about food - he'll probably get a take away though, then he won't have to worry about cooking the pasta.

DH is out every week from Thursday to Sunday and every other week he's out Wednesdays as well. He is a musician and this is his job, but it is a job which he loves, in which he is adored and glorified and given money too! On the Wednesdays and Thursdays he is running jam nights in two different pubs, which is much more sociable. Basically, he goes out, has fun and gets paid. That's how he describes it.

I stay at home, make sure dd is fed, does her homework and goes to bed at 9.30.

I was invited to this Pampered Chef party tomorrow night. It's not really my thing and I can't afford to buy anything, but the idea of going out and spending some time with grown ups, having a laugh, was just too tempting so I said yes, and I was really looking forward to it - a bright spark in my usually dull existence.

DH never gigs on Mondays or Tuesdays, except he might decide that he'd like a pint so pops out for a bit. He wasn't gigging last night, but popped out for a pint and a bit of a social.

Yesterday the daughter of the woman who's holding the party was round, and reminded me. DH suddenly said "Oh but I was going to go to a jam night at X on Tuesday" (he'd never mentioned it before). I said "well, I'm going to this party, though". He said we could get a sitter for dd who's 11. To be honest there are not many people around here who would do it at such short notice, and the two who would I'm not happy about leaving dd with them (they're bonkers in different ways: one told dd that she had opened a portal into the other world and let a malignant spirit in who was following her around; the other tends to get pissed, takes a lot of coke and has loads of similar people around her all the time).

I said to dh that he could go to the jam any week. He said he'd been putting it off for weeks and had decided to go this week. Well, anyway, it was left that I would go and he would stay at home.

Another friend of ours popped by this morning. He immediately asked her if she could babysit tomorrow. She can't. He then went on and on and on about how he'd wanted to go to this jam tomorrow, he'd been putting it off for weeks and really wanted to go tomorrow. In the end I feel so guilt-tripped at how inconvenient I am being that I am at the point of saying I'll stay at home.

But if I do, I will resent it. I will be angry with him. But right now, when I think of it, I am no longer looking forward to it because I know he'll be annoyed if I go and get all lugubrious on me and act hard done by.

Am I being unreasonable? I need someone to tell me whether he's being really selfish or I am.

Gosh, that's turned out long. Sorry!

traceybath Mon 15-Nov-10 14:43:43

He is being unspeakably selfish. Do not under any circumstances cancel - tough luck to him.

And actually he is being very naughty in making you feel like the guilty one.

kenobi Mon 15-Nov-10 14:45:31

He's been putting it off for weeks, so it's obviously not a one-off like your event is. He can go next week ffs.
Ask him why he's allowed to go out in the evenings and you're not.
Go and enjoy yourself. Do not feel bad.

LindyHemming Mon 15-Nov-10 14:46:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutOutLetItAllOut Mon 15-Nov-10 14:47:55

he is being a wank splash, tell him to fark off. go out, have fun, and ignore him.

RoxieP Mon 15-Nov-10 15:01:48

Tell him to grow up! he sounds like he is stuck in his teens. He should take his role as a father seriously, and on the nights he is not actually working he should WANT to be at home with his dw and dc, not going to some jam night like a student.

Sarsaparilllla Mon 15-Nov-10 15:38:50

He's being totally selfish!! Tell him to bugger off and have a nice evening out

Jux Mon 15-Nov-10 15:39:56

oh thank you thank you thank you; my guilt has dissipated and I am now looking forward to tomorrow again smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile[ smile]smilesmile

Mind you, RoxieP, he'll say it's work as he 'needs to check out the local talent', but he's running three jam nights a fortnight as it is, so already knows all the local talent.

kenobi Mon 15-Nov-10 16:56:56

Well if he was THAT worried about missing any of the local talent, he should have gone to the jam night weeks ago, shouldn't he?! grin

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers Mon 15-Nov-10 17:37:10


He's been a selfish twunt.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass Mon 15-Nov-10 17:43:14

YOu need to go out more often, OP. HOnestly, you really do, because at the moment your DH's perception of your marriage is that he is the fun, interesting person with a social life and you are a domestic appliance who stays at home.
If he is working nights, then you should get at least one afternoon a week to go out and do stuff for your own benefit (I appreciate that no matter how enjoyable the job, if it's a job he's getting paid for then yes, he does have to go). However, of his three non-working nights a week, one of them should be your night to go out while he stays at home.

expatinscotland Mon 15-Nov-10 17:44:24

I agree with SGB and I wouldn't give him any advanced notice, either. I'd start 'popping out' like he does to the pub whenever I damn well felt like it.

He's taking the piss.

SkyBluePearl Mon 15-Nov-10 19:10:36

You are entitled to a night out too! Selfish man. x

mamas12 Mon 15-Nov-10 19:34:27

You should go out more often!
He needs to get used to that and being in with dd more, what about that part?
Go and stay as long as you can and then while you're there arrange your next night out and put it it on his calender and then go on that and arrange an xmas itinery =, come on.
you sound too nice

Squitten Mon 15-Nov-10 19:38:38

Agree with everyone else. Your OH is a selfish idiot - enjoy your night out and be sure to organise more for yourself!

GingerGlitterGoddess Mon 15-Nov-10 19:45:46

NO WAY and I also think you need to schedule in at LEAST one night a month where you go out in the evening.

Jux Mon 15-Nov-10 20:54:20

Oh you lot are nice! I can't go out too often as ms makes me so incredibly tired that I really don't have the energy. That's why I was upset that this time, when I certainly think I'll be able to make it (am determined to make it!), he seemed rather set on my not making it. I thought he should have been encouraging me, rather than anything else. [rueful smile]

He is a bit of a selfish twunt man and has had things his own way for a very long time. If I had more energy and could be more certain of it, things would be very different. I'd be out at work for a start, and he'd have to do the house himself.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass Mon 15-Nov-10 21:23:15

I find your last post a bit worrying, Jux. I wonder if your DP likes that you are dependent and a bit weak (though not too weak to service him domestically, of course).
I don't know too much about MS but isn't it something that sort of comes and goes, so you have good days or good spells as well as bad ones? MOre importantly, are you getting proper medical treatement, regularly reviewed?

mamas12 Mon 15-Nov-10 21:32:10

well that, for me says you should deffo go out and don't even think of buying into his selfish childish guilt tripping you.
You are right he should be encouraging you to go.
How many children do you have???

MsKalo Mon 15-Nov-10 21:37:37

What a selfish git! But aside from thar night - which you should go' to - why are you putting up with the way he treats you? He is out even when not working rather than being home with you or giving you a break.. You need to think about how you let yourself be treated

GingaNinja Mon 15-Nov-10 21:43:48

GO! Selfish twunt notwithstanding. Feck him. Have a great time

irishma Mon 15-Nov-10 22:06:04

YANBU I know how you deel I have an illnes too and sometimes it is so hard to even muster the energy to even decide to go out that you dont bother...My fella will go out on his own..he is of the opinion tbat if Im not going out sure he might as well...It would be nice if he stayed in.

Then the nights I do want to go out its a hassle cos I need to factor in DS where he can just put on a shirt and go!

The thing is SEGB is right,,,he is fun and you are not..stick to your guns girl or you will end up like me sitting here home alone watching Im a Celeb feeling as old as my mother..

Jux Tue 16-Nov-10 10:05:36

DD is an only child. I was so ill during pg when ms started rearing it's ugly head, that I simply couldn't bear the idea of going through it again and had my tubes tied.

irishma, that's exactly what I do, I'm already there! Over the last 4 years I've been getting stronger both physically and mentally and I know I am 'rebelling' and dh is finding it a bit difficult to cope with. He likes to be in charge. I am considering options at the moment and there are times when I am determined to just walk out, but then there's dd and all sorts of other practical issues which need to be factored in. Nothing's ever simple.

SEGB, yes, ms is very unpredictable and that can be enough to be fairly debilitating just on its own, as I have no idea whether I'll be OK for something happening tomorrow, let alone next month so I don't want people counting on me. I have lost a lot of confidence because of that alone. And yes, dh is, to a certain extent, on a bit of a power trip as he sees me as being entirely dependent upon him, which in reality I'm not, and not all the time.

I'm sorry, I really don't like dissing him behind his back like this, it makes me feel like a really really bad person, and even a little bit sick tbh.

I think I started this thread because I a) needed a rant (which I didn't realise until I'd finished typing) and b) really did wonder if I was being unreasonable.

I did namechange recently and start a thread in Relationships, but got scared and ran away blush. I'm not ready physically and am not confident about RL support.

I saw a Family Support Officer from dd's school last week and she has put a bit of bounce into me; I am seeing the doc next week to ask for counselling too. Right now, I am not sure about looking further ahead than that.

Jux Tue 16-Nov-10 10:05:55

Thank you everyone. MN is the biz, and you are all great grin

thehairybabysmum Tue 16-Nov-10 10:18:03

Do you see a specialist MS nurse as well as your GP, they can provide good support. Might be worth finding out if there is one in your area? Most health authorities do have then nowadays.

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